Aphrodite – David Cronenberg
Who is she? Aphrodite, or Venus if you’re Roman, is the embodiment of frenzied lust, sexuality, beauty and love. Legend has it she arose from the foam of the sea when Cronus, ahem, removed his daddy’s genitals and tossed them in the ocean. She is considered the most beautiful and irresistible being ever created and because of this she has an incredible power over not only humanity, but the gods and goddesses as well. So fearful that the other gods wouldn’t be able to keep it in their pants, Zeus married her to the crippled god Hephaestus. Unfortunately, when you are the goddess of lust, you’re gonna be screwing. A lot. And that causes trouble. Lots of it. Aphrodite’s famous children include Eros (Cupid) and Priapus. Her sacred animals include the Dove, Sparrow, and Swan. She adores Myrtle trees.
What makes her badass? You can probably imagine the perks of not only being the hottest god in the universe but being an insatiable nympho at the same time. Actually, you can’t adequately imagine it because if you did, it would blow your goddamn mind. All Aphrodite needs to do is give you that “come hither” look and you’ll be…well, you get the punchline, right? The universal maxim “Bro’s Before Ho’s” does not apply in any situation involving Aphrodite. If she shows up at your door at the same time you are trying to talk your best friend out of committing suicide…you leave with Aphrodite. Sorry, bro. Aphrodite is so friggin’ hot that she scares the hell out of Zeus. That’s power, people.
On the other hand…. Every female in the universe despises you. Extreme jealousy of your beauty and the fact that you often bang their husbands better than they can do themselves doesn’t leave you many female friends. You can also be a pretty tyrannical bitch, such as when you caused the horses of Glaucus to go insane and tear him apart because he wouldn’t let them have sex with each other. That’s cold. If it doesn’t deal with sex, you’re pretty much a total waste of space such as when you got your ass handed to you by Athena when you challenged her to a weaving contest. You also caused the start of the Trojan War by giving Helen to Paris. You might be the most awesome lay ever, but forward thinking is totally absent from your skillset.
Who is he? David Paul Cronenberg. Canadien. One of the most respected filmmakers in the world. Perfected and mastered (some would argue created) the subgenre of horror known as Body Horror with such films as Shivers, Rabid, The Fly, and Videodrome. Could very well be a scanner and blow your head into a million tiny pieces for being stupid.
What Makes him Badass? Other than the fact that the guy is so awesome that he made a cameo in Jason X knowing full well that, even being in that z-grade schlock, nobody would question the respect and accolades that have been thrown his way? Cronenberg is one of the few 20th century horror directors that are making top-notch films in the 21st century. It could be argued that, in his entire directorial filmography, he has never truly made a “dud” film. Teleported into existence, arguably, the greatest horror remake ever with The Fly. Also incredibly important in melding modern science-fiction themes (specifically: technology) to the horror genre. Is a Pisces and as such, astrologically, exalts…wait for it…Venus!
On the other hand… Dude hasn’t made a horror film in the traditional modern sense in a long ass time. Fast Company might be an example against the “non-dud” thesis. A very non-commercial director and although that certainly can be a very good thing, the double edged sword is that many of his great films are unaccesible to many people and/or, flat out disgusting. A lot of people take offense to some of the sexual imagery and themes in films such as Crash and Dead Ringers. The one great horror director that shows no signs of returning to the genre that made him famous. This is a guy that many feel could put American horror back on the map again, meaning it is all the more sad that it isn’t going to happen.
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So why this goddess? No horror director so perfectly makes use of sex, lust, and beauty in his films and then completley deconstructs those expectations and conventions. Aphrodite is often mischaracterized in our modern society as the “goddess of love” when in reality the Greeks and Romans considered her the embodiment of that moment when you are almost crazed for sex. Cronenberg’s horror output oozes Aphrodite-esque lust and then grotesquely deforms it into a horrifying mess of decaying flesh, puss, and bile. Just as Aphrodite might give you the best night in bed you’ve ever had, the consequences afterwards won’t be very good at all. In Shivers, it’s a parasite. In The Fly, sex turns from a “loving” act into one of pure impulse after Jeff Goldblum starts turning. Cronenberg is still experimenting with sexuality in his films, most notably with the famous stairwell rape scene in A History of Violence. Though Cronenberg continues to make great films, he will continue to face his share of resentments and disappointments with each subsequent film. There is a certain sense that Cronenberg is a one-trick pony (though, admittedly, he does that trick masterfully) and the fact that he is moving further away from the horror genre saddens a lot of fans. Still, the filmography speaks for itself and it is a filmography that many other directors would kill to have even an 1/8th of. Cronenberg might not be making horror films, but we can at least be grateful that he hasn’t gone the way of some of our other icons. In fact, maybe it’s better that he not sully a golden reputation the likes of which Romero and Hooper have already done to the dismay of many horror fans who begged them to come back.
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