Episode 408 - [MP3]
Problematically Sexy Noir
Episode 86 - [MP3]
Never Again
Episode 12 - [MP3]
Hudson versus Hicks
Episode 33 - [MP3]
Johnny Cash and Syphilis
 

Running Commentary Review #4: Gothic Vampires From Hell

This looks to be another Netflix instant viewing classic! Here’s their synopsis:

Industrial metal band Gothic Vampires from Hell is just starting out in the business. In their quest for a recording contract, they encounter Annastasia and Jasmine , the mysterious owners of Gotham Records. For the band, vampirism is a persona; for these two seductive beauties, it’s a way of life! The film’s soundtrack throbs with the biggest names in Goth music, including New Skin, Fear Cult and Razed in Black.

Sweet! I have no idea who any of those bands are, but I’m sure they are going to play some killer tunes! And away we go…

O min: Dude…the opening is all in terrible CG, skeletons dancing (!), and the title of the movie is actually Gothic Vampires From Hell: Battle of the Bands. I can’t wait!

2 min: Oh. My. God. There is going to be no way I can convey how ridiculous these actors look.

5 min: “Pretty good isn’t going to win the battle of the bands! I’d sell my soul to make it happen!” (oh, and the dude whose neck was just spewing gore…you could totally see the tube)

10 min: Edgar’s Ravens. That’s one of the band names. I’m serious.

15min: This movie is like a Marilyn Manson video as shot by 12 year olds. At least most of the girls are pretty hot, so it has that going for it.

17min: Jiggly boobs!

24 min: Vampire attack. I’m at a complete loss for words. This movie has to be seen to be believed.

30 min: ok. There are plenty of hot-to-partially hot women in this movie. None of them are getting naked and I don’t know why. The only nudity so far has been intercut footage of what looks like an actual goth bar of a fat chick getting spanked by a fat guy. It also looks like the director edited this turd with windows moviemaker as all of the music video cut scenes have retarded filters on them.

34 min: oh that’s just bullshit! sex scene, girl takes off her bra, cut away before we see her tits…Here comes another sex scene (intercut with shots from Nosferatu..what the hell?!) with the main vampiress…she doesn’t drop her top either. Unbelievable.

40 min: There hasn’t been a cymbal crash in this song, but the drummer is going wild on them! The plot has just been revealed. The vampiress and her two minions want to turn the lead singer of Gothic Vampires From Hell into their new Vampire master because he has a dreamy voice

45 min: wait, what? Out of nowhere, there is a nude CGI woman, engulfed in flames, dancing on the screen as a vampire chick licks her fangs seductively…i’m interested to see where this leads…

46 min: Oh GOD NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

48 min:MY EEEEYYYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

50 min: *MaT weeps in a corner*

55 min: So you know how I was saying that none of the hot girls were getting naked in this movie? Well in walks this fat goth chick and her 80 pound pair of titties. Off comes the top, cue nasty groping and MaT vomiting. Oh that’s not all, the hideous goth monstrosity then spreads her legs and starts rubbing herself before being eaten by the skinny one.

63 min: Did I mention that the screaming in this movie is dubbed with one of those electronic Halloween toys that you press a button on?

68 min: I don’t know how to describe what I just witnessed.  Speed cutting combined with CG blood bubbles…oh wait, they just found the “Old Master” in his pink coffin…gotta go!

71 min: Oh snap! She just went Mola Ram on that bitches heart!

75 min: To sum up, they won the battle of the bands and now the lead singer is the master vampire after double crossing the vampiress. And this movie wouldn’t be complete without ending on one last musical number, with a montage re-playing every death/blood/gore scene in the movie. That pads the running time, see? Oh..and the final shot is of the fat girl being whipped again.

Unbelievable.

2 Comments

  • Posted July 30, 2008 at 10:53 pm | Permalink

    This is hilarious.

  • Rocky
    Posted August 1, 2008 at 7:56 am | Permalink

    “I’m at a complete loss for words. This movie has to be seen to be believed.”

    I’ve seen it and I’m still searching for the proper ways to convey my thoughts.

    This is MY Dead Clowns/Strawberry Estates

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