I know nobody gives a shit about this, but when I find stuff that the Splattercast guys were involved with floating around the internet, I want to post it here for posterity. Because we all know Deadlantern.com will be here until the world ends in 2012. I’m trying to convince the rest of the guys to do a reunion show. I think Deejay, Brady, and I will be jamming in a couple weeks. Maybe come up with some new stuff. We’ll see what happens.

Anyway, this was an interview done by Tery Daly for a local band website called Star City Scene in July of 2004.  It’s still posted but I’ll include it after the jump as well. You know, for posterity.

Jeff Gustafson and I have played together in two different bands, and all during the time we’ve played together, he would periodically mention a side project he had going with some of his friends called Thieving Winona. He wouldn’t talk about it much. He was never quite disparaging about it, but all indications were that it wasn’t a “real” band, more just friends goofing around in the basement. He didn’t seem to take it very seriously, so when he mentioned that they were playing a show, I was surprised, and very intrigued.

Intrigued, you ask? Yes. The reason I wanted to see them was because one of the founding precepts of this band is that each person play an instrument they’d never played before. Jeff, a great drummer, was the lead vocalist who’ never sung before. DeeJay Sharton, ordinarily a guitar player was the drummer who’d never drummed before. Mat Kister, normally a bassist or drummer became the guitarist who’d never played guitar before, and Brady Johnson had never played anything before, so he became the bassist who’d never played bass. This can either be a recipe for crap or greatness, and in the hands of these four, it’s definitely the latter.

Their show blew me away for a thousand reasons. The music is great. Heavily influenced by old-school punk, but with incredible melodies. They can crank out incredible rockers like “Sweet & Low”, “Three Times” or “Ultra Big Phil”, and turn around and play beautiful songs like “Wormcheck” or “Prescription Anti-Gravity”. I was shocked by Jeff’s incredible lyrics. I mean seriously, how the hell does he think of this stuff? Heads gilded in gold? Ouija boards in the outhouse? Racoon Faces? The song Ultra Big Phil is was taken from the logo on a convienience store cup, but has nothing to do with cups. Then there’s Jeff himself. Suave Lumberjack? Fat Elvis making Pancakes? Tom Jones on speed? It’s impossible to call, but the show Jeff puts on must be experienced! This is a band with great songs, but as players they’re kind of inexperienced on their instruments, so when I see/hear them, it brings back everything I loved about The Ramones, The Sex Pistols, and other early punk bands who’d not played instruments before they started up their band. The musical performance isn’t perfect, but that only adds to the quality of the songs.

Perhaps the saddest part of all this is that by the time you’re reading this, the band doesn’t exist anymore. DeeJay is moving to Colorado, and some of the band don’t want to continue on without him, then after that, Mat starts school in the fall, so even if they got another drummer, the band wouldn’t be playing for that much longer anyway, so they’ve decided to just call it quits. Despite the fact that this band has only played about 4-5 shows in their short life, they will always be one of my favorite bands in Lincoln.

SCS: How and when did Bear Eats Fish, or more correctly, Thieving Winona form as a band?

Mat: Thieving Winona started back in December of 2002 (and yes, I have a recording of our first ever practice that proves it!). Originally, Mike Decatur (Minutia Stew) was asked to sing, but Jeff showed a great interest so we inserted him into the starting lineup and that’s how it came to be.

Deejay: I think we started as a joke, but after our first band practice and our first recording people seemed intrested, so we decided to keep doing it.

Brady: Well, the whole concept for the band was that we were going to all play an instrument that we’d never played before. So DJ who is a guitarist picked up the drum sticks, Mat who had played Drums and Bass in other bands with DJ got a guitar, and I had never played anything ever so i picked up a bass. So we screwed around and wrote a few songs. Eventually we decided we should probably find a singer. At the time Jeff was living with DJ and I, we asked him and it kind of just came together. All of that was probably about a year and a half ago. We went though big periods where Jeff couldn’t make it to practice because of other commitments, so it took a long time to be ready for a show.

SCS: How would you describe your band or your sound to someone who�s never heard or seen you?

Mat: Crappy 4 chord rock

Brady: I always have a big problem describing us to people. I guess i usually say we’re kind of garage rock with a big pixies influence with fucked up lyrics. If the person goes who are the pixies I tell them never mind…

Deejay: I think we sound like a bunch of people who don’t know how to play, working well together.

Jeff: John Irvin describes it best: “Suave lumberjack Rock.” We’ll try and entertain you as best we can.

SCS: How would you describe a Bear Eats Fish show? — If people come to see you live, what can they expect?

Brady: A very large man prancing about the stage singing about animals while the band makes a lot of noise.

Mat: Loud. Jeff is funny. The rest of us are dull and boring since we can’t play our instruments which nixes any type of rocking out on stage for fear of screwing up horribly.

Deejay: Well, live, we are a fruit cake of fun, over the top vocals, way to many hooks, and goofy break-downs. We don’t play well, but we play hard.

SCS:  What types of music and which musicians/groups influenced the band members?

Mat: I wish I could be influenced by other bands, however since I can’t play guitar, I just put my fingers on strings and make noise. I don’t know what the other members are influenced by.

Brady: Man there is a huge range of bands, obviously the pixies, nirvana, and grunge in general. I personally listened to a lot of punk music so that’s in there somewhere too. Bands like nofx, bad religion, less than jake. I suppose there is a touch of indie rock influence as well, saddle creek stuff, like cursive and death cab for cutie. I don’t know i just like making lots of loud noise.

Deejay: I kind of like The Dirt Bombs, and have borrowed a lot from Jeff’s drumming style.

SCS: I have to confess, I thought Thieving Winona was a lame name, so when you changed it to Bear Eats Fish, I was glad, but considering your other choice, The Colon Polyps, I think you still made the wrong decision. Where did the name Bear Eats fish come from, and does it mean anything in particular?

Mat: Thieving winona came from DJs obsession with Winona Ryder. He is in love with her. So we were teaseing DJ about her and how she’s a cleptomaniac, when somebody said, she’s thieving winona and we took that as a name. Bear eats fish came from after a practice we were all discussing how were were tired of the thieving winona band name and wanted to change it, so people were just tossing out band names and that was one of them. We narrowed it down to that one after a bit. I think Colon Polyps is a disgusting band name and refused to have it.

Jeff: I believe it came from the lips of Brady. It has come to mean alot to us as of late–what exactly, I am not sure.

Deejay: I have no idea what the hell our name means, and I still like Thieving Winoana much better.

SCS: When Jeff announced from the stage during your very first show that you were changing the name of the band, did you guys know he was going to do that, or did he just do that in public because once you do it in front of a room full of people, you kind of can�t go back on it?

Deejay: Jeff anounced it with out me knowing. The change of name was as new to me as it was to you.

Mat: He mentioned in passing, jokingly we all thought, that he was going to change our name. We didn’t know he was going to change it to Bear Eats Fish. Although I might be mistaken on the specifics, I don’t really remember. ask jeff.

Brady: I don’t remember to tell you the truth…i think we decided on it before hand.

SCS: How have you grown, musically and creatively, since the band first started?

Jeff: Yes.

Mat: um….I can play power chords a little better than when I started.

Brady: We all sort of know how to play our instruments now.

Deejay: Well, none of us knew how to play any of our instruments when we got started, and now we know how to fake it well. I think that is a great step in the right direction.

SCS: Who writes the songs, and how do they go from someone’s idea to a finished product?

Deejay: Brady writes all the songs but messing up, when we hear him make a mistake, we turn it into a new song, so basicaly they’re all writen like a 3rd grader coloring outside the lines.

Mat: Actually, We write the songs collectively. Brady and I have written most of the musical aspect of it, then Deejay and Jeff complete it with drums and vocals, respectively.

Brady: Yeah, I think it’s a 50/50 split between mat and I. He’ll come to practice with something and we’ll hammer it out. With me, i’ll be screwing around on the bass and both mat and DJ will shout at me to keep playing whatever i was playing and a song will form out of that. Then Jeff will sit and write lyrics while we’re working out how we want the song to go. Really i’m amazed every time we actually get a song worked out.

Jeff: The music is usually written before I get there, I just come up with lyrics and a melody.

SCS: Jeff, Where do you get inspiration from for your lyrics, and why don’t you tell our readers the story behind “Ouija Board In The Outhouse”

Jeff: I had a neighbor who lived about a mile down the road who worshiped the devil. He used to read the Satanic Bible and cut himself on the school bus. I remember going over to his house and he’d be playing with a Ouija board and listening to Rush. He was like 17 and I was 8. One day my brother and I found a Ouija Board in a land fill behind our house. We really didn’t know what it was, but it looked cool so we hung it up in our fort. One day our dad saw it and told us of the evil powers it possesed. Being the gung-ho do-gooders we were, my brother and I decided to burn it. We placed the Ouija in a wheelbarrow atop a bed of straw and and shot holes through it with our guns while it burned. Believe it or not, it kept coming back to haunt us–unharmed.

SCS: What was your most memorable live performance and what made it that?

Jeff: Scenefest 2 was definitely the must Un(re)memorable experience–thanks to Mr. Rempe and Mr. Clark (Dan and Ben made a point of getting Jeff all liquored up before the performance)

Mat: I’d have to say our first show, since we had practiced for over a year and it was the first time we played in front of an audience.

Brady: I would have to say our first show at the 9th St Basement. I was in the Hot carls briefly and the closest thing we ever got to a green room is that gross little room off the side of the stage at The Grove with that closet bathroom. We go to this place and they have a room with a big screen TV, couches, and beer. There was even a velvet rope to keep out the riff raff. Then when we actually got up to play it was great. I was screwing around getting my bass ready and i looked up and there were all these people just a few feet away. They all had this look of anticipation. We were all nervous as could be. Then we started playing and everything just seemed alright. All the people were smiling and getting in to it. We didn’t play our best but it felt great.

Deejay: Most memorable would have to be the first show. The fact that it actually went well and that people were intrested was quite a shock.

SCS: Most embarrassing moment in a live show?

Jeff: It’s all a little embarrassing for me.

Mat: Screwing up Science Killer after I started laughing uncontrollably during Jeff’s vocals… “and my tamborine says chiki-chiki-chiki-chiki”

Brady: Personally I think our whole Hallum performance was embarrassing, now let’s never mention it again…

Deejay: I can’t drum, thats hard to hide.

SCS: What do you like and dislike about the music scene in Lincoln?

Jeff: There are multitudes of very special people–this is good.
There doesn’t seem to be a lot of support/interest–this is bad

Mat: Like: people lying and saying that they like you after a show. Big ups for ego boosters. Dislike: elitist attitudes of a lot of bands. I hate bands that think they are great when they are simply crappy 4 chor….er,..next question.

Brady: I like how some bands are very supportive of one and other. It also seems like there is quite a bit in the opposite direction. Like SlamOmaha.com’s message boards. It always seems to me like there is a ton of trash talking about bands on there. I quit going there a long time ago though so maybe it’s different now.

