Episode 392 - [MP3]
Palace of Lies Part Two
Episode 86 - [MP3]
Never Again
Episode 12 - [MP3]
Hudson versus Hicks
Episode 33 - [MP3]
Johnny Cash and Syphilis
 

Top 5…Bounty Hunters!

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5. Rick Deckard, Blade Runner

Was there anyone more badass in the 80′s than Harrison Ford? Well, Kurt Russell was more badass, but this is supposed to be about Han Solo…no wait, it’s about Indiana Jones…no wait, it’s about John Book…hold your crotch, it’s about Rick Deckard! Yes, the grizzled retiree who would like nothing more than to go to sleep after blowing away some Replicant ass…and tapping some as well. Deckard’s that bounty hunter who is pissed that he’s so awesome and keeps getting called up to save everyone’s ass. Though he’s lost a step or two in the disgusting cesspool that earth has become, he’ll still waste a Replicant and look badass doing it…speaking of ass, Deckard is currently tapping Sean Young in a little cottage in the countryside.

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4. Brisco County, Jr., The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.

The one bounty hunter on this list who won’t shoot your ass just because. If this list were weighted for personality, Brisco would be in first place. Dude’s just awesome. In fact, you could argue that Brisco is the most talented of all the bounty hunters on this list. He just uses his mind (with some timely help from Comet) to kick everyone’s ass. Who needs to shoot 5 guys in a standoff when you can just drop to the ground and let them all shoot each other in the crossfire? Brisco can’t be stopped! I take that back. Fox killed Brisco when they canceled the show. Ah well. I’m sure somewhere, Brisco is laying around with Dixie trying to figure out what the hell The Orb is…and rounding up those other four Bly gang members.

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3. Samus Aran, Metroid series

Now, I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time believing that a woman Nintendo says looks like this can fit inside that Power Suit. I mean, it’s got to have a special function just to counteract the gravitational pull on her massive digital breasts, right? You wouldn’t think it would be easy to fit all of that inside a suit and still be able to move around. Still, when you can turn yourself into a ball and roll around, maybe it doesn’t matter. The lone female on our list, Samus Aran faces down a lot of gross monsters that want to jump on he face…I don’t like where I’m going with this analogy so I’m going to stop. Samus has the unique status of being the star of a critically acclaimed video game franchise. Meaning you can play with her all day. Wait a minute…that didn’t come out right. Oh forget it…moving on

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2. Joe, Monco, Blondie, Sergio Leone’s Dollars Trilogy

I wonder what would happen if Brisco had to hunt down TMWNN? Clint Eastwood isn’t so much a bounty hunter as he is a bounty slaughterer. There is no such thing as “Dead or Alive”. It’s always “Dead”. I get this image of Bruce Campbell walking up, planning some really smart way to win the fight, only to be shot through the head and Clint saying something like “You left your smarts on the ground, son”. He’d then smoke a really thin cigarette, break the 4th wall, and demand a closeup of his face. Come to think of it, maybe Fox didn’t kill Brisco; maybe Clint did. In any event, this is just one guy you don’t want to come across next time you’re in a two horse town. Actually, I don’t really like the look Clint is giving me from the photo above, so I’m just going to slowly back up now…

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1. Boba Fett, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi

Arguably the coolest character in anything ever. Boba Fett is the preeminent badass of bounty hunterdom. This guy will get you. You know you’re beyond cool when even Darth Vader respects you. In fact, I have inside sources within the Galactic Empire that have told me Vader often laments his decision to be Palpatine’s apprentice. He could have easily lived the Tatooine Dream with Padme by doing some part time bounty hunting for Jabba instead of being deep fat fried in some lava by his best friend. And for those of you who are not total nerds and are screaming “he gotten eaten by the mouth in the sand”, he got out. I’m not telling you how, go read the book. Anyway, Boba Fett is the bee’s knees and even though Jabba…er..I mean, George Lucas, tried to butcher the character by making him a clone and a whiny little bitch kid, his awesomeness runs so deep that it doesn’t matter to anybody. Boba Fett: Best. Bounty Hunter. Ever.

Disagree with the list? Did I leave someone out? post a comment and tell me how dumb I am!

23 Comments

  • Guildenstern
    Posted March 29, 2008 at 1:41 am | Permalink

    Why is Boba Fett so damn popular? He’s such a minor character in the first trilogy…

  • Fake Larry
    Posted March 29, 2008 at 5:35 pm | Permalink

    Boba Fett is not the best bounty hunter. How many bounties did he collect himself in all the Star Wars movies? None. Zero.

    Han Solo? No. Darth Vader, a roomful of storm troopers, and one asshole Lando GAVE him to Boba. Even froze him, so he basically got paid for delivering luggage to Jabba. Then he stood around a lot.

    Later he dies by being hit with a stick and eaten by a monster confined to a hole. LAME. At least Jango bit it from a lightsaber.

  • Posted March 29, 2008 at 7:45 pm | Permalink

    Boba Fett kicks ass. Nice list.

    But why no honorable mention for Dog the Bounty Hunter? I kid. I kid.

