Top 5 Most Awesome Things I’ve Ever Bought. Ever.

5. 18 inch talking Ashley J. Williams Figure.

That’s right bitches. No apartment is complete without an Ash figure. And this one comes with a detachable metal hand which can be replaced by Ash’s mighty chainsaw of Deadite doom. Ash also sports his trusty shotgun and three action phrases.

“Well, hello Mr. Fancy-Pants.”

“Alright you primitive screw heads, listen up. See this? This…is my BOOMSTICK!”


Good stuff. And I know what you must be thinking right now. “If Ash is only #5 on the list, how badass must the rest of Steve’s stuff be?” Read on…

4. Spooky.

The Thing What Squeaks! Spooky is chock full of greatness. It’s a little known fact that every time Spooky squeaks, he steals a soul. Commonly believed to be a dog chew toy, Spooky is the cutest little fat rubber skeleton toy you’ll ever see.

3. Generation 1 Ultra Magnus Transformer.


Sure he was pretty much Rodimus Prime’s bitch after the animated TF movie came out, but that doesn’t stop him from being full of awesome. Just think about it. If Magnus hadn’t saved shitty Hot Rod’s ass no less than 78 times in the film, then Rodimus may not have been around to light the Autobots’ darkest hour. Which means that the Earth would have been essentially fucked under Unicron/Galvatron’s rule and society as we know it may not have developed to the point where Bagel-Fuls could be easily produced. Speaking of which…

2. Bagel-Fuls.

A bagel. With cinnamon cream cheese. In Hot Pocket form? Holy shit! Where do I sign up? This is truly a lazy bachelor’s dream come true. A tasty cream cheese bagel with almost none of the work. What Bagel-Fuls lack in action phrases, they make up for in tastiness.

1. Green Power Ranger Toy.

That’s right bitches. Tommy Oliver. Before he was the black Dino Thunder Ranger, the Red Turbo Ranger, the Red Zeo Ranger, or the craptacular White Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger, he was the Green Ranger. Sure he may have lost his Sword of Evil during his first five-part origin arc, but he still had the Dragon Dagger. The Dragon Dagger doubled as a flute which allowed him to call the Dragon Zord, which was totally not a rip off of Mecha-Godzilla. Totally.

Well there you have it. The most bad ass things that I own. They easily surpass anything the rest of you could ever hope to have. As Bender would say, “compare you lives to mine and then kill yourselves.”



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