SCS: No, it’s the same old shit over there. Who are some local bands or musicians that you admire or feel should be recognized?

Mat: I like Minutia Stew a lot. Mikes a musical genius. I am really amazed at some of the crazy stuff he thinks of. And of course Jeff Gustfson on drums and vocals. I haven’t seen a local drummer as good as he is and he has an great unique stage persona and performance.

Brady: I admire Rent Money Big, Suzy Dreamer, Minutia Stew, and the Zyklon Bees even though i like Caeaser the Greaser as a band name more than the Zyklon Bees. Keep an eye out for Sad Old Lady From the South.

Deejay: Jeff and Madison. My drums only steal from their table scraps.

SCS: I had gotten a letter from someone at UNL prior to the Hallam Benefit recommending I “preview” The Zyklon Bees music to make sure it wasn’t pro-nazi propaganda. I assured them it wasn’t. What’s in a name, If I beat someone to death with an umbrella, does it make the umbrella evil? should no band ever be called The Umbrellas because of it? Enough of my speechifying..what was the first album/CD each of you bought?

Jeff: Album: Nevrmind-Nirvana, CD: Doubt–Jesus Jones

Mat: The first album I ever bought was Hootie and the Blowfish. However, the first cd I ever received was Kris Kross because my grandma thought that was the “in” thing when she got me my first cd player for christmas. ah, grandmas…don’t you just love them.

Deejay: The Cars

Brady: I honestly don’t remember, probably nirvana or nofx or something similar like that. I remember the first cd i got was a gift from my aunt and uncle, it was Aerosmith: Big Ones. I think my mom took it for herself eventually, which is good because she probably appreciates it much more than i do.

SCS: Whose music are you listening to right now? — What other bands would you recommend people check out?

Brady: In my car stereo i have the new Beastie Boys Cd. At home i’m listening to The Flaming Lips: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, Gomez: Split the Difference, and Matt Sharp’s self titled cd. I really recomend checking out Matt Sharp’s solo stuff. Really different then the Rentals or Weezer, but really really good.

Jeff: Tripping Daisy, Camper Van Beethoven, Yngvei Malmsteen

Deejay: Supergrass, Decemberists, and Fire On Thursday.

Mat: Right now I am listening to Hum, A Perfect Circle, Deftones, Pixies and Nine Inch Nails. I would recommend that people check out Deadsy, Superchunk, and 10,000 homo dj’s.

SCS: Amen on the Superchunk, I love them. What are your top five albums of all time.

Mat:
# The Fragile, Nine Inch Nails
# Doolittle, Pixies
# Around the Fur, Deftones
# Domestica, Cursive
# The Downward Spiral, Nine Inch Nails

Jeff:
# Jesus Hits Like the Atom Bomb–Tripping Daisy
# Whipped Cream–Herb Alpert and the Tijiuana Brass
# Key Lime Pie–Camper Van Beethoven
# The Lonely Bull–Herb Alpert and the Tijiuana Brass
# RAM–Paul and Linda

Brady:
# Beatles – The White Album, David Bowie: Space Oddity, Bad Religion: Suffer, Nine Inch Nails: The Fragile, Counting Crows: August and Everything After. It’s so hard to just pick 5. I think this list is really effected by my mood at the time as well.

SCS: What single song, in the entire history of music, do you most wish you’d written?

Mat: “Stars” by Hum

Jeff: All Her Favorite Fruit–Camper Van Beethoven

Brady: i have no idea…I’ll probably figure it out next month.

SCS:Are you planning on recording the rest of your songs that aren’t on the first E.P., because If I don’t have a studio version of “Wormcheck” there’s gonna be trouble!

Jeff: I think there’s a possibility

Brady: I think so, some band members want to go into a professional studio, while others think we should just do it in DJ’s studio.

Mat: Since Deejay is rich now, he has been boasting that he is going to pay for us to go through Presto Studios, however I don’t believe him. Maybe we can just use his “portable studio in a box”…..

SCS: So what’s the deal with the future of the band, Deejay is moving away, and rather than get a new drummer, Mat wants to let the band die? What’s up with that?

Jeff: That’s a very good question.

Mat: Oh so its all my fault eh? I’m being blamed for destroying Bear Eats Fish?

SCS: That’s the word around town

Mat: Ah well, that’s how it goes I guess. Seriously, it wouldn’t be the same if Deejay isn’t in the band. I’m not a big fan of replacing members and I don’t really want anyone else. Plus, I am going to be doing school full time as well as working as well as hopefully getting a film project off the ground this fall and I just wouldn’t have much time for practice, let alone shows. Anyways, I hate the band and all the members. I’m taking my songs and getting the hell out of here!

Brady: Yeah, It wouldn’t be the same without DJ. We’ve all known each other for so long there is just chemistry there. DJ really thinks he can make it back and forth from Colorado to practice twice a month. We’ll see how it goes, but i think mat and i are just both pessimists. We don’t think it’ll happen. Plus mat is starting school this fall. Between all of us working, the drive dj has to make, and schooling, it’s going to be real difficult to find a time to practice. Personally i think we shouldn’t kill the band, just let it go into hibernation until things are less hectic. Mat and i might try doing something different if this falls through. I also have another friend who wants to make music with me so we’ll see what happens

Deejay: Death is a part of life, you’ll die, i’ll die, she’ll die, they’ll die. It sucks just like a chicken scratched johnson.

SCS: Anything else you want to share with our readers?

Mat: Never trust Greeks bearing gifts…..

Brady: It’s been fun and i’m still in shock that anyone actually likes the noise we make. Thanks to everyone who has supported us and shown up to our shows.

Deejay: T.V. is the devil. Colorado is great, and drinking is better. Good money for doing nothing is greater than any driving force in the western part of your life, and of course don’t forget to wash behind your ears!

Spent most of March watching good non-horror films. Last half of the month was a little light due to focus on the next amazing feature length horror film from Dead Lantern Pictures. Also ended up watching season 5 of The Office and a whole lotta March Madness games. I got an e-mail from a couple people inquiring as to how I am able to watch this many movies and still find time for TV, DL film projects, L4D, etc. The answer is that I have a job that allows me to watch 3-4 films per day if I desire to do so because for long stretches I’m just sitting around doing nothing. So while at work, I can watch and re-watch films I really enjoy, like a 3 hour Spartacus epic, for example. It’s a good job.

Orange means worth your time, Red means essential viewing.

Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993) d. Eric Radomski and Bruce Timm: A really good, mature look at Batman from the people who did the spectacular early 90’s cartoon. I’d rather watch this than either of Burton’s films.

Bride of the Monster (1955) d. Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Talked about on Splattercast 172

Glen or Glenda (1953) d. Edward D. Wood, Jr.: Talked about on Splattercast 172

Moon (2009) d. Duncan Jones: Hauntingly beautiful sci-fi. I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to spoil it. A must see.

The Hills Run Red (2009) d. Dave Parker: I liked this movie up until the last 20 minutes when it just devolved into your typical run of the mill torture flick. I like horror films that deal with mysterious legendary films that characters are trying to find. Though Carpenter helmed similar material to much better effect in Cigarette Burns. An okay movie that’ll be a one and done. Sophie Monk is fugly, just sayin’.

Zodiac (2007) d. David Fincher: Such an interesting film about, essentially, nothing. It’s a police procedural that focuses on the mundane, yet somehow manages to come to a gripping conclusion. When I first saw this film a couple years back, I hated it. After rewatching it a couple times, I’ve come to appreciate the details, which is what Fincher was trying to do: make the movie be the details. It’s over long, but unique in its own way. The Zodiac killer is totally uninteresting and it’s wise that Fincher chooses to focus on the obsession the characters have, rather than the bland serial killer.

The Hidden Fortress (1958) d. Akira Kurasawa: Another great Kurosawa. Mifune must transport a princess and her gold across enemy territory. The cinematography is gorgeous. For better or worse, George Lucas’s name is attached to this in that he took the characters of C-3PO and R2-D2 from the peasants in this film. Many claim that Star Wars is a direct copy of Hidden Fortress. It’s not, but the influence is certainly visible.

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974) d. Joseph Sargent: The remake of this film stars Denzel Washington and John Travolta. It’s ugly and sucks balls. The original stars Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw. It’s beautiful and kicks ass. Tony Scott ruins movies.

Inglourious Basterds (2009) d. Quentin Tarantino: It’s a bingo!

Showgirls (1995) d. Paul Verhoeven: I’d actually never seen this but had always been curious because of its reputation for sucking so bad. That reputation is definitely deserved. Wow. Gina Gerson’s boobs were pretty great, though.

The Ghost Ship (1943) d. Mark Robson: Robson directed three masterpieces for Val Lewton (The 7th Victim, Isle of the Dead, and Bedlam). The Ghost Ship is his one misfire. And it misfires badly. The story of a ship captain who believes that “authority” includes the decision of whether or not to kill his shipmen. Totally uninteresting and stodgily directed and acted. Should be noted that this is marketed as a horror film, but it isn’t.

I Know Who Killed Me (2007) d. Chris Sivertson: Jeff said this movie was good. So I finally bit the bullet and watched it. Why do I listen? Why?

Trilogy of Terror (1975) d. Dan Curtis: A good anthology that probably isn’t as deserving of the accolades many people attribute to it in their minds. The first two stories are nothing special and you have to get through ten minutes or so of Karen Black talking on the phone before the famous Zuni doll bit. Still, that sequence helps make up for a rather dry, dull anthology.

Hollywoodland (2006) d. Allen Coulter: Good flick that is part George Reeves biopic, part investigative noir. Brody is a private investigator hired by the mother of George “Superman” Reeves to uncover the truth about his mysterious suicide. Ben Affleck shows some actual chops as Reeves, whose story is told in flashbacks. Interesting film.

Rio Bravo (1959) d. Howard Hawks: John Wayne and Dean Martin must defend their town against a group of men, led by Nathan Burnette, who will stop at nothing to spring Nathan’s brother from jail. Hawks is different from Ford in that his westerns aren’t focused on emphasizing the cinematicness of the western landscape. It’s more about the characters and I like that. Angie Dickinson is smokin’.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009) d. Ti West: Stupid.

Magnolia (1999) d. Paul Thomas Anderson: A fantastic film that is marred by a couple storylines that just aren’t interesting. A half an hour could have been chopped from the three + hour running time. Tom Cruise gives a masterful performance. Anytime I hear someone say Cruise can’t act, I tell them to watch this movie. The frog storm is great.

Blood on the Flat Track (2007) d. Lainy Bagwell and Lacey Levitt: really low budget documentary about the Rat City Rollergirls. Not a very interesting doc.

Beer Wars (2009) d. Anat Baron: Talked about this on Splattercast 174

Truth or Dare?: A Critical Madness (1986) d. Tim Ritter: Interesting low budget slasher that we talked about on Blackfoot Lounge 2. Coming soon.

