Aphrodite – David Cronenberg

Who is she? Aphrodite, or Venus if you’re Roman, is the embodiment of frenzied lust, sexuality, beauty and love. Legend has it she arose from the foam of the sea when Cronus, ahem, removed his daddy’s genitals and tossed them in the ocean. She is considered the most beautiful and irresistible being ever created and because of this she has an incredible power over not only humanity, but the gods and goddesses as well. So fearful that the other gods wouldn’t be able to keep it in their pants, Zeus married her to the crippled god Hephaestus. Unfortunately, when you are the goddess of lust, you’re gonna be screwing. A lot. And that causes trouble. Lots of it. Aphrodite’s famous children include Eros (Cupid) and Priapus. Her sacred animals include the Dove, Sparrow, and Swan. She adores Myrtle trees.

What makes her badass? You can probably imagine the perks of not only being the hottest god in the universe but being an insatiable nympho at the same time. Actually, you can’t adequately imagine it because if you did, it would blow your goddamn mind. All Aphrodite needs to do is give you that “come hither” look and you’ll be…well, you get the punchline, right? The universal maxim “Bro’s Before Ho’s” does not apply in any situation involving Aphrodite. If she shows up at your door at the same time you are trying to talk your best friend out of committing suicide…you leave with Aphrodite. Sorry, bro. Aphrodite is so friggin’ hot that she scares the hell out of Zeus. That’s power, people.

On the other hand…. Every female in the universe despises you. Extreme jealousy of your beauty and the fact that you often bang their husbands better than they can do themselves doesn’t leave you many female friends. You can also be a pretty tyrannical bitch, such as when you caused the horses of Glaucus to go insane and tear him apart because he wouldn’t let them have sex with each other. That’s cold. If it doesn’t deal with sex, you’re pretty much a total waste of space such as when you got your ass handed to you by Athena when you challenged her to a weaving contest.  You also caused the start of the Trojan War by giving Helen to Paris. You might be the most awesome lay ever, but forward thinking is totally absent from your skillset.

Who is he? David Paul Cronenberg. Canadien. One of the most respected filmmakers in the world.  Perfected and mastered (some would argue created) the subgenre of horror known as Body Horror with such films as Shivers, Rabid, The Fly, and Videodrome. Could very well be a scanner and blow your head into a million tiny pieces for being stupid.

What Makes him Badass? Other than the fact that the guy is so awesome that he made a cameo in Jason X knowing full well that, even being in that z-grade schlock, nobody would question the respect and accolades that have been thrown his way? Cronenberg is one of the few 20th century horror directors that are making top-notch films in the 21st century. It could be argued that, in his entire directorial filmography, he has never truly made a “dud” film. Teleported into existence, arguably, the greatest horror remake ever with The Fly. Also incredibly important in melding modern science-fiction themes (specifically: technology) to the horror genre. Is a Pisces and as such, astrologically, exalts…wait for it…Venus!

On the other hand… Dude hasn’t made a horror film in the traditional modern sense in a long ass time. Fast Company might be an example against the “non-dud” thesis. A very non-commercial director and although that certainly can be a very good thing, the double edged sword is that many of his great films are unaccesible to many people and/or, flat out disgusting. A lot of people take offense to some of the sexual imagery and themes in films such as Crash and Dead Ringers. The one great horror director that shows no signs of returning to the genre that made him famous. This is a guy that many feel could put American horror back on the map again, meaning it is all the more sad that it isn’t going to happen.

