Hephaestus – Tobe Hooper

Who is he? Hephaestus, also known as Vulcan, is the blacksmith of the gods. His stories generally involve him making the armaments for the other gods with his servants, according to some accounts, the Cyclopes. He is often associated with volcanoes. Hephaestus is generally considered a cranky god probably due to the fact that he was the only Olympian who was ugly and portrayed as crippled. He’s generally shown carrying a hammer and leaned over a forge.

What makes him badass? You’ve made some fine armor and weaponry. Achilles, Hermes, Aphrodite, and Heracles, among others, can claim to have been helped by your wares.  Because you build stuff with your hands, you are looked upon fondly by artists, sculptors, and craftsmen. It could be argued that heroes and gods who use your weapons would pretty much suck without your services.

On the other hand…. You’ve got the distinction of being the black sheep of the Olympian gods. Not only does everyone else think you’re ugly and a pathetic cripple, but nobody gives you any credit when their weapons or armor lead them to victory. In other words, everybody else gets all the accolades except you. Also, women can’t stand you. Athena refused to screw you, Aphrodite cheated on you with Ares, and your mom Hera was so disgusted by the site of you that she tossed you out of Olympus. The only notable mythological stories about you also happen to be about how much you suck.

Who is he? Professor Willard Tobe Hooper. Director of such horror and sci-fi flicks as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Eaten Alive, Salem’s Lot, The Funhouse, Poltergeist, LifeForce, TCM 2, and Invaders From Mars. Usually mentioned as one of the “Big Four” of modern horror along with Romero, Carpenter, and Craven.

What Makes him Badass? The 1974 pseudo-documentary grindhouse exploitation flick The Texas Chainsaw Massacre had an indelible effect on the course of modern horror. It’s grimy, yet simple aesthetic would lead to hundreds, if not thousands, of imitators over the years and would make Leatherface an iconic horror monster. Your name is on Poltergeist. You’ve made less widely regarded, yet solid films such as Eaten Alive and Funhouse. Quentin Tarantino, Sam Raimi, and Guillermo Del Toro slurp you. The royalties from TCM make you set for life and allow you to keep putting “From the director of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre” before every piece of crap you make guaranteeing people will watch and keep your name in the popular horror conciousness. Plus, you’ve got plenty of dillusional apologists who insist TCM 2 is awesome. And sorta like Hephaestus, you’re film aesthetic fits with the idea of a dude hammering away, toiling in the dirt and nastiness of the lower levels. Hitchcock, you ain’t.

On the other hand… It could be argued that TCM is the only quality thing you’ve ever done. Even your “solid” films can be looked at with a heavy dose of skepticism. And the other classic on your resume, Poltergeist, reeks of a certain heavy handed influence by George Lucas’ pity fuck partner, Steven Spielberg. The past 20 years of your directing career have offered some of the worst dreck the genre has had to offer. The Mangler, Mortuary, The Toolbox Murders, and Dance of the Dead have only reinforced the image that you are not only inferior to Carpenter, Craven, and Romero, but that you never had that much talent to begin with.

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So why this god? Just like Hephaestus, Tobe Hooper is the black sheep of the horror world. While everyone recognizes the greatness and importance of TCM, just as everyone recognizes the importance of Hephaestus building a bow and arrow for Cupid, he’s the one guy that you’d leave out of the conversation if you really got down to the best horror directors of all-time. Hoopers career is one of the strangest in all of horror partly because he did make some okay movies. I’ve been a Hooper critic for a long time, but even I concede that stuff like Eaten Alive and Funhouse are, at the very least, ok movies. The problem is that Hooper also has so much filth. The Mangler is often cited as one of the worst movies of all time, let alone just horror. And the whole stink surrounding his actual involvement in Poltergeist clouds what would otherwise put him over the top. Just like Hephaestus, Hooper seems to be a character who is better at building the tools (ideas) and then letting other people use them for fame and fortune. Hephaestus certainly gets credit for making Achilles’ armor, but it was Achilles, not Hephaestus, who did the dirty work and thus, got the glory. And that’s sort of how I see Hooper. In and of himself, he’s nothing all that special. His oeuvre has been mostly down, but his impact on horror, such as the ideas, themes, and aesthetic he provided in many of his earlier films really set the stage for filmmakers to follow, and ultimately improve upon. They put on Hooper’s armor and slayed the beasts in a way Hooper himself never could after TCM. I’m a Hooper critic, but for that, Hooper deserves his place in the Pantheon. And that’s something not even I can argue

p.s. You know what I just realized? I’m not going to get this series done before my retirement

Filed under: The Horror Pantheon