Cutting Class (1989) d. Rospo Pallenberg: Slasher famous for being an early starring role for Brad Pitt. Jill Schoelen shows up to lend her trademark brand of over-acting. It’s a nightmare of directing, acting, and editing. Not much good to say about it other than I enjoyed the axe to the head at the end.

Triangle (2009) d. Christopher Smith: Timecrimes on a boat. I hated Smith’s Severance but had heard good things about this. It’s okay, but it was better when it was named Timecrimes. I don’t really care for Melissa George.

Ace in the Hole (1951) d. Billy Wilder: One of my favorite films. Kirk Douglas plays a reporter looking for his big break. It comes in the form of a man trapped in a cave collapse. Rather than get him out immediately, Douglas decides to milk the story for a week in order to advance his career. An incredible film.

Spartacus (1960) d. Stanley Kubrick: Probaby my favorite sword and sandal. Such a great film.

Infernal Affairs (2002) d. Wai-Keung Lau and Alan Mak: I still meet people who think Scorsese’s The Departed is some amazing work of cinema. I always tell them “You haven’t seen Infernal Affairs, have you?”. This movie is brilliant and blows Scorsese’s remake out of the water in every way shape or form. It’s in my top 10 favorite movies of the last decade. It’s that good. If you haven’t seen it, put it to the top of your netflix queue right now.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) d. Robert Zemeckis: This movie is all kinds of awesome. If you don’t like this, eat a dick.

Gangs of New York (2002) d. Martin Scorsese: How weird is it that Daniel Day-Lewis was only in four movies the past decade? Anyway, he’s great in this. It’s essentially the same role that he would play to acclaim a few years later in There Will Be Blood, but damn if he isn’t great as a power hungry asshole. I didn’t think I’d like this as the subject matter never appealed to me, which is why I avoided it until now. I was surprised by how much I liked it. It’s your standard “young boy returns for revenge on the man who killed his father” storyline, but the production values and performances make it worth viewing. Oh, and Cameron Diaz was only ever attractive in The Mask. Sorry everyone, she’s not attractive.

Home Movie (2008) d. Christopher Denhman: Recommended by Borp. Honestly not sure whether I liked this or not. I wish it would have been better developed and had gone into the children’s psychosis a little more. It’s one of those movies that had the potential to be amazing but it never fulfills those expectations. Still, I slightly lean towards it being worth my time and I like the realism vibe a lot of these “found footage” flicks achieve. Check it out, but with reservations.

Black Dynamite (2009) d. Scott Sanders: This is a really fun, kick ass movie you jive turkeys! A lot of the best and funniest moments are in the trailer but it’s still worth a look. A really good homage to 70’s blaxploitation but done in a non-artificial “look at me! I can drop fake film aging filters on my footage!” kind of way. A little too slow to start but really gets going during the last half.

Shutter Island (2010) d. Martin Scorsese: Yawn. Boring and predictable. I figured out the main twist within the first 5 minutes of the film and then guessed exactly what was going on with his wife shortly thereafter. This movie is a gorgeous slog.

Stealing Lincoln’s Body (2009) d. Trey Nelson: Really neat documentary on what happened to Abraham Lincoln’s body before, during, and after the funeral. Including the nice tidbit that after a botched robbery attempt, the guy who ran his memorial decided to keep him in the basement for two years and pile a bunch of rotting wood on top of the coffin so nobody would know he was there. Fascinating stuff.

North by Northwest (1959) d. Alfred Hitchcock: um…it’s great. Watch it.

Wishmaster (1997) d. Robert Kurtzman: The Warlock of the 90′s. This movie is total badass. Reviewed all of these on Splattercast 175.

Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies (1999) d. Jack Sholder: Liked it, just not as much as the first. Divoff is class.

Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) d. Jack Arnold:  So ridiculously good. One of the keys to the Gill-Man’s success is the decision to show him all the time. That costume is the bee’s knees and any chance to see it enhances everything. Oh, and Julie Adams is out of sight in that bikini. If I could remake this movie, I’d toss a young Jennifer Connelly into that role. In fact, I’ve got a great remake idea for this movie. Universal, call me before someone retarded like Stephen Sommers ruins it.

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell (2001) d. Chris Angel: eh….no.

Wishmaster 4: The Prophecy Fulfilled (2002) d. Chris Angel: eh…actually pretty good. Like the catch-22 wish that sort of traps the Djinn. Much better than 3, but not in the same league as 1 or 2. Where’s Divoff?!

Equinox (1970) d. Jack Woods: Such a terrible movie that has so much damn charm to it that you can’t not get a huge kick out of it. Famous for the stop motion fx work of Dennis Muren and feeling a lot like what would eventually come to be Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead. It is pretty unrelentingly boring before the action starts, though. Worth a look.

Revenge of the Creature (1955) d. Jack Arnold: Fantastic sequel that take the Gill-Man out of the Amazon and into an amusement park where he then escapes and wreaks havoc. Not as good as the first, but Arnold knows where his bread and butter is: showing the monster and putting hot girls in bikinis.

Kurt Cobain: About A Son (2006) d. AJ Schnack: A retarded film. It’s just Kurt Cobain interviews over footage that has nothing to do with him or Nirvana. They couldn’t get the rights to any Nirvana music, so it’s just a bunch of other shitty Seattle grunge bands for the soundtrack. An uninteresting, visually tepid experience that offers no insight into Cobain that couldn’t be gleaned from listening to In Utero.

Food, Inc. (2008) d. Robert Kenner: Cool doc showing how disgusting our food really is and how one or two companies own everything and how they destroy farmers. Will make you yearn for socialism.

From Within (2008) d. Phedon Papamichael: This was an After Dark film from a couple years back. I really enjoyed it. About a chick trying to figure out why a bunch of people in her town are killing themselves and the crazy wingnut religious community that believes evil is possessing people. Thought the lead chick was ridiculously cute. Total crush on that girl.

The Creature Walks Among Us (1956) d. John Sherwood: Misfire. For some stupid reason, the Gill-Man is captured in the Everglades (must be his summer home) and a bunch of scientists start trying to make him human. The more “human-like” costume is ugly as sin. The story is a kick in the balls to fans. Hate this.

Kwaidan (1964) d. Masaki Kobayashi: Brilliant Japanese ghost anthology. If you haven’t seen this, you need to stop reading this and seek it out. Absolutely adore the theatrical style of this film and all the breathtaking set design. Fave story is The Woman of the Snow, but the buildup to that brutal scene in Hoichi the Earless is worth the price of admission alone. Incredible flick.

The Blob (1958) d. Irvin S. Yeaworth, Jr.: Steve Motherfucking McQueen vs. The Blob. I hope Zombie McQueen rises from the grave to murder Rob Zombie for his inevitable ruining of this film for modern audiences.

My Bloody Valentine (1981) d. George Mihalka: Love this slasher. Great setting, cool killer costume, and a fun hook. No tits, though? Blasphemy?

Reality Bites (1994) d. Ben Stiller: Had never seen this but heard from a lot of people that it was the quintessential “90′s movie”. Whatever that means. Eh, I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t think it was that great either. I suppose it’s worth a look if nothing more than to see Winona Ryder running around with no bra. I hadn’t realized that Ben Stiller directed this.

The Reeds (2009) d. Nick Cohen: Piece of shit horror from England has no idea what kind of movie it wants to be. A ghost flick? A monster movie? A slasher? It does have a great setting going for it. Too bad the directing is so horrible that it makes watching it feel as if you’re stuck inside a rock tumbler.

Lake Mungo (2008) d. Joel Anderson: liked half of this movie, hated the other half. It has a lot of potential and the acting is top notch in every respect. Even has some genuinely scary moments. Unfortunately, about half way through you find out that what you think has been happening has all been a bad joke. The film then lurches to try to get back to that initial spooky feeling in the last half and it just doesn’t work. A remake is in the works, maybe the faults can be fixed.

Ali (2001) d. Michael Mann: Some dude has been jumping into the IRC chat acting like he’s the Champ. It got me thinking “Hey, I’ve never actually seen Mann’s Ali flick”. I love Michael Mann, so there is no real justification as to why I’d never seen this movie. I guess the man and the material just didn’t interest me. Anyway, it’s an okay film. I’d never watch it again. I didn’t think Will Smith gave a very deep or meaningful performance. Meh.

January
February

Anyways, here’s what I watched in sequential order. Orange means worth your time, Red means essential viewing.

Rashomon (1950) d. Akira Kurosawa: This movie is brilliant. I don’t even need to comment on it. If you haven’t seen it, then you’re not a fan of film yet.

4D Man (1959) d. Irvin S. Yeaworth Jr.: Yeaworth’s directorial follow up to the seminal The Blob, this one is far less interesting. A scientist figures out the key to penetrating the hardest steel…by entering the 4^th dimension and passing through it! This is a decent flick but not all that special. Long and bloated, but with the standard 50’s non explicit sexual tension standard in most sci-fi films of the time.

Mark of the Vampire (1935) d. Tod Browning: A sound remake of Browning’s own silent film, London After Midnight. This is a stagey drama castrated by the newly implemented Hayes Code.  Bela Lugosi returns as a vampire with his vampiress daughter Luna. The film has an ending that even Lugosi hated. Interesting historically, but not as an entertaining film.

The Mask of Fu Manchu (1932) d. Charles Brabin: Karloff wants to kill all white men and rape their women. Myrna Loy plays his sex crazed sadist of a daughter. It’s got torture, sex, and violence. Everything you’d come to expect in a pre-code film. Worth viewing.

Death Becomes Her (1992) d. Robert Zemeckis: I love this movie. It’s just a glorified Tales from the Crypt episode but Meryl Streep, Goldie Hawn, and Bruce Willis are great in it. About two women who take a potion that reverses the ageing process only to find themselves fighting over Willis. Oh, and I can’t get enough of Louise Brook’s style bobbed cut. Short hair is where it’s at, ladies.

Nightmare (1964) d. Freddie Francis: Excellent film about a rich heiress being driven insane after witnessing her mother kill her father. The black and white photography is stellar and Francis proves again that he is one of the great underrated horror directors (note: be sure to check out his previous film, Paranoiac, starring Oliver Reed, which is one of my all-time faves). Jimmy Sangster, writer of most of the great Hammer films, delivers another special script that totally switches gears half-way through. Excellent stuff.

The Phantom of the Opera (1962) d. Terence Fisher: I’m not a big fan of the PotO movies, but I really like this one. It’s quickly paced and the acting is terrific. Michael Gough (Alfred from Burton’s Batman films, for you kids) is brilliant as the asshole Lord Ambrose D’Arcy. I also like how the Phantom is not motivated by love but rather pure revenge and hatred for what D’Arcy did to him. Absolutely worth a look.

Child’s Play 3 (1991) d. Jack Bender: I’m not going to apologize for liking this movie. No movie should ever be described as a “guilty pleasure” (Because if it pleases you, why feel guilty?) and I’ll say it again, I like this film. Chucky goes to the most incompetent military school in the country to find Andy and proceeds to murder everyone he sees. Bizarrely, the finale takes place at a carnival, but I like carnivals so suck it.

