Here’s my companion piece to Mat’s recent review of some DVDs he received from Chemical Burn Entertainment. I also received a package from CB but mine contained different movies. I think it’s super cool of them to submit different DVDs to the two of us. To echo some of the things Mat said: Of course, we always appreciate it when filmmakers or distributors include us in their screener submissions. I certainly never want to take a dump on anything. I want to dig everybody’s movies.

But, man, sometimes you just can’t deny what’s in front of your face. All of these movies are giant turds. Let’s go down the list…

The Bisbee Cannibal Club: Now, despite the foreboding intro I just wrote, this one actually had some funny bits. It’s a horror-comedy and has the right attitude about itself. In the quaint little town of Bisbee, a gang of cannibals is preying on vegetarians (because grain-fed livestock tastes the best, duh). It’s shot-on-video schlock that might make you chuckle a few times. I suppose if you did a drunken Netflix instant party with this movie, it wouldn’t be the worst choice you ever made (it would make the list, though).

Camgirl: Woof. This movie is unique in that there is only one actress on screen for 99% of the film. Only very, very briefly do you ever see another person. The story is that this British chick is a “camgirl,” doing R-rated stripteases on the internet. One of her fans is obsessed with her and blah blah blah.

Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood: Okay, this one is pretty weird. There’s this framing device where a horror-host character named “Mr. Creepo” is walking through a cemetary trying to channel Ed Wood. Or something. It’s very strange. Then the real movie starts and it’s a bunch of really gross people sort of hanging around being gross while wearing lame vampire teeth.

Tales of the Dead: This is an anthology, collecting four short films. The framing device is a group of friends gathered together on Halloween, trying to scare each other. Somewhat novel, I guess, is that rather than sitting around and telling their stories orally, they are each bringing a DVD or video tape and viewing it with the group. The first story is kind of okay, about a woman who is obsessed with getting an elective amputation. The other three are nothing special.

So, those are the four DVDs I watched. I’ve historically done a poor job of watching the screeners that come in and posting reviews in a timely fashion. When this batch arrived, I wanted to give it an honest try and, surprise, I got burned. Or should I say, I got chemical burned? Ha! I’m so funny.

On the Chemical Burn web site, all of these DVDs sell for $19.95 + $3.95 shipping. That’s pretty high. It’s almost offensive, really. I mean, look, Outpost Doom is a crappy, boring movie – but at least we don’t charge an arm and a leg for it. We charge $10 with free shipping and that seems pretty fair for this type of thing.

…hang on, guys, my wife is calling me. What’s that, dear? I received another package today? Cool, let me see it…

No! No, it can’t be! More Chemical Burn DVDs! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Filed under: DVD, It Came from the Screener Box, Reviews