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So why this goddess? No horror director so perfectly makes use of sex, lust, and beauty in his films and then completley deconstructs those expectations and conventions. Aphrodite is often mischaracterized in our modern society as the “goddess of love” when in reality the Greeks and Romans considered her the embodiment of that moment when you are almost crazed for sex. Cronenberg’s horror output oozes Aphrodite-esque lust and then grotesquely deforms it into a horrifying mess of decaying flesh, puss, and bile. Just as Aphrodite might give you the best night in bed you’ve ever had, the consequences afterwards won’t be very good at all. In Shivers, it’s a parasite. In The Fly, sex turns from a “loving” act into one of pure impulse after Jeff Goldblum starts turning. Cronenberg is still experimenting with sexuality in his films, most notably with the famous stairwell rape scene in A History of Violence. Though Cronenberg continues to make great films, he will continue to face his share of resentments and disappointments with each subsequent film. There is a certain sense that Cronenberg is a one-trick pony (though, admittedly, he does that trick masterfully) and the fact that he is moving further away from the horror genre saddens a lot of fans. Still, the filmography speaks for itself and it is a filmography that many other directors would kill to have even an 1/8th of. Cronenberg might not be making horror films, but we can at least be grateful that he hasn’t gone the way of some of our other icons. In fact, maybe it’s better that he not sully a golden reputation the likes of which Romero and Hooper have already done to the dismay of many horror fans who begged them to come back.

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Hephaestus – Tobe Hooper

Who is he? Hephaestus, also known as Vulcan, is the blacksmith of the gods. His stories generally involve him making the armaments for the other gods with his servants, according to some accounts, the Cyclopes. He is often associated with volcanoes. Hephaestus is generally considered a cranky god probably due to the fact that he was the only Olympian who was ugly and portrayed as crippled. He’s generally shown carrying a hammer and leaned over a forge.

What makes him badass? You’ve made some fine armor and weaponry. Achilles, Hermes, Aphrodite, and Heracles, among others, can claim to have been helped by your wares.  Because you build stuff with your hands, you are looked upon fondly by artists, sculptors, and craftsmen. It could be argued that heroes and gods who use your weapons would pretty much suck without your services.

On the other hand…. You’ve got the distinction of being the black sheep of the Olympian gods. Not only does everyone else think you’re ugly and a pathetic cripple, but nobody gives you any credit when their weapons or armor lead them to victory. In other words, everybody else gets all the accolades except you. Also, women can’t stand you. Athena refused to screw you, Aphrodite cheated on you with Ares, and your mom Hera was so disgusted by the site of you that she tossed you out of Olympus. The only notable mythological stories about you also happen to be about how much you suck.

Who is he? Professor Willard Tobe Hooper. Director of such horror and sci-fi flicks as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Eaten Alive, Salem’s Lot, The Funhouse, Poltergeist, LifeForce, TCM 2, and Invaders From Mars. Usually mentioned as one of the “Big Four” of modern horror along with Romero, Carpenter, and Craven.

What Makes him Badass? The 1974 pseudo-documentary grindhouse exploitation flick The Texas Chainsaw Massacre had an indelible effect on the course of modern horror. It’s grimy, yet simple aesthetic would lead to hundreds, if not thousands, of imitators over the years and would make Leatherface an iconic horror monster. Your name is on Poltergeist. You’ve made less widely regarded, yet solid films such as Eaten Alive and Funhouse. Quentin Tarantino, Sam Raimi, and Guillermo Del Toro slurp you. The royalties from TCM make you set for life and allow you to keep putting “From the director of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre” before every piece of crap you make guaranteeing people will watch and keep your name in the popular horror conciousness. Plus, you’ve got plenty of dillusional apologists who insist TCM 2 is awesome. And sorta like Hephaestus, you’re film aesthetic fits with the idea of a dude hammering away, toiling in the dirt and nastiness of the lower levels. Hitchcock, you ain’t.

On the other hand… It could be argued that TCM is the only quality thing you’ve ever done. Even your “solid” films can be looked at with a heavy dose of skepticism. And the other classic on your resume, Poltergeist, reeks of a certain heavy handed influence by George Lucas’ pity fuck partner, Steven Spielberg. The past 20 years of your directing career have offered some of the worst dreck the genre has had to offer. The Mangler, Mortuary, The Toolbox Murders, and Dance of the Dead have only reinforced the image that you are not only inferior to Carpenter, Craven, and Romero, but that you never had that much talent to begin with.