Doctor X (1932) d. Michael Curtiz: Four words: Fay. Wray. In. Color. This film is about a group of professors attempting to figure out which one is the Moon Killer, a cannibal that is murdering and eating people throughout the city. The direction is stodgy and staged like the play the film is based upon (Curtiz would later go on to make Casablanca) but the pre-code elements and the color make it worth a look even if it is a bit stilted. Plus, Fay Wray gets a hand buzzer to the crotch at the end of the film, and she likes it.

Red-Headed Woman (1932) d. Jack Conway: You’ve probably figured out by now that I’m really interested in pre-code Hollywood cinema. This one’s about Jean Harlow sleeping her way around town in an attempt to gain social status. Of course, this was socially unacceptable at the time but that didn’t stop pre-code cinema from tackling such issues. There’s a famous scene here where Harlow gets smacked in the face by her lover only to come back and beg for more because she likes it. Worth a look.

Werewolf of London (1935) d. Stuart Walker:  Notable for being the first Hollywood werewolf flick. Jack Pierce’s first attempt at a werewolf makeup looks really good and properly beastlike. There is a magical scene where the camera tracks along with Hull as he transforms into the werewolf that is a must see. If you are a student of horror, then you sort of have to see this.

Waterloo Bridge (1931) d. James Whale: Whale made this right before Frankenstein. Mae Clarke stars as a prostitute who falls for a young military officer from a wealthy family. She refuses his advances because of her profession (which he doesn’t know about). The love story culminates in a climax on the Waterloo Bridge during an air raid by German zeppelins and a famous ending. Excellent movie.

Bad Biology (2008) d. Frank Henenlotter: I had high hopes for this but they were all dashed upon viewing. About a girl with seven clits who finds a guy with a two foot donkey dick with a mind of its own. It’s not funny or sexy.

Pandorum (2009) d. Christian Alvart: This was marketed as a new Event Horizon. It’s not. A couple dudes come out of hyper sleep to find a spaceship nearly empty with the exception of the cannibalistic monsters running around. Boring, slightly confusing, and visually uninteresting. Pass.

The Ox-Bow Incident (1943) d. William A. Wellman: “Wild Bill” Wellman is my third favorite director of all-time and I was in the mood for a great western. This is a can’t miss film starring Henry Fonda; about a posse that comes across three men who they suspect in the killing of a respected town citizen. The men claim they are innocent but the evidence points to the contrary. Meanwhile, the law is nowhere to be found. A brutally honest movie about man’s obsession with revenge and the lengths he’ll go to satiate it. Currently on Netflix instant.

My Best Fiend: Klaus Kinski (1999) d. Werner Herzog: This doc is Herzog narrating his experiences with the famous crazy German actor Klaus Kinski. He interviews various cast members and included clips from their collaborations to support Kinski’s genius. I liked it, but be warned that the only parts in English are when Herzog is talking or interviewing. All of the clips with Kinski, including a long 5 minute rant that opens the film, have no subtitles. Lots of funny anecdotes, though, including how a tribal chief came to Herzog offering to kill Kinski during a shoot. And Herzog admitting that, at the time, he regretted not taking the chieftain up on his offer.

Tank Girl (1995) d. Rachel Talalay: Had never seen this but always heard Deejay and Brady talking about it. It was on HBO and thought I’d give it a chance. I hated everything about it.

Frankenstein Unbound (1990) d. Roger Corman: Corman’s final film as director (as of now, anyway), this is a weird mashup of science fiction and horror. The premise: a scientist has created a new super weapon that has the nasty side effect of creating time slips. He’s sent into the past and must stop Frankenstein from creating a bride for his monster. This is pretty shitty. The monster looks terrible, the characters go nowhere, and the message of the film is muddled. Raul Julia, John Hurt, Bridget Fonda, and Michael Hutchence.

Penny Dreadful (2006) d. Richard Brandes: Caught this on IFC. It’s terrible. Absolutely terrible.

The Public Enemy (1931) d. William A. Wellman: A brilliant film. Cagney gives one of the great screen performances of all-time.

Gold Diggers of 1933 (1933) d. Mervyn LeRoy: Warren William is my favorite actor of all-time and he is on fire in this film about a group of chorus girls (including my crush, Joan Blondell) trying to put on a new show during the depression and the rich men they get involved with. Brilliant musical numbers and choreography by Busby Berkeley.

Altered States (1980) d. Ken Russell: Really enjoyed this. Full comments on Splattercast 169

The Incredible Hulk (2008) d. Louis Leterrier: Surprisingly fun sequel to Ang Lee’s 2003 misfire. Performances are better, the FX is better, and it’s just generally more exciting. Thought Abomination looked cool.

7 Faces of Dr. Lao (1964) d. George Pal: A really fun film about a carnival, run by Dr. Lao, and his merry band of historical and mythological attractions as they try to intervene and persuade the local townspeople to save their town from a baron who wants to buy it for a profit without telling them that the railroad is coming through in a year. It’s not incredibly funny, but it’s got a lot of charm to it and Tony Randall is great in all of the roles. Plus, stop motion Loch Ness Monster. Aces.

Bedlam (1946) d. Mark Robson: Brilliant. I rewatched this to get the Pete Walker taste out of my  mouth. Lewton flick that deals with much of the same subject matter that Walker did, only from the opposite perspective. Karloff plays the sadistic head of an insane asylum. Required viewing.

Saboteur (1942) d. Alfred Hitchcock: Hitch’s famous flick about homegrown terrorism. It’s a film that makes conservatives moist. It also happens to be great. I’ll meet you in Soda City.

Stacy (2001) d. Naoyuki Tomomatsu: Another stupid zombie movie. Watched this because I was interested in other stuff by Tomomatsu.

Dead End Drive-In (1986) d. Brian Trenchard-Smith: Really fun Aussie flick about a group of people stuck in a drive-in which is really a government run prison for rebellious youth. You come to the drive-in to get laid or see a movie, but you can’t ever leave. Fun, fun film. Recommended.

The Fall of the Roman Empire (1964) d. Anthony Mann: I don’t know what I was thinking, but I went on an Anthony Mann binge. The first of two back-to-back 3 hour sword and sandal epics. It takes a certain kind of person to sit through these kind of films. I’m one of them, and I still feel kicked in the balls after I’m through. Only recommended to S&S fiends, like myself.

El Cid (1961) d. Anthony Mann: Same thing. 3 hours of Charleton Heston. Only this time, instead of the interesting world of Rome, we have the totally uninteresting world of Spain. Mann makes the terrible mistake of casting Sophia Loren in both films. Let’s just say, she’s not known for her acting ability, yet she remains covered head to toe in each film. Maybe some cleavage would have livened things up. This film does have a spectacular ending, though. Getting there is a grind, however.

Sleepwalkers (1992) d. Mick Garris: No. Just, no.

Cat’s Eye (1985) d. Lewis Teague: Like this one a lot. A fun flick in the vein of EC Comics. Talked about Sleepwalkers and this on Splattercast #170

The Wolfman (2010) d. Joe Johnston (Theater): I’m a big supporter of this movie. It has character development problems, to be sure, but this delivered a really fun time with a really great movie monster. Apparently, I hate everything according to many of our listeners, but I don’t hate this movie. Go see it before it leaves the theaters. You’ll want to see it on a big screen.

Don’t Bother to Knock (1952) d. Roy Ward Baker: Marilyn Monroe stars as a batshit crazy babysitter. This was the film that was made to prove that she could “act”; that she was more than just a pair of great boobs with a bubbly personality. Does she succeed? Eh, she’s a little stiff in the role but she’s got moments of brilliance like the scene when she is about to push the little girl out of the window. She pulls off crazy very well. Roy Ward Baker should be known to all horror fans. He would go on to direct stuff like Quatermass and the Pit , The Vampire Lovers, and Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires.

The Crazies (1973) d. George Romero: An interesting failure. This is one of those films that has interesting concepts and ideas, but the execution is both flawed and it never lives up to its potential. It’s a film that could be done wonders with a good remake. Which is why I’m excited to see the new version.

Lo (2009) d. Travis Betz: Explodey Jo made me aware of this film a few months back with a post here on DL. It’s on Netflix Instant right now. It’s really good. About a dude who conjures a demon named Lo to find his girlfriend who has been dragged to hell by other demons. It has a unique presentation (for example, the “flashbacks” are done on a theater stage and acted very melodramatically). The main problem is that the twist is obvious from the very beginning, which makes all the talk of finding the girlfriend a bit anticlimactic. Still, worth a look for sure.

The Masque of the Red Death (1964) d. Roger Corman: This movie is, literally, perfect. The pinnacle of Corman’s Poe work. There is nothing I don’t like about this. Vincent Price gives, what I think, is his greatest performance. The final 20 minutes of this film are some of the finest you’ll ever see in the horror genre. If there is one film on this list that you have to see, it’s this one. I rewatch this at least three or four times a year. It’s that good.

Premature Burial (1962) d. Roger Corman: This is included on a great MGM Midnight Movie double bill DVD. Go buy it. This is not quite as good as Masque but is still rad as hell. Ray Milland plays a guy with a phobia of being buried alive. And he goes to great lengths to prevent that from happening. Great directing, great sets, and a bleak ending add up to an excellent experience.

The Maltese Falcon (1941) d. John Huston: Often cited as one of the greatest remakes of all-time. Bogart is such an electrifying screen presence. Obviously a must see for any film buff. I love noir.

Touch of Evil (1958) d. Orson Welles: As you can probably tell, I go through specific movie binges all the time. It happened to be noir during this phase of the month. This is a movie I just like to watch. It’s just so interestingly put together. The editing and lighting is so uniquely bizarre. I’m much less interested in the story aspect, which involves Welles framing an innocent man (and woman) and Heston’s drive to uncover the truth. If you like how movies are made, and that’s what interests you, you have to watch this.

I Wake Up Screaming (1941) d. H. Bruce Humberstone: I’d never seen this, but it happened to be on Netflix Instant and had a lot of things going for it. First, it was a noir. Second, it starred Vic Mature who is great. Thirdly, and totally coincidentally, the always wonderful Elisha Cook, Jr. has a main role (I didn’t plan this, but he seemed to appear in tons of movies I watched this month). Fourthly, Carole Landis. Yowza. As with most noirs, the plot is way too convoluted to try and explain, but I loved this flick.

House of Frankenstein (1944) d. Erle C. Kenton: An outstanding film is hampered by a totally unnecessary 20 minute sequence early on in the film involving Dracula. It feels totally forced (which it was by decree of Universal) and bogs down an otherwise quickly paced film. Karloff plays a mad scientist who enlists the services of The Wolfman to help him recreate and perfect the experiments of Dr. Frankenstein. Required viewing.

Starman (1984) d. John Carpenter: One of the greatest traits of John Carpenter is his ability to do great work in totally different genres. That’s a rare gift that I don’t think he gets enough credit for. This is a really good movie with a great performance by Jeff Bridges. And Karen Allen is cute as a button in this flick.

