Crummy DVD Non-Contest! (update: non-contest is over)

Update: Thanks to everyone who entered the non-contest; I’m pleased to report that all of the awful, crappy cool prizes have been spoken for.

I need to give a big shout-out to ArsonCuff, a cool guy who posts on our forum. He sent me a few DVDs that he had reviewed and didn’t need anymore, just as a nice gift. I want to keep the good vibes going, so I’m similarly going to send out some of my stupid, old and crappy DVDs that I don’t watch very often as a gift to you, our loyal readers.

This is a totally easy non-contest. All you have to do is send me an e-mail. I’ll take the first three e-mails that I get and those people will each get a small grab-bag of DVDs.

I don’t want to get you too excited, but there might be a copy of Tango & Cash in the mix.

“Up yours, Procrastination!”

Well what do you know? I’m back. “Why so soon?” you may ask. Well I have this really bad characteristic that seems to be ingrained into my very being. I procrastinate. A lot. I’ll put off just about anything if I get the mind to do so. When I’m not procrastinating, I’m getting things done at a speed that would make molasses feel like Michael Johnson. This is most evident in my school work. I absolutely will not do anything relate to college work/assignments/research until the very last possible minute.

This is the week before Finals and I planned on, once again, getting either nothing done or moving slowly. Turns out, I got this wild hair up my ass to finally get everything done ahead of time. For example, instead of waiting until today to do an 8 page paper that had to be submitted by midnight, I did it yesterday. I also did all of my other assignments early this week as well which means I suddenly have nothing but free time on my hands (other than working on video, which I don’t consider “work”).

See this dude? He’s Augustine of Hippo. He’s the architect of all of Western Christian thought for the past 1500 years. I’m in a debate this coming Monday and as a representative of Cicero, I had to find a way to dismantle the entire logic behind Augustine’s system. I found it…I think, in a philosopher named Adorno that I studied in my Film Theory class. Can film theory sucker punch Christian philosophical structure? We’ll see on Monday….

Anyway, expect daily updates to Dead Lantern to resume in short order.

Top 5 Most Awesome Things I’ve Ever Bought. Ever.

5. 18 inch talking Ashley J. Williams Figure.

That’s right bitches. No apartment is complete without an Ash figure. And this one comes with a detachable metal hand which can be replaced by Ash’s mighty chainsaw of Deadite doom. Ash also sports his trusty shotgun and three action phrases.

“Well, hello Mr. Fancy-Pants.”

“Alright you primitive screw heads, listen up. See this? This…is my BOOMSTICK!”


Good stuff. And I know what you must be thinking right now. “If Ash is only #5 on the list, how badass must the rest of Steve’s stuff be?” Read on…

4. Spooky.

The Thing What Squeaks! Spooky is chock full of greatness. It’s a little known fact that every time Spooky squeaks, he steals a soul. Commonly believed to be a dog chew toy, Spooky is the cutest little fat rubber skeleton toy you’ll ever see.

3. Generation 1 Ultra Magnus Transformer.


Sure he was pretty much Rodimus Prime’s bitch after the animated TF movie came out, but that doesn’t stop him from being full of awesome. Just think about it. If Magnus hadn’t saved shitty Hot Rod’s ass no less than 78 times in the film, then Rodimus may not have been around to light the Autobots’ darkest hour. Which means that the Earth would have been essentially fucked under Unicron/Galvatron’s rule and society as we know it may not have developed to the point where Bagel-Fuls could be easily produced. Speaking of which…

2. Bagel-Fuls.

A bagel. With cinnamon cream cheese. In Hot Pocket form? Holy shit! Where do I sign up? This is truly a lazy bachelor’s dream come true. A tasty cream cheese bagel with almost none of the work. What Bagel-Fuls lack in action phrases, they make up for in tastiness.

1. Green Power Ranger Toy.

That’s right bitches. Tommy Oliver. Before he was the black Dino Thunder Ranger, the Red Turbo Ranger, the Red Zeo Ranger, or the craptacular White Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger, he was the Green Ranger. Sure he may have lost his Sword of Evil during his first five-part origin arc, but he still had the Dragon Dagger. The Dragon Dagger doubled as a flute which allowed him to call the Dragon Zord, which was totally not a rip off of Mecha-Godzilla. Totally.

Well there you have it. The most bad ass things that I own. They easily surpass anything the rest of you could ever hope to have. As Bender would say, “compare you lives to mine and then kill yourselves.”

Magic: The Gathering – Shadowmoor

I mentioned it briefly on Splattercast #75; we’re having a bit of a nerd relapse over here. Mat, Brady, Spooky & I played a few rounds of Magic: The Gathering the other night. It had been literally 6 or 7 years since I last played MTG, but it’s like riding a bicycle: you never really forget how.

There’s a new set called Shadowmoor coming out next week and it looks like it’s going to have some killer artwork. I browsed through this visual spoiler list and picked out a few that I liked (see above). I don’t suppose I can call it a “horror” card set but it’s at least got some gnarly monsters and junk. I’ll probably grab a couple preconstructed theme decks when they hit the stores.

Any other MTG players out there? Don’t be ashamed – we’re nerds, too! Spooky McPhee’s even got us dipping our toes into the World of Warcraft trading card game. Where’s my pocket protector?