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So why this god? Just like Hephaestus, Tobe Hooper is the black sheep of the horror world. While everyone recognizes the greatness and importance of TCM, just as everyone recognizes the importance of Hephaestus building a bow and arrow for Cupid, he’s the one guy that you’d leave out of the conversation if you really got down to the best horror directors of all-time. Hoopers career is one of the strangest in all of horror partly because he did make some okay movies. I’ve been a Hooper critic for a long time, but even I concede that stuff like Eaten Alive and Funhouse are, at the very least, ok movies. The problem is that Hooper also has so much filth. The Mangler is often cited as one of the worst movies of all time, let alone just horror. And the whole stink surrounding his actual involvement in Poltergeist clouds what would otherwise put him over the top. Just like Hephaestus, Hooper seems to be a character who is better at building the tools (ideas) and then letting other people use them for fame and fortune. Hephaestus certainly gets credit for making Achilles’ armor, but it was Achilles, not Hephaestus, who did the dirty work and thus, got the glory. And that’s sort of how I see Hooper. In and of himself, he’s nothing all that special. His oeuvre has been mostly down, but his impact on horror, such as the ideas, themes, and aesthetic he provided in many of his earlier films really set the stage for filmmakers to follow, and ultimately improve upon. They put on Hooper’s armor and slayed the beasts in a way Hooper himself never could after TCM. I’m a Hooper critic, but for that, Hooper deserves his place in the Pantheon. And that’s something not even I can argue

p.s. You know what I just realized? I’m not going to get this series done before my retirement

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Demeter – Mario Bava

Who is she? Demeter, also known as Ceres. The goddess of grain, fertility, and growth. Inventor of cereal. Controller of the seasons and thus the ability to kill all life on earth. This power was evidenced when her daughter Persephone was kidnapped by Hades and Demeter went on to plunge the earth into perpetual winter forcing Zeus to intervene before she massacred all life in her grief. Demeter is often pictured holding wheat, though her Mystery followers idolized corn.

What makes her badass? It can be argued that Demeter is the most important deity to humanity. Without crops we’d probably die out. Having the power to kill everything on earth is pretty rad. Kurt Cobain thanks you in the liner notes of In Utero. Bram Stoker also uses you as the name of a ship in Dracula. You’ve got the most badass cult in all of ancient Greece, The Eleusinian Mysteries, which heavily influenced a little known group called the Christians who adopted the promise of rewards in the afterlife,  the doctrine of transubstantiation (followers of Demeter were led into a darkened room where they believed an ear of corn became the flesh and blood of the goddess), and the idea that you are actually three seperate avatars of the same being.

On the other hand…. There is a pretty awful history of rape in your past whether it be Poseidon raping you or Hades raping your daughter. Though you are incredibly powerful there aren’t really a whole lot of stories about you. Granted, the ones that are there are famous, but really, most people don’t find you to be all that exciting. You ended up giving humanity winter, which many of us are still pissed off about. Fruity Pebbles is the sickest cereal ever devised and scores of children the world over hope you die for giving it to us.

Who is he? Mario Bava. Italian filmmaking virtuoso. Black Sunday, The Girl Who Knew Too Much. Planet of the Vampires. Bay of Blood. Kill Baby Kill. Lisa and the Devil. Black Sabbath. Baron Blood. And many more. Essentially created the template for the Giallo and Slasher sub genres and brought cinematic innovations to the Gothic genre.

What Makes him Badass? You were Roberto Rosselini’s cinematographer for a couple short films early in your career which left an indelible mark on you and would be the catalyst for incorporating neorealist techniques into the horror genre. You are credited with starting the Giallo genre with 1963′s The Girl Who Knew Too Much and thus kickstarting the career of a some guy named Dario. 1971′s Bay of Blood was the first modern Slasher film, predating Black Christmas by three years and beginning the conventions and archetypes that would be popularized in the late 70′s and 80′s. Gave the world Barbara Steele. Can also lay claim to starting the Italian Science Fiction film (The Day the Sky Exploded). Worshipped by Quentin Tarantino, John Carpenter, Martin Scorsese, Tim Burton, and Wes Craven.