First Man Into Space (1959) d. Robert Day: A hot shot flyboy disobeys orders and pilots his spacecraft into space. He comes back as a disfigured monster that feeds on human blood. Robert Day also did the great Corridors of Blood. This one is billed as sci-fi but is really more horror. The monster fx look really great. Reminded me of something that would have come out of Seth Brundle’s telepods. It’s a little slow in the middle, but once the monster finally appears, it’s highly entertaining. Criterion has released this.

Orphan (2009) d. Jaume Collet-Serra: Isabelle Fuhrman puts in a great performance. Other than that, no. Just couldn’t get past the fact that every character was completely unlikeable and that the husband was the most retarded person on planet earth. Oh, and this movie could have been ten minutes long if the equally retarded kids had just said “Hey, she threatened to kill me and cut off my hairless pecker!”. Avoid.

Invaders of the Lost Gold (1982) d. Alan Birkinshaw: I don’t know why. Stop looking at me like that. I know I shouldn’t have watched it. It just happens sometimes, you know?

Crash (1996) d. David Cronenberg: I don’t think this is one of Cronenberg’s great films, but it’s certainly interesting and weird and a tad uncomfortable. I’ve heard the book is a lot more graphic than this and in reality, the film isn’t very graphic at all. Of course it stars James Spader. I bet James Spader has the most mundane sex life of anybody on the planet. He’s always in these weird kinky sexual deviant sort of flicks. You gotta watch this if you’re a Cronenberg completist.

Vampires in Havana (1985) d. Juan Padron: Very interesting. It’s an animated film out of Cuba about a vampire doctor who has created “Vampisun”, a drug that allows vampires to walk around during the day. He wants to give it away to all vampires but that doesn’t sit well with the capitalist vamps from American and Europe who don’t believe in giving anything away for free when a profit could be made. Some raunchy stuff here, including cartoon boobies and sex. It’s strange and worth a look since it’s not often you see an animated horror comedy from Cuba.

Red Sands (2009) d. Alex Turner: Alex Turner did Dead Birds, which I really liked. 5 years later, he returns to directing only to fall flat on his face. Red Sands is a really stupid commentary on the war in Afghanistan. About a group of soldiers who start getting picked off by the lamest Djinn you’ve ever seen. The moral of this story is: Djinn’s don’t like America, therefore they will body hop in order to get on a plane to America so that they can destroy it for its imperialistic designs. Fuck this movie.

Overnight (2003) d. Tony Montana and Mark Brian Smith: This is the documentary about Troy Duffy and all the problems he had with making Boondock Saints (which is a barometer movie for me, if you like BS, then well…i better just stop before I get into trouble). This documentary makes Duffy look like the biggest douche in the world. I couldn’t believe some of the stuff he said to these important people who gave him millions of dollars to make his film. And it’s all coming from his own mouth, so it’s hard to use the “bias” argument. His sense of entitlement is crazy. Funny, if you like to revel in the misery of others.

The Searchers (1956) d. John Ford: One of the great things about the ever expanding Netflix Instant library is that I can immediately watch a film that I don’t own on DVD and haven’t seen in a long time. This is one of them. Beautiful color western about John Wayne on a search to save a young girl who has been kidnapped by Indians. I have issues with the ending. One of the great westerns. Required viewing.

Hellblock 13 (1999) d. Paul Talbot: Very surprising anthology. Debbie Rochon plays a death row inmate who tells Gunnar Hansen stories that she’s written and wants published. It’s a Troma flick, but they actually take the material seriously. It’s hampered by a really low budget and the stories themselves aren’t original or interesting, but I was pleasantly surprised by what I saw. I can’t honestly recommend you run out and watch this, but if you really like anthologies, if that’s your thing, then maybe check this out some lazy Saturday afternoon.

Feast (2005) d. John Gulager: Re-watched this via IFC. Better than I remembered. It’s a fun monster flick. Disappointing that the sequels totally ruined what was potentially a really awesome property.

My Darling Clementine (1946) d. John Ford: Wyatt Earp (Henry Fonda) and his brothers head to Tombstone where they find Doc Holliday (played by the fucking awesome Vic Mature) and their ultimate confrontation with the Clanton’s at the famous O.K. Coral. Just a fantastic film. What really sets this apart is that it really focuses more on Holliday and you get many of the events from his perspective. For my money, the best adaptation of the famous events and battle in Tombstone.

Ran (1985) d. Akira Kurosawa: Breathtakingly epic. You can’t die without seeing Ran. It’s filmmaking as art in every sense of the word.

High Noon (1952) d. Fred Zinneman: Highly entertaining western that is more about people than it is gunfights. Gary Cooper plays a recently retired sheriff who comes back when he finds out that a notorious criminal is coming to town at high noon to kill him. The townspeople abandon him for various reasons, mainly out of fear, so it is up to Cooper to take on four gunmen. Lon Chaney, Jr. and Lloyd Bridges appear in cool roles. Grace Kelley is the gorgeous love interest. I don’t particularly like Cooper as an actor, but I really enjoy this story and how the film sets up the climactic finale.

Man of a Thousand Faces (1957) d. Joseph Pevney: Biography of Lon Chaney, Sr. starring James Cagney in the title role. It’s okay. Cagney gives a good performance and you get to see recreations of Chaney’s life including his Hunchback and Phantom roles. Like most Hollywood biographies, Chaney comes out looking great, as a devoted husband and father, when there is a lot of evidence that he was actually a total asshole who didn’t really care about Creighton and fully reveled in the perks that came with being a famous Hollywood actor. Worth a look, though with caution.

Dead Snow (2009) d. Tommy Wirkola: Yet another stupid zombie movie.

Notorious (2009) d. George Tillman Jr.: Biggie Smalls was a great guy. His only real sin was the occasional adulterous dalliance. 2Pac was a total dickhead who deserved it. That’s what I got out of this biography. Solid on the filmmaking aspect and buoyed by actual recordings of 2pac and the Notorious B.I.G. It’s just way too kind in its portrayal of Christopher Wallace. You can tell the family had “final cut” so to speak. But that chick who plays Lil’ Kim? Hot!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994) d. Kim Henkel: I’d actually never seen this. It’s now in my top 10 of worst films ever made. This thing is just hideous. According to Vaughn at Motion Picture Massacre, there is an extended 10 minute cut that is the director’s preferred vision. 10 minutes of Scarlett Johansson having lesbian sex with Jessica Biel could not make this movie any better. An absolute travesty of a film.

January’s Watchlist

I love movies. Of all the Splattercast hosts, I probably watch the most in terms of sheer volume. I try to get to 50-60 flicks per month. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but to better prepare for next year’s Splatcademy Awards, I decided to start making a note of every film I watch, and this new segment sort of grew out of that. So below you’ll find every feature length film that I watched in January, in sequential order of viewing, along with some brief comments on each one.

The first half of the month was dominated mostly with flicks I was trying to catch up on in prep work for the Splatcademy Awards. The second half was getting back to the stuff I generally watch. I generally try to avoid crap so you’ll find a lot of good stuff as you go further into the list.

Titles in orange are flicks that are definitely worth looking at, titles in red are sort of “can’t-miss” flicks that should be at the top of your Netflix queue. Enjoy.

The Road (2009) d. John Hillcoat (Theater): Really disliked this critical darling. Absolutely despised the kid which then caused the entire foundation of the movie to crumble for me. Looks pretty, though.

Jennifer’s Body (2009) d. Karyn Kusama: Absolute garbage of a film. At some point, when we’re less swamped, Rachel from Zombiegrrlz and I will be having a friendly debate about the merits of this flick.

Jaws 2 (1978) d. Jeannot Szwarc: Chatted about this on Splattercast 167. It sucks.

Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation (2008) d. Mark Hartley: Excellent documentary. Goes a little too fast, but a great overview of the seldom looked at subset of Australian exploitation.

Patrick (1978) d. Richard Franklin: A good companion piece to the documentary. A fun film that runs a little too long in the tooth.

Be Kind Rewind (2009) d. Michel Gondry: I’m always interested in seeing what Gondry is doing. This was sort of “meh”. A good concept that just goes nowhere. Mos Def sucks as an actor, so that doesn’t help.

A Perfect Getaway (2009) d. David Twohy: The one thing this film did was make me wish I lived in Hawaii. Predictable with a decent twist, depending on how smart you are.

The Children (2008) d. Tom Shankland: Really dug this. It’s hard to make kids appear menacing but Shankland really nailed it for the most part.

100 Feet (2008) d. Eric Red: Probably one of the most underseen horror films of last year. It’s a really fine ghost flick with an absolutely brutal kill in it. And hey, it’s not Asian!

The Resurrected (1992) d. Dan O’Bannon: Caught this after our show dedicated to Dan O’Bannon. It’s okay. Nothing to write home about but it does give off a nice Lovecraft flavor. Some good makeup, as well.

Last Tango in Paris (1972) d. Bernardo Bertolucci: It’s famous, but not all that interesting to me. Watching Marlon Brando butter up Maria Schneider’s ass just isn’t appealing. Maybe in ’72, but this is one of those films that people think they have to like just because it’s Bertolucci.

The Hound of the Baskervilles (1959) d. Terence Fisher: Hammer does Holmes in full color! Peter Cushing is brilliant as the Detective (even though he gets precious little screen time in the middle), it’s got Christopher Lee’s stoicism and some really excellent cinematography.

Repo: The Genetic Opera (2008) d. Darren Lynn Bousman: The music is horrible. And you have to sit through 90 minutes of it. ‘Nuff said.

The Happening (2008) d. M. Night Shyamalan: Ever since Shamalamadingdong was exposed as the one trick gimmick that he is, his career has been in utter freefall with one crappy film after another. This flick is a total insult to the intelligence of anyone who watches it. Possibly the worst thing I watched all month.

Schoolgirls in Chains (1973) d. Donald M. Jones: Surprisingly decent 70′s sleaze. Has some really uncomfortable stuff in it, such as a woman enjoying her rape at the hands of her attacker (well, at least the score seems to emphasize that) and a story of two brothers trying to please their mother by kidnapping women. If you like this kind of exploitation, this one’s worth a look.

Doomsday (2008) d. Neil Marshall: Bored out of my mind. And Rhona Mitra’s collagen enhanced lips are disgusting

Tyson (2008) d. James Toback: Fascinating film shot entirely from the perspective of Tyson as narrator. Makes you feel sympathetic for the guy, if you can believe that.

The Haunted Strangler (1958) d. Robert Day: This, along with the next film on this list, are available via Criterion. Both star Karloff and in this one he is trying to prove that the law executed the wrong man whom they suspected of being a serial killer. Good film with a really nice performance by Karloff.

Corridors of Blood (1958) d. Robert Day: If you have to choose between this and Strangler, this should be your selection. Karloff plays a famous surgeon who specializes in amputations that is desperately trying to figure out the secret to anesthesia. Christopher Lee plays a nasty killer supplying the medical school with bodies. Just a top notch film all around. Plus, you get to see an early appearance of Yvonne Romain (Lee actually tries to rape her, like I said, a really villainous role from Lee, here) and see Karloff get stoned!

