Yes! Somehow Troma got the rights to this installment in the neverending Witchcraft series and because a ton of Troma’s library is now on Netflix Instant Viewing, I get to watch it! Why am I so excited?!!!!! Because it’s freaking Will Spanner baby! The most underappreciated recurring character in all of horrordom. OK maybe that is exaggerating things a bit… Anyways, here is the synopsis for Judgment Hour…

It’s been a long and arduous journey for lawyer Will Spanner, whose sideline job has him doing battle with ghoulish creatures of the night. But his enemies have saved their best salvo for last, as they force him to face his toughest nemesis on what can only be dubbed Judgment Day. Is Spanner up to the gruesome task? Or is a mere human like him unable to stop the forces of evil?

Sign me up! No more talk. Give me some Spanner action! That didn’t come out right….

3 min: it took 3 minutes to get to the titties! remarkable… wo-ho! and bush!

4 min: the vampire is seductively using a straw to drip milk all over this chicks nipples. This is some hot shit

6 min: worst pair of vampire teeth I’ve ever seen. It looks like the filmmakers picked them up out of a quarter vending machine at a super market. Random shot of a snake coiling around a cross necklace…cut to Will Spanner, looking concerned…

9 min: HELLO. Full frontal and outta the shower…as a mysterious eye watches through a crack in the wall…(turns out it is a telescope)

12 min: wait…she’s rubbing a police light on his crotch….As the police close in, we get a random crazy blue tinted sex scene. These are the slowest police ever.

19 min: How can Will Spanner of all people not know that that odd bite markon the dead-then-alive girl’s neck is a vampire bite? A character just said “It could be a killer bee bite. I hear they’ve made it up this far”. Ah to relive the 90’s again

22 min: slow motion bare ass montage! Eisenstein would have been proud

24 min: Thus begins another sex scene. A couple things..one: the director has a fetish for extreme female ass crack closeups. Two: women with fake breasts are NOT attractive. Play with what your momma gave ya, ladies

29 min: In best Wayne Brady voice: “Is Will Spanner gonna have to stake a bitch?”

40 min: So get this. Spanner comes home to a wife who suspects him of cheating and freaks out on him. He throws her ass down and then goes to his mother’s grave where he then smashes mud all over his face and yells out “GIVE ME THE STRENGTH!!!!” in the most melodramatic, poorly overacted scene you will ever see. And in typical Spanner style, he then comes home and boinks his old lady. Will Spanner: The definition of cool (he’s tickling her nipples with his tie! How badass is that!)

45 min: Ok, another sex scene in a car with a chick whose implants look like 2 softballs attached to her chest. She’s banging the head vampire dude and I don’t know why, but now she’s suspended above some fire with a naked dude laying next to her with a snake on his chest. Anyways, turns out the lead vampire is going to get all the blood in the city…or something. I’m still wrapping my brain around that tie nipple tickle (oooh…say that 3 times fast) move. I’ve gotta try that…

56 min: Spanner is doinkin his wife again. In slow motion this time as her hair blows in the wind (even though they are inside his house with the windows shut)

62 min: greatest interaction in the history of movies:

Lead Vampire: I have a feeling about those policemen who were here yesterday..

Servant: what is your feeling, sire?

Lead Vampire: Like a schoolboy, in the throes of his first hormonal surge, their suspicions have been aroused to the point where they cannot pull out.

Greatest. Line. Ever.

65 min: S&M! Samurai sword decapitation! More sex!

67 min: Oh no! the lead vampire, in the form of a rubber hand puppet bat has just materialized in Spanner’s bedroom and is groping the shit out of his sleeping wife’s breasts! Oh my god he just bit her and she’s rubbing the blood on her self and masturbating!!!!

71 min: “he’s a major fundraiser for the Republican party”- this describes the dude being dominated by the S&M hooker.

82 min: Spanner squares off against Dracula who morphs into a terrible mid 90’s low budget CGI bat/hand puppet combo. He flies around Spanner in a circle a few times before he gets knocked into a wall. He then turns back into Fabio-lite and goes Ninja on Spanner’s ass. They fight over the stake, which Spanner stabs Dracula with. Spanner also is stabbed in the process. Lamest fight ever.

88 min: Spanner is dead. Dracula shows up to get his wife. She re-shoves the stake into his heart, killing him. The end.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say “I don’t recommend this movie”. Until next time…

Filed under: Running Commentary Review