Monster Battle Royale #2: Freddy vs. Pinhead

Frederick Charles Krueger

Who He Is: Certifiable. Dude murdered a bunch of kids after experiencing his own traumatic childhood. Their parents, strangely enough, weren’t too happy about that and burned him to a crisp. Luckily, some dream demons bestowed upon him the power to butcher nubile teens in their sleep via, you guessed it, dreams. After becoming a pop culture icon, Krueger took to his new found celebrity by becoming a really bad comic, often attempting excruciating one-liners on his victims who were more than happy to be killed rather than listen to his “comedy”. Recently, he’s been seen slumming around with Jason Voorhees and living off the royalties of his capitalist ventures in the 80’s…mostly from his Fright Squirter.

What He likes: Fedoras. Christmas colored sweaters. Razor fingered gloves. Videogames. One-liners. Wes Craven. Anybody who lives on Elm Street, preferably between the ages of 15-21. Souls.

What He Doesn’t Like: The Real World, both the show and physical reality. Church. The parents of the Elm Street kids. Hypnocil. Having a burned face.

Freddy Krueger boasts, literally if you ask him, of being the most popular modern horror icon. With 8 films, a television series, and incalculable merchandise under his belt he is easily the wealthiest horror villain. It shows the dedication he has to his craft in that he never tires of slicing and dicing young teens who had nothing to do with his death rather than sit back and enjoy the spoils of retirement. Freddy is probably the most creative killer as well. I mean, who else do you know that would turn a victim into a paper comic book character and then cut him up? He also has an advantage in that everybody has to sleep eventually. If he doesn’t get you in the first movie, he’ll definitely get you in your sequel. Oh, and he can brag about killing Johnny Depp.


Elliot Spencer

Who He Is: A British military Captain in WWI who freaked out at all the violence and decided to indulge in drugs, booze, and sadomasochistic sex. Eventually it led him to a French made puzzlebox (thanks, France!) that promised him untold pleasures if he solved it. Well he did, and it turned him into the guy to the right. Forgetting his human life, Pinhead now serves as the defacto head Cenobite and institutes extreme punishment on anybody who opens the puzzle box (well, most of them anyway).

What He likes: Pain. Pleasure. Blue lighting. Leather. More Pain. More pleasure. More blue lighting. Nonsensical monologues about pain and pleasure. Scary voice modulaters. Chains. Doing nothing.

What He Doesn’t Like: Rick Bota. Kirsty Cotton. Channard. The Diamond Configuration. Rick Bota. Rick Bota.

Pinhead has a couple things going for him. First, he looks badass. If anybody can make blood, leather, and a head full of nails look good, it’s him. Secondly, he sort of kinda has free reign over hell and the other Cenobites and as such can torture you in any way he wants. Flesh ripped apart via hooked chains? Done. Placed in your own personal hell you must live over and over again? No problem. In fact, he’s sort of like Freddy in that he has access to his own dimension and can do whatever he wants. One problem with Pinhead is that he’s basically the Clint Howard of his own franchise. He rarely gets to star and only shows up for about 38 seconds in each movie. Just enough time for everyone to be like “Cool, it’s Pinhead!” before falling asleep. Still, 90% of being a sweet horror villain is looking the part and Pinhead is aces in that respect.

The Battle!

Does anyone remember a few years back the proposed Michael Myers vs. Pinhead film? Who the hell would want to watch that? A far more interesting matchup would be Freddy vs. Pinhead. Both are incredibly powerful, both enjoy torturing with sharp pointy objects, and both control their own “realms” (the dreamworld and hell, respectively). So how does this go down? Read on…

After Jason Voorhees kicks Freddy’s severed head into Crystal Lake, Freddy slowly makes his way towards the pier and his severed body parts. With a little help from those friendly dream demons, he reconstitutes himself wherein he immediately goes back and re-drowns Jason now that there is no big breasted teen to meddle in his affairs. Realizing that he can now co-exist in the real world and the dream world, he takes a vacation to England where he comes upon a strange homeless man who offers him the puzzlebox. Once solved, Pinhead and his Cenobites show up. Pinhead declares that Freddy must “COME WITH US!” to which Freddy quips, “You’re a pin in the ass”. The battle commences. Freddy tries to physically beat Pinhead down, which isn’t too hard since he just stands around. Pinhead responds by shooting chains from the shadows to hold Freddy in place. Frustrated, Freddy attempts to enter the dreamworld only to discover that Cenobites don’t sleep. Shit. Pinhead walks over and turns Freddy’s physical self into a Cenobite. That fedora’s now leather, baby! At the complete control of Pinhead, Freddy now must either serve him as a Cenobite in hell, or go to the dream world, in which Pinhead has now manipulated it to be his own personal hell: replaying his death by parental torching over and over again.

Pinhead wins by sleepless default! :)


Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment in support of your fighter.

p.s. If you guys would like to see more of these kinds of fun matchups, give me some feedback. If you think this is the work of a nerd with far too much time on his hands, well, tell me that as well 😉

Criterion: Vampyr

Sometimes I find it a tad saddening that Criterion spends so little of their time, energy, and resources on our favorite genre. It’s not like they totally ignore us or anything. I’ve got their releases of Kwaidan, Jigoku, Peeping Tom, Eyes Without a Face, and Videodrome proudly on my shelf and I plan on eventually picking up their editions of Carnival of Souls, The Blob, Haxan, and Fiend Without a Face, but it just seems like they could do so much more.

Well this July, they’ve got a great looking double disc of Carl Dreyer’s Vampyr coming out. You can click here for the full specs. This is a top-notch horror film getting a top-notch treatment. I have my annoyances with Criterion, but I’ll be picking this up…and you should as well.