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009) d. Declan O’Brien: Ugh. A group of cons being transported to a new prison crash and end up trying to escape through the woods on foot. Turns out, a cannibal and his kid are around and they want to make some prisoner stew. Ugly film that has none of the charm of the first two entries.

Warlock (1989) d. Steve Miner: Steve and I slurped this movie on Episode 166. A total gem of a movie with a great performance from Julian Sands as the titular warlock.

Straight-Jacket (1964) d. William Castle: I love me some William Castle. Stick a bat shit crazy Joan Crawford into a script by Robert Bloch and throw in your typical Castle zaniness and you’ve got yourself a fun time.

Motel Hell (1980) d. Kevin Connor: A cult classic deserving of its reputation. Lots of good performances and some great atmosphere combine to make this a really enjoyable viewing experience. A really top notch combination of horror and humor. Plus, it’s got this scene.

Eagle Eye (2008) d. D.J. Caruso: Saw this was playing on HBO and remembered that the teaser trailers were interesting. Way different than what I expected. This film is about some weird secret government super computer that is trying to kill the President and everybody in line to succeed him. It’s not good.

BASEketball (1998) d. David Zucker: Another HBO thing, I’d never seen this movie but all my Splattercast co-horts seemed to love it. So I gave it a shot. And a shot is all it will ever get. That Robert Stack cameo, not that funny, by the way.

Ghoulies (1985) d. Luca Bercovici: I missed out on participating in the Ghoulies cast because Netflix screwed me over. But again, this was on HBO so I caught it after the fact. I’ve pretty much already forgotten it but I do remember consciously thinking to myself “I have no desire to ever watch the sequels”. And I won’t.

Outpost Doom (2008) d. Mathew Kister: Borp told me that he liked the movie. If a Swede enjoys something or gives it the stamp of approval, that’s pretty much an excuse to run as far away from what is being recommended as possible.

Daybreakers (2010) d. Michael and Peter Spierig (Theater): Solid. Nothing more, nothing less. I wouldn’t recommend paying full theater price for this but it’s good for a matinee on a Saturday afternoon. My non-horror enjoying girl liked it, so it has some broader appeal.

Carriers (2009) d. Alex and David Pastor: Liked it quite a bit. It’s a slow burn but has some really outstanding performances. About a viral outbreak that has killed most of the world and a small group trying to make their way to the ocean. It’s like a good version of The Road. There are a few moments you’ll really need to suspend your disbelief for, though, in order for the story to keep moving.

Warlock II: The Armageddon (1993) d. Anthony Hickox: I enjoy it, but it’s a huge letdown from the first. Watchable if nothing else than for another good performance by Julian Sands and lots more blood and gore than the first.

Warlock III: The End of Innocence (1999) d. Eric Freiser: Bruce Payne does an admirable job stepping into the role Julian Sands left behind. But again, the series by this point is on a noticeable decline.

Career Opportunities (1991) d. Bryan Gordon: I really enjoyed Jennifer Connelly’s breasts. And that’s all I enjoyed.

Brides of Dracula (1960) d. Terence Fisher: The sequel to Hammer’s seminal Horror of Dracula, this one finds Van Helsing (played by venerable Peter Cushing) battling the vampiric Baron Meinster and the various women he turns into his “brides”. Without Christopher Lee, this film just doesn’t hold the appeal. Cushing tries his best, but the Baron Meinster character just sucks (no pun intended). I know some people who really dig this film, I’m not one of them.

Night Creatures (1962) d. Peter Graham Scott: also known as Captain Clegg, this is a fantastic pseudo-horror film that stars Cushing in a really different role from that which you are used to. 1o years after the brutal pirate Captain Clegg was executed, the British army comes to a small town led by a reverend (Cushing) investigating claims of bootlegging. While on the island, they become embroiled in the  mystery of the Marsh Phantoms, spirits that murder town locals. A great cast including Oliver Reed and Yvonne Romain add to the film considerably.

D.O.A. (1950) d. Rudolph Maté: Film noir about a man who has been poisoned and goes on a frantic race against the clock to find his killer before it’s too late. The film is probably most famous for its dramatic narrative of making it clear up front that the main character is, indeed, “dead”, as the poison is terminal. Excellent fast paced dialogue and gorgeous lighting help make this a standout noir.

Sick Girl (2007) d. Eben McGarr: If I saw a bunch of people burning this movie in a trash can, I wouldn’t try and stop them. This was the last flick I saw in preparation for the Splatcademy Award’s because a few different sites had this listed in their top 10 of the year. I’ll never listen and/or visit those podcasts or sites again.

Shutter (2004) d. Banjong Pisanthanakun and Parkpoom Wongpoom: wanted to revisit this because Horrorphilia had it in a few of their “all-decade” lists. Once again, it’s an Asian ghost film that has a couple cool moments lost in an ocean’s worth of nothingness. The concept is a good one, but the ghosts themselves were pretty hokey. I did like the last few shots with the girl sitting on the shoulders, but one good moment doesn’t make a good film.

The Prowler (1981) d. Joseph Zito: This is a pretty well regarded slasher buoyed by the fact that Savini, who did the fx, thinks of it as some of his greatest work. No offense to Mr. Savini, but I’d disagree. I don’t hate the film, but I don’t think it’s especially deserving of its status, either. The killer looks cool and I dig the pitchfork shower scene.

Jaws 3 (1983) d. Joe Alves: No.

Jaws: The Revenge (1987) d. Joseph Sargent: No.

Village of the Damned (1995) d. John Carpenter: I wanted to revisit what most people consider the beginning of the end of John Carpenter’s career. This is such a bad movie. It’s so indefensible. I have a theory that Carpenter’s demise began when he got really lazy with casting. Pretty much all of his subsequent movies after In the Mouth of Madness had actors that either were either miscast (James Woods in Vampires) or just sucked in the role (everyone in Ghosts of Mars). Christopher Reeve and Kirstie Alley set back the acting profession fifty years with their performances but Carpenter’s first mistake was trying to remake a near flawless film to begin with.

Clash of the Titans (1981) d. Desmond Davis: Speaking of near flawless films soon to be remade! Now that I’m in full geek out mode for the new Titans remake, I couldn’t not go back and watch the original. It’s glorious awesomeness. Harryhausen is art in motion, literally. If only we could erect a stop-motion statue in his honor.

Lightning Bug (2004) d. Robert Hall: Awesome flick currently on Netflix Instant. Tells the story of a young horror fx artist stuck in his super religious southern town (the locals don’t approve of his trade) with his white trash mother (Ashley Laurence) and his attempts to escape. Robert Hall recently did the overrated Laid to Rest, but this one is really mature stuff and really shows that he can handle better material. I recommend this one.

White Zombie (1932) d. Victor Halperin: Famous for being Hollywood’s “first zombie movie” even though it was an independent picture made with no money (but it did get to shoot on Universal lots, so there you go). I’ve got to be honest, it’s pretty overrated as a film. Bela Lugosi does a good job in his role as a villainous voodoo practitioner that has filled his sugar mill with zombies. Still, it gets its reputation from the fact that it was the “first” zombie film and all the adoration, warranted or unwarranted,  that comes with it. It’s worth a look for historical purposes, but just be warned that it isn’t very good and certainly doesn’t hold up well on repeat viewings.

Little Shop of Horrors (1960) d. Roger Corman: Corman is one of the most underrated horror directors of all time. Everyone knows him as producer extraordinaire, but whether it was his fabulous Poe collaborations with Vincent Price or his no-budget output like A Bucket of Blood, Corman was able to make the best of the worst situations. Most people are most familiar with this property because of the 80′s remake starring Rick Moranis, but nothing beats the sheer power of the original. Whether it’s Dick Miller eating flowers or detectives gruffly talking about horrible events in their lives, this is just a brilliant example of comedy and horror coming together.

The Flesh and Blood Show (1972) d. Pete Walker: Watched this in prep for Splattercast 168. This is a proto-slasher about a group of actors who are invited to a run down theater to practice and perform whilst being offed by a mysterious killer. Lots of naked ladies and elements that would become standard slasher fare make for an interesting and entertaining British romp.

The Wasp Woman (1959) d. Roger Corman: Story of a woman who decides to take an experimental wasp extract in order to turn around the failing profits of her cosmetics company. See, the wasp extract reverses the aging process. Sounds great and everything works fine, until she notices a nasty side effect: she turns into a wasp and kills anything that crosses her path. A fun film that is most noteworthy for how cheap and silly it all looks. The wasp costume is pretty ridiculous. An early example of a woman running her own company, which is interesting, especially for a 50′s film.

Isle of the Dead (1945) d. Mark Robson: Karloff is the greatest horror actor for a reason (with all due apologies to Mr. Lon Chaney). In this Val Lewton effort, Karloff plays a Greek general who becomes holed up on a small island when the plague appears. While waiting it out, some of the local island residents believe it is the work of a Vorvolakas, sent by the Greek god Hermes as punishment. Karloff’s devotion to science is put to the test as people begin dying around him. Fabulous, fabulous film with a cool premise and great performances.

Rear Window (1954) d. Alfred Hitchcock: I adore Rear Window to death. It’s one of my favorite films and I make it a point to revisit it every so often. There’s really nothing that needs to be said about this film other than watch it, and if you don’t like it, just stop watching films because you’re no longer allowed to.

Curse of the Werewolf (1961) d. Terence Fisher: I’m in love with Yvonne Romain’s breasts. Just sayin’. Another movie I just love to death, this is Hammer’s take on The Wolfman. This one is quite a bit different from the Universal picture and starts out with 20 minutes of just brutal viewing. From the degradation of a begger at the hands of the elites to the rape of the servant girl, this is one of Fisher’s most ugly and mean spirited films in terms of tone. But that’s what makes it brilliant. Oliver Reed stars as the titular werewolf. That alone should make you stick this to the top of your queue. And seriously, Yvonne Romain’s breasts are out of sight.

Hour of the Wolf (1968) d. Ingmar Bergman: Bergman’s only foray into our great genre is a surrealist nightmare of brilliance. Max von Sydow plays an artist that is slowly going insane and begins painting “demons”. His wife tries to cope with his madness but everything just starts to spiral out of control. Bergman is a Swedish treasure and anytime a master director decides to jump into the horror genre, it’s worth watching. This may be a bit inaccessible to some viewers but it’s a must watch for anybody who calls themselves a true fan of the horror genre.

Carnival of Souls (1962) d. Herk Harvey: The Criterion disc looks amazing. Herk Harvey is like the Michael Curtiz of horror. A hack director of insignificance  who suddenly makes something incredible (Casablanca) before vanishing into mediocrity again (only to be discovered years later by stuffy intellectuals who want to write papers about how awesome you really were, even though you weren’t). Sort of amazing that the film works so powerfully considering how poorly acted, constructed, and framed it is. It’s overvalued by most (much like Casablanca), but still a striking entry into the genre. And damn does that Criterion disc look amazing.

