Yes. I’m about to watch a film called Tiki.  Full Moon used to have a monopoly on puppet sized terrors but their recent output has been pretty abysmal. This flick is put out by Image Entertainment and already, there seems to be some false advertising. The Netflix and Imdb pages list this film at a whopping 2 hours. Yet as I load it up on the instant viewing player, it’s showing it at only 82 minutes. Thank the film gods!

You may be wondering why I’m watching this? Well, I’m uploading all 4 tapes of Outpost Doom scenes we shot this past weekend and I need something to kill my time. Tiki is from 2006 and is directed by Ron Ford, who seems to bathe in crappy horror projects (he’s got Witchcraft XI on his resume). I’m anticipating some really awful stop motion puppetry and boobies. Will I get what I demand? And away we go!

2 min: Crazy dude has stuffed a redhead inside a sack and duct taped her mouth shut. We find out that her father owns an evil corporate cruiseliner outfit that put him (the “little guy”) out of business to line his pockets with greed. It’s payback time!

4 min: Tiki man slices off the dude’s fingers. Suspiciously, there is plastic all over the floors just like The Grand Horror…

5 min: Eyeball gouged out, throat slit…body falls perfectly onto the plastic. I’m having ‘Nam like flashbacks…

10 min: “Untie my frickin hands! C’mon, I’m not goddamned Hannibal Lecter!”

14 min: How ironic. The main character is going to college to be an actress. Maybe the director was trying to give some not-so-subtle advice.

20 min: I don’t know how it’s possible, but I think I’d rather be watching The Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher…

22 min: Boobies! Courtesy of the nasty, manish lead actress

28 min: Theatre kids are all bonkers. Take it from me. If you’ve ever been around a group of pretentious theatre majors you’ll know what I’m talking about. Anyway, this film is all told in flashback via one of the actresses who is now in an asylum. They play a trick on Amy and get her to show up at her instructors house in the middle of the night, looking to score. Once everybody starts laughing at her, she has a seizure on his front lawn. Oh yeah, she had been cast in the lead role of Pygmalion…

40 min: The Tiki Man is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s literally just a piece of wood they are bouncing up and down. It didn’t even kill the last person. The guy just fell over on his own pitch fork.

41 min: They’ve got the Tiki Man attached to a wire and the actor is flailing around, acting like it is strangling him. This is some of the dumbest shit since 666 Demon Child

45 min: “Beads injected into her brain?!!!!! This sounds bad to me!!!!!”

53 min: Whoa! lesbian threesome out of nowhere! Only one girl takes off her top. lame.

56 min: Worst. Car off a cliff. Scene. Ever.

58 min: Tiki Man beats the big girl to death with her own shoes. Seriously.

68 min: Tiki Man ripps off the top of crazy girls’ skull. Then the main character wakes up from her coma, causing the Tiki Man to lose its power. Sigh…

76 min: Tiki Man scalps crazy girl. The End.

80 min: Catering by : Yo’ Dog Catering. Filmed on location in Spokane, Washington (that town must be proud)

Final Thoughts: Just an awful, awful movie. I’d rather have my wang puréed and then be forced to drink it then to ever watch this travesty of lost time ever again.

Filed under: Running Commentary Review, Uncategorized