  • Posted March 29, 2008 at 9:06 pm | Permalink

    I love Boba Fett as much as anyone but Lucas screwed him up in the prequels. Also, Larry has a point: What did Fett really accomplish in the OT? Not much besides getting knocked into the Sarlaac in a very undignified, slapstick fashion!

  • Posted March 29, 2008 at 9:54 pm | Permalink

    I agree with Larry. Boba Fett doesn’t do a god damn thing in the movies but stand around and being a delivery boy. Why is this guy god amongst Star Wars fans?

  • Posted March 29, 2008 at 11:43 pm | Permalink

    Boba Fett has reached a new plane of awesomeness. He doesn’t even have to do anything to be a complete badass. The Force respects HIS ass!

  • Guildenstern
    Posted March 30, 2008 at 1:41 am | Permalink

    I think it’s because he looks like such a badass

  • Posted March 30, 2008 at 4:06 am | Permalink

    He is the fett man look at him…..definitely number one….

  • Posted March 30, 2008 at 10:38 am | Permalink

    Fake Larry you must not know that much about Stars Wars besides the movies. Cause it is know thought out the Star Wars universe that he is the best. Great list.

  • spkthed
    Posted March 30, 2008 at 1:50 pm | Permalink

    You have to read the books, there’s a huge universe of *mostly* pretty good fiction besides the movies. Some of it simply exceptional.

    Anyway, awesome list Mat!

  • Fake Larry
    Posted March 30, 2008 at 4:32 pm | Permalink

    I never read any of the books, true, and only a handful of the comics. The only books I’m interested in really are the ones that continue the saga after the 6 films. Are those out yet?

    JANGO Fett launched the missile from his backpack and flew stuff, He was awesome.

  • MaT
    Posted March 30, 2008 at 4:48 pm | Permalink

    There are entire storylines that go beyond what happened in the original trilogy. There is one that deals with the Emperor who lives on through cloned versions of himself. Leia and Han have a bunch of force powered kids and Luke restarts the Jedi Order. There is all kinds of cool stuff in the books.

  • Posted March 30, 2008 at 6:43 pm | Permalink

    In my eyes, if it doesn’t happen in the movies or a TV show, then it’s not official. All Boba does is stand around and get eaten by a giant fucking Ant Lion. Canderous Ordo from Knights of The Old Republic is a much cooler Mandalorian.

  • Fake Larry
    Posted March 30, 2008 at 10:27 pm | Permalink

    I’m sorta in between you guys. It’s okay if you like other works, but it’s a little odd when they’re not canon. I’d rather hear completely different stories without the movie characters.

    Emperor clones? That’s a little too out there for me.

  • Posted March 31, 2008 at 1:42 am | Permalink

    Hey Nerds, Boba is the shit. He’s got a good look, thats all that matters.

    Coincidentally I’m working on a redesign for Blade Runner this week. No telling if they’ll use anything I design but I definitely have input on the project. And speaking of input, Sean Young in 1982. I’d input something into that Replicant alright.

  • Posted March 31, 2008 at 2:18 am | Permalink

    I read once that George Lucas has to personally approve all the storylines in the books, comics, and videogames. Not sure if that is still the case since SW has exploded like Alderaan at the order of Tarkin, with so much more media out there.

    As for the Emperor living on in clones…the canon argument doesn’t really hold up. I mean, the films involve armies of clones. Not too hard to think that someone as powerful as the Emperor could have escaped into a cloned body :)

    What’s sad is that the books are so much more interesting and cool than the episodes 1,2, and 3 :)

  • Posted March 31, 2008 at 9:09 am | Permalink

    Hey now, episode 3 was cool. The other two are garbage

  • Tanya
    Posted March 31, 2008 at 9:12 am | Permalink

    I love you just for the fact you give props to Brisco County Jr.! Damn that was a good show. Bruce Campbell rules :D

    Nice list! ;)

  • Posted March 31, 2008 at 9:31 am | Permalink

    Deckard #5? Positively scandalous. Also, he looks a whole lot like Eric Bana in the photo. I smell a sequel.

  • Posted April 2, 2008 at 4:04 am | Permalink

    I didn’t find out until today that Deckard was himself a Replicant. Whats with my job making me read into the movies we design for. Pshaw.

  • cnt
    Posted April 5, 2008 at 7:40 pm | Permalink

    It’s a good list i suppose. How about adding Anton Chigurh from No Country For Old Men. He seemed like a bounty hunter of sorts. He wasted tons of folks with some pretty cool weapons. C’mon the silencer on the shot gun and the cattle gun?

  • Posted April 6, 2008 at 11:22 pm | Permalink

    That’s true! I guess I never really thought of Anton Chigurh as a “bounty hunter” but now that I think of it, that’s exactly what he is.

    Consider him plugged into slot #2, with Deckard no longer in the top 5 :)

  • Posted December 18, 2012 at 3:35 am | Permalink

    Hey there just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The text in your content seem to be running off the screen in
    Chrome. I’m not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with browser compatibility but I figured I’d
    post to let you know. The style and design look great though!
    Hope you get the problem fixed soon. Many thanks

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