Frightmare (1974) d. Pete Walker: Continuing the Pete Walker prep. I read that this is often viewed as his “best” film. It’s about a crazy cannibal chick who is released from a mental institution that starts hacking people up again. Other than a really cool performance by Sheila Keith, I didn’t think it was anything special. Fairly boring, actually.

Made-Droid (2008) d. Naoyuki Tomomatsu: A Japanese sexploitation film that centers on two different stories. The first is an old man who is coming to grips with the “death” of his Maid Droid, the love of his life, due to her batteries dying. The second involves a cop hunting down a robotic dog that is raping women. Seriously. If you can get past the constant nudity and sex, there is a really interesting story and themes that are explored here. It even uses Asimov’s Laws of Robotics as the starting point. It’s sort of disappointing that this film had to be wrapped up in non-stop sex because, dare I say it, there is actually some thought provoking stuff going on here. Recommended if you can handle this kind of thing.

Laura (1944) d. Otto Preminger: Brilliantly acted noir about a cop investigating the death of Laura Hunt, who just so happened to take a shotgun blast to the face at close range (gotta love noir, right?). Vincent Price in a non-horror role is worth the price of admission alone. Preminger has a lot of really great stuff and this is one of his most accessible. Certainly recommended.

House of Whipcord (1974) d. Pete Walker: Story of a model who gets taken to a prison that is set up to punish women for their loose morals. Didn’t think it was horrible but nothing I’d ever watch again. Pretty ho-hum, run-of-the-mill woman’s prison flick.  The Shriek Show dvd print is truly awful in a lot of scenes. Pretty much anything that takes place in night is unwatchable as the frame is totally black. Full comments on Splattercast 168.

10. Drag Me to Hell: What an odd movie. The pre-release buzz of Sam Raimi’s “return to horror” was a mixture of “OH MY GOD I LOVE HIM” and “F*CKING PG-13 SELLOUT TARDFACE!”. Even now this movie is polarizing. A 92% critical slurpfest vs. Brother D’s accusations of Raimi “using” the horror audience. The truth that nobody wants to hear is that Drag Me is neither a genre classic nor an excuse by Sam Raimi to milk money out of naive and gullible horror fanboys. It’s really Raimi just having fun after years of the tumultuous stress and grind of the Spiderman films. There is no deep message here. It’s Sam Raimi directing an extended Tales From the Crypt episode with his trademarked directorial zaniness. And you know what? I like that. Sometimes you don’t need a genre giant to reinvent the wheel. You just need him to show you how awesome his wheel was when he made it the first time.

9. The Uninvited: I haven’t seen any top ten lists with this film on it and it might surprise some listeners/readers to see me put it on my list. Proving once again that there is nothing wrong with remaking a film, The Uninvited, itself a remake of the interesting Korean film A Tale of Two Sisters, flew under almost everyone’s radar this year. It has some really fine performances and it just a solid film all around. It isn’t as violent and mean spirited as the Korean film, and I think a lot of people sort of dismissed and/or pre-judged it because of that. It’s a shame because this is the perfect type of horror film to show a wife or girlfriend who maybe isn’t into some of the harder stuff that’s all the rage (unfortunately) these days. A solid, slick thriller.

8. Donkey Punch: Some people might not call this horror, but as I always say, horror is a Big Tent genre. It’s unique in that it can co-opt the conventions of, literally, every other genre and successfully merge them with its own. This is why horror can appear anywhere, be it musicals, comedy, or drama. Donkey Punch is essentially a slasher film only only without a faceless killer. Everything else is there: blood, boobs, a group trapped in the middle of “nowhere” (here, the ocean). It’s about a group of people stuck on a boat dealing with the consequences of one person killing a woman by, well, donkey punching her.  It’s situational horror about events that spiral totally out of control and the reaction of the characters to those events. It succeeds as a film even though the donkey punch premise seems totally absurd on the face of it.

7. Trick ‘r Treat: Horror fans waited years for this and, for the most part, it was worth it. A lot of people call this film an anthology but it just feels different to me. I don’t consider it an anthology in the classic sense. Sure, it has a few stories all going on and various characters interact with each other during different time periods on Halloween night, but the stories just don’t hold up as individual things. Sort of like how nobody thinks of a Quentin Tarantino movie an “anthology” even though multiple stories and character interact over the course of the film. Anyway, this is certainly a fun and well made flick. Good performances all around and a very polished, professional sheen.

6. The Burrowers: I like westerns and I like horror. Put the two together and you are already starting off on the right foot as far as I’m concerned. Aside from the gorgeous cinematography, the film features some fine performances. I really dug (ba-dum ching!) the fact that there were these monsters around and that the only reason they bothered to attack us was because we had eliminated their food source. It makes these creatures a bit sympathetic and anytime you can do that with a movie monster you’ve accomplished something.

5. Deadgirl: We’ve talked about this on the Splattercast before, but this is a movie that makes you feel really uncomfortable to be a guy. Again, the performances are outstanding but it was this weird morally ambiguous narrative going on throughout the film that really succeeded in creating a reaction in viewers, be it positive or negative. Even though the premise is totally unrealistic in that the girl is a zombie, the dialogue and performances really made it feel realistic. It made me feel gross in sort of the same way that The Girl Next Door did. A well made, original flick in a sea of unoriginal zombie films.

4. Coraline: I didn’t get to see this in 3D but did catch it recently and I was highly impressed by this stop-motion flick. It’s always going to be compared to Tim Burton’s animated stuff which is sort of disappointing because Coraline out-Burtons Burton.The visuals are stunning and it nails a vein of creepiness that many animated features miss out on.  There’s something about button eyes that is unsettling. Not just a visual treat, Coraline is really interesting commentary on childhood and how no matter how much we might think our parents suck and that life is boring, the alternative might not be what we think we actually want.

3. House of the Devil: Screw the people who think this movie is boring. I’ve already posted a review of this flick but though I agree that it isn’t some amazing piece of horror cinema, it’s still a damn fine film. It’s a film that gets better as it sits with you and you let it simmer around in your mind. A second viewing of this actually made me like the film more than I did the first time, so that review is already out of date. It’s a film that takes its time and I don’t see that as a negative. Long time listeners of the Splattercast know that these kind of films are right in my wheelhouse. I like seeing a movie where I can appreciate the craft of making it just as much as the story or visuals. And I fully endorse techniques that don’t throw gallons of blood in my face yet still keep me completely engaged.

2. Pontypool: The fact that this movie is so hard to describe is exactly why it is so powerful. If you haven’t seen it, it’s essentially about radio disc jockey and his producer who are getting calls about strange events occurring in the town. Ostensibly, people are going to call this a zombie movie. But it’s so much more than a zombie movie that it actually transcends that kind of easy categorization. It’s a “zombie” movie for intellectuals. A film that is actually smart and knows that it’s smart. I’ve long been a vocal critic of zombie films. I generally just don’t care for them because I find them incredibly stupid on any sort of intellectual level. It’s not surprising that two “zombie” movies show up on my top 10 this year, precisely because they aren’t glorified demos for aspiring fx artists.

1. Paranormal Activity: This movie floored me in a way no horror movie has done since I was a kid. It reminded me that being scared while consciously watching something you know to be “fake” is not only possible, but can be done and done amazingly well. Love it or hate, PA was a national phenomenon. Not on the scale of Blair Witch, but huge nontheless. The people who hate this movie are morons. Even if you weren’t scared by it, it was still an incredible display of suspense, atmosphere, tension, and sound. The “Dragging Scene” was just the bee’s knees and arguably the finest scene of pure horror that the genre produced this decade. And it did it all by showing absolutely nothing. This is the kind of movie that some 10 year old kid watches and then decides “I want to make horror movies.”

I’ve been spending the last couple weeks catching up on every horror flick released this year that I’ve heard any positive comments about. I’ve enjoyed most of the stuff I’ve seen so far. But one flick that certainly isn’t high on my list is Feast 3: The Happy Finish. I won’t mention any names, but a certain podcast had this in its Top 10 of 2009 list and let’s just say that I will know longer be taking their recommendations seriously. Although, I will have to say, that Steve will probably cream himself when he sees this. Deejay and Jeff, too. It’s like the bastard love child of Uwe Boll and Lloyd Kaufman. For example, during one scene when a hybrid creature is created, it jumps over the camera. Unfortunately for the camera, it’s giant ball sack slams into the lens and knocks it backwards. There’s another character called Short Bus Gus who dresses like Obi-Wan Kenobi and has the mysterious “power” to keep the creatures at bay. It’s not a coincidence that I think of “short bus” and Steve immediately comes to mind. This movie is beyond stupid, but what I’m saying is, a lot of the Splattercast listeners will probably love every minute of it

The passing of Dan O’Bannon today greatly saddens me. Horror is a genre that rarely celebrates its writers. We’re usually preoccupied with the directors or fx artists, but O’Bannon was one of the few who was recognized and respected immediately upon mention of his name. Matheson and King are usually the two writers slurped by the horror community, but O’Bannon had just as much impact on the genre with Alien as Matheson did with I Am Legend, and, frankly, Dan just wrote better screenplays than Stephen. He didn’t have the quantity many others had, but his quality is almost unmatched. Monday’s Splattercast will be dedicated to O’Bannon and we’ll be tackling several of his films. Get yo oss to Mahs!

Tomorrow morning I will officially graduate from the comfy confines of my liberal utopia and be forced into the unsympathetic evil world of capitalism. I want to thank the government for forcibly taking tax dollars away from my conservative friends so I could be indoctrinated into the Collective. I also want to thank all of the socialist and communist film theorists that filled my nights with explanations of why my camera is actually just a tool to bring about social change and that entertainment should have no place in cinema. I predict you’ll all be sufficiently converted when you see my  mad Dialectical Montage sequences in Outpost Doom. You’ll have to be, cuz you certainly won’t be entertained. Fight the man!

Oh, and Karl Marx. I gotta thank Karl Marx.

I’m totally going to embrace my inner sports fan, here, so if you have no interest in reading some personal thoughts/feelings from a diehard sports fan about his favorite team, then just completely ignore this post

I’m a horror fan. And I’m a sports fan. For some reason, a lot of people seem to think you can’t be both. A film geek who likes sports? Yep, that’s me. And I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’m not a big professional sports fan. When it comes to pro teams, I’m the sort of person who follows certain players rather than following any blind allegiance to a pro team. My favorite sport is, without question, basketball. I just love the game. Dwayne Wade happens to be my favorite player and he just so happens to play for the Heat. But I have no loyalty to the Heat franchise. If D-Wade leaves as a free agent next summer, I’ll just be inclined to root for whatever team he is on by default. Professional sports just don’t interest and/or grab me the way college sports do. In college, it’s all about the team. Through thick and thin: you stick with team over the individual. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that you know, for the most part, college players aren’t going to jump from team to team and there is always such a revolving door of new and exiting players. The team just becomes the focus. College athletics are about tradition and every college fan wraps themselves up in that tradition and wants to participate in it in some way.

