The Stuff

What It Is: A delicious, gelatinous gloop that bubbles up from the center of the earth and turns whoever eats it into mindless zombies.

What It likes: Capitalism. People who eat it.

What It Doesn’t Like: Suspicious kids. Ice Cream CEO’s. Paul Sorvino.

The Stuff is a much more savvy and sneakier menace to humanity. Rather than go the “brute strength” route, The Stuff’s goal is to slowly and unsuspectingly enslave the human race through seemingly innocent means: as a delicious snack. In fact, one could argue that The Stuff didn’t become truly evil until it got into the hands of greedy capitalists, but hey, it’s not how you start the race, but how you finish The Stuff just wants peace and quiet. If it weren’t for some meddling humans, it would be perfectly happy to live in the bodies of mindless human carcasses. Though it prefers a peaceful takeover, when pissed off, The Stuff can unleash some gooey hell. Just ask Chocolate Chip Charlie.

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The Blob

What It Is: An apparently not so delicious gelatinous gloop that crash lands in a meteorite from the center of our galaxy to eat.

What It likes: Old men with sticks. Eating. Growing. Eating people trapped in small places. A crazy ass reverend that keeps it in a jar .

What It Doesn’t Like: Steve McQueen. Cold temperatures.

The Blob is like a fat guy at a buffet bar. It doesn’t care what people think of it. All it wants to do is keep eating and expanding. The Blob isn’t articulate or caring enough to negotiate and exploit the subtle nuances and minutiae of the American capitalist corporate machine. If The Stuff is the brain, The Blob is the muscle…or so much as a gooey, gelatinous mass can be. The Blob has shown that it can be quite dexterous and agile when it needs to be; moving at surprising speed. As it gains mass, it becomes far more difficult to defeat and it has a habit of really grossing out the people who see it and the people it eats.

The Battle!

Unfortunately for The Blob, being stupid is its biggest hindrance. The Stuff is nothing if not intelligent and calculating. Once The Stuff had complete control over the minds of humanity, it would immediately realize that The Blob was just a pile of really pissed off Jello. If it had the time it would probably send millions of mindless capitalist workers to turn the Grand Canyon into some sort of deep freeze and lead the The Blob into it with a package of hot dogs, or Kevin Dillon. But since The Blob can grow at an exponential rate, The Stuff probably wouldn’t have time to do that. Instead, it would either “Do What the Humans Do!” and blow fire extinguishers on it or laugh hysterically at it as it blows some snow machines into it. Of course, Global Warming would eventually unleash The Blob again, in which case The Blob would eat some of The Stuff and immediately become packaged, marketed, and sold as a delicious new treat named Blob-O.

The Stuff wins!

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Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment in support of your fighter.

p.s. If you guys would like to see more of these kinds of fun matchups, give me some feedback. If you think this is the work of a nerd with far too much time on his hands, well, tell me that as well

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