I remember when I became a fan of the Florida State Seminoles, much to the chagrin of my Nebraska counterparts. It was actually when I was living in California and it began innocently enough. I was about seven or eight and saw one of their games on television. I remember thinking the uniforms were cool. And when you’re a kid, that’s sort of what you notice when you don’t understand anything about the game itself. My entire family is from Nebraska, so they were always Cornhusker fans (another team with a great tradition). For whatever reason, I just couldn’t stand that team. I didn’t like how they played, I thought they were boring to watch, and of course, those uniforms were ugly. What attracted me to the Seminoles as a kid was the coolness of it all. These guys had that famous warchant and tomahawk chop. They passed the ball all over the field. Their players were fast as hell and had a cocky swagger to them that drove people in Nebraska nuts (which just made them seem even cooler). Seeing Chief Osceola ride Renegade to the center of the field and throw a flaming spear into the 50 yard line…who doesn’t think that is rad? I mean, they even have a sod cemetary,  where they would take a piece of the opposing teams field and bury it, complete with a tombstone. They even had great villains. The Miami Hurricanes. Just as good, cocky, and fun to watch, but the identified mortal enemy. It was just great drama and pageantry, all around. As a kid, FSU was just way more appealing than Nebraska and it was a way for me to sort of find my own niche and not just like a team because I was supposed to like them because I happened to be from that state. It also helped that they won. All the time. So not only were they cool as hell, but they were always on Nebraska’s level of success which always allowed for lively debates at family gatherings. As my mom always likes to point out, I was a cocky California kid whose mouth got him into trouble quite a bit: FSU was the team for me. Always has been, always will.

As I grew older and became more of a fan, and began to understand the nuance of the rivalries, the matchups, the individual players, I became totally, an FSU fanatic. I would watch every game I could. I watched Wide Right I and Wide Right II and still remember the sting and hurt from seeing “my team” lose such heartbreaking games (to The Enemy, no less), and thus, National Championships. I remember the craziness of 1993, when Florida State played Nebraska for the title (watch and weep, Cornsuckers!). I actually had to go into the bathroom and shut the door because I was afraid to watch that final Nebraska field goal attempt. In other words, being a fan of Florida State was a big part of my childhood. It was more than just rooting for a team, it was a way for me to have something of my own, in a way. My “fanatic” years peaked around the age of 18 or 19. From that point on, I started doing other things that just took my attention away from sports. By the time high school ended, I no longer felt the need to watch every game. I no longer got bothered over losses. I was more preoccupied with girls, music, and movies.  But I’ve always remained a fan. I follow the team every year, no longer with the insane passion I once did, but I can never truly get away from the fact that FSU feels personal to me. I think that is the mark of a true fan. When even if you don’t follow the day to day news anymore, you still feel like you are part of that “tradition” and I certainly want to see it prosper again.

Which brings me to Bobby Bowden. Coach Bowden was always the constant with FSU football. Players come and go, but the one thing you could always count on was seeing this jolly dude saying “Dadgumit!”. Bobby Bowden is Florida State football.  Unlike Nebraska, which had Bob Devaney before Tom Osborne (by the way, we beat T.O. in all the bowl games) Florida State was nothing before Bobby Bowden. The entire history of Florida State football was written and created by Bobby Bowden which makes his forced resignation (and let’s not beat around the bush, that’s what it was) all the more sad. It is no secret that FSU hasn’t been a factor in the championship discussion for some time and in this day and age, everything is  “what have you done for me lately?”. Bowden certainly has made his share of mistakes (most glaringly, hiring his son as offensive coordinator and then refusing to fire him even though it was clear that it needed to be done), but to kick this guy to the curb when he is obviously not ready to go is really unfair, in my opinion. Admittedly, I have a pro-Bowden bias, but it just seems like this was handled all wrong. Four of FSU’s six losses this year have been by 10 points or less and they were in every game to the very end. I have a strong suspicion that if the team was 10-2 right now instead of 6-6, Bowden would have been given his final year with a senior laden offense and one last run at a BCS bowl. It was only a few years ago that people in Penn State were calling for the head of Joe Paterno after multiple losing seasons, only for JoePa to turn the program back into a power.

But that’s what Bobby Bowden’s career has always seemed to be: near misses. Florida State was the winningest program in the 90′s and Bowden scored two National Championships in 93 and 99. But most college football observers note that, if not for a million missed field goal attempts, he would probably have another 2 titles, at the very least. The past decade has been filled with near misses. Can’t miss QB and RB recruits that turned out to be total busts. Close losses that seemed to pile up instead of being the rare heartbreakers of decades past. It just all seemed to coalesce into a perfect storm, and now FSU thinks Jimbo Fisher is the answer, and it’s time to push the man who made the institution out of the way.

I don’t blame Bowden for many of the lapses of the past few years. Sure, he deserves some of the blame for stubbornly sticking to nepotism when it clearly was hurting his program. He should have been more vigilant on the recruiting trail. But to his credit, he did overhaul the entire system, bringing in highly praised and “qualified” assistant coaches. He did what the rabid boosters and fans wanted. But somehow, Jimbo Fisher and the rest aren’t getting the blame for being the ones calling the plays the past few years. All the rage is being directed on an 80 year old guy who loves his school and program to death and probably feels disgusted that a bunch of dickheads are forcing him to leave the thing he built. 34 years. And they couldn’t give him his final year?

I grew up with Bobby Bowden. I guess I can sort of feel the way Nebraska fans did when Tom Osborne left, only instead of getting to go out on his own terms, Bowden’s forced departure just feels like a betrayal. As a fan, I feel like the team is letting me down. Bowden doesn’t deserve to go out like this, but for all FSU fans who grew up with this dadgum coach, I think I can say “You’ll always be FSU’s coach and you’ll be missed”.

Aphrodite – David Cronenberg

Who is she? Aphrodite, or Venus if you’re Roman, is the embodiment of frenzied lust, sexuality, beauty and love. Legend has it she arose from the foam of the sea when Cronus, ahem, removed his daddy’s genitals and tossed them in the ocean. She is considered the most beautiful and irresistible being ever created and because of this she has an incredible power over not only humanity, but the gods and goddesses as well. So fearful that the other gods wouldn’t be able to keep it in their pants, Zeus married her to the crippled god Hephaestus. Unfortunately, when you are the goddess of lust, you’re gonna be screwing. A lot. And that causes trouble. Lots of it. Aphrodite’s famous children include Eros (Cupid) and Priapus. Her sacred animals include the Dove, Sparrow, and Swan. She adores Myrtle trees.

What makes her badass? You can probably imagine the perks of not only being the hottest god in the universe but being an insatiable nympho at the same time. Actually, you can’t adequately imagine it because if you did, it would blow your goddamn mind. All Aphrodite needs to do is give you that “come hither” look and you’ll be…well, you get the punchline, right? The universal maxim “Bro’s Before Ho’s” does not apply in any situation involving Aphrodite. If she shows up at your door at the same time you are trying to talk your best friend out of committing suicide…you leave with Aphrodite. Sorry, bro. Aphrodite is so friggin’ hot that she scares the hell out of Zeus. That’s power, people.

On the other hand…. Every female in the universe despises you. Extreme jealousy of your beauty and the fact that you often bang their husbands better than they can do themselves doesn’t leave you many female friends. You can also be a pretty tyrannical bitch, such as when you caused the horses of Glaucus to go insane and tear him apart because he wouldn’t let them have sex with each other. That’s cold. If it doesn’t deal with sex, you’re pretty much a total waste of space such as when you got your ass handed to you by Athena when you challenged her to a weaving contest.  You also caused the start of the Trojan War by giving Helen to Paris. You might be the most awesome lay ever, but forward thinking is totally absent from your skillset.

Who is he? David Paul Cronenberg. Canadien. One of the most respected filmmakers in the world.  Perfected and mastered (some would argue created) the subgenre of horror known as Body Horror with such films as Shivers, Rabid, The Fly, and Videodrome. Could very well be a scanner and blow your head into a million tiny pieces for being stupid.

What Makes him Badass? Other than the fact that the guy is so awesome that he made a cameo in Jason X knowing full well that, even being in that z-grade schlock, nobody would question the respect and accolades that have been thrown his way? Cronenberg is one of the few 20th century horror directors that are making top-notch films in the 21st century. It could be argued that, in his entire directorial filmography, he has never truly made a “dud” film. Teleported into existence, arguably, the greatest horror remake ever with The Fly. Also incredibly important in melding modern science-fiction themes (specifically: technology) to the horror genre. Is a Pisces and as such, astrologically, exalts…wait for it…Venus!

On the other hand… Dude hasn’t made a horror film in the traditional modern sense in a long ass time. Fast Company might be an example against the “non-dud” thesis. A very non-commercial director and although that certainly can be a very good thing, the double edged sword is that many of his great films are unaccesible to many people and/or, flat out disgusting. A lot of people take offense to some of the sexual imagery and themes in films such as Crash and Dead Ringers. The one great horror director that shows no signs of returning to the genre that made him famous. This is a guy that many feel could put American horror back on the map again, meaning it is all the more sad that it isn’t going to happen.

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So why this goddess? No horror director so perfectly makes use of sex, lust, and beauty in his films and then completley deconstructs those expectations and conventions. Aphrodite is often mischaracterized in our modern society as the “goddess of love” when in reality the Greeks and Romans considered her the embodiment of that moment when you are almost crazed for sex. Cronenberg’s horror output oozes Aphrodite-esque lust and then grotesquely deforms it into a horrifying mess of decaying flesh, puss, and bile. Just as Aphrodite might give you the best night in bed you’ve ever had, the consequences afterwards won’t be very good at all. In Shivers, it’s a parasite. In The Fly, sex turns from a “loving” act into one of pure impulse after Jeff Goldblum starts turning. Cronenberg is still experimenting with sexuality in his films, most notably with the famous stairwell rape scene in A History of Violence. Though Cronenberg continues to make great films, he will continue to face his share of resentments and disappointments with each subsequent film. There is a certain sense that Cronenberg is a one-trick pony (though, admittedly, he does that trick masterfully) and the fact that he is moving further away from the horror genre saddens a lot of fans. Still, the filmography speaks for itself and it is a filmography that many other directors would kill to have even an 1/8th of. Cronenberg might not be making horror films, but we can at least be grateful that he hasn’t gone the way of some of our other icons. In fact, maybe it’s better that he not sully a golden reputation the likes of which Romero and Hooper have already done to the dismay of many horror fans who begged them to come back.

Cheers, guys!

Well i was in Las Vegas we were searching for a place to get away from the noise, So we ducked into this bar and to the left hand side they had the House of the Dead Gauntlet.  In other words every House of the Dead Game in order with some very great Signs. (thats about 6 foot tall and some of the heads stick out 2 feet)