On the other hand… Your good intentioned exploration of other genres, such as the western, the sex comedy, and dramas were usually failures of epic proportions. There are a lot of people who don’t think giving the world the Giallo genre was  necessarily a positive thing. Most of your films were unavailable to be seen and if so, they were, just like Demeter, raped by censors, distributors, and producers and have only recently begun to be circulated in the uncut, original versions you preferred. Meaning a long time went by before you were properly recognized.

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So why this goddess? If Demeter plants the seeds that bring life to the world, it can be argued that Mario Bava planted many of the seeds that brought life to the modern horror film. Whether it be the gothic imagery of Black Sunday, the kickstart to anthologies with Black Sabbath, the creation of entire sub genres (Giallo with The Girl Who Knew Too Much and Slasher with Bay of Blood), or the dreamlike surrealness of films like Kill Baby Kill (the room chase sequence is one of my favorite scenes in any horror film), Mario Bava is nothing if not the life giver to much of what the horror genre consists of today. And like Demeter with her Eleusinian Mysteries, the Bavian Mysteries were, for many years, a secret cult that were the only ones able to see the real power of this filmmaker. Lucky for us that we live in a time where his canon is no longer a mystery as most of his important films have been released uncensored in the past few years. So here is your corn cob, Mr. Bava. Welcome to the pantheon.

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Hermes – Val Lewton

Who is he? also known by his Roman equivalent, Mercury, Hermes is most popularly known as the messenger of the gods, though that wasn’t his original duty. Originally, he was the god of thieves and protector of the more unsavory elements of humanity.  He was also the god of boundaries  and the most clever trickster of all the gods. Eventually, he took on the duties of Iris (who later became the goddess of the rainbow) and became the messenger god we recognize him as today. Hermes has wings on his hat and sandals, carries a caduceus and is mentioned in Greek mythology more than any other god, including Zeus.  He’s also notable for inventing fire and the lyre as well as escorting the dead to Hades.

What makes him badass? Before you were even a day old you stole Apollo’s cattle. That’s pretty badass. You bang Aphrodite a lot. You are faster than The Flash and you have some bitchin’ wings on your sandals. Since you are the go between for all the gods, you get to show up in almost every major mythological story.  You turn people into bats. Fire is pretty cool. Delivering Pandora to us.

On the other hand…. Being the god that protects liars, thieves, and generally all around bad people doesn’t ingratiate yourself to the honest section of the citizenry. Being known primarily as an errand boy is pretty sucky. Your kids aren’t, shall we say, the most distinguished beings in the Greek Mythology and most, like Hermaphroditus and Pan, are regularly used as comic relief. Delivering Pandora to us.

Who is he? Vladimir Ivan Leventon, better known as Val Lewton. Prolific producer of RKO horror films in the 1940′s such as Cat People, I Walked With a Zombie, The Body Snatcher, Isle of the Dead, and Bedlam. One of the most important and influential horror filmmakers of all time.

What Makes him Badass? Officially our only “non-director” in the pantheon, Lewton single handedly saved the horror genre from complete annihalation and self-parody in the 1940′s after Universal gave up trying to make their monsters scary. A pioneer of independent horror cinema, Lewton worked with no budgets and, just like the Arkoff and Corman in the 50′s and 60′s, usually had to create a film around the title of a movie from scratch. Did I mention that all of his films are at least good and often brilliant? Lewton also invented the “jump scare”, incorporated overt sexual themes into horror, and single handedly revived Boris Karloff’s flagging career, which might have ended if not for Lewton. The first real “jack-of-all-trades” in horror, Lewton was intimately involved in the casting, set design, production, direction, and writing of all his movies. Gave the horror genre Jacques Tourneur and Robert Wise. After decades of obscurity, Lewton is finally starting to get the praise he deserves from horror fans.

On the other hand… A heart attack kills you at age 46 because of all the stress you put on yourself to churn out awesome horror movies on $2 budgets. No horror fan knew your name 10 years ago.

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So why this god? I’ve been singing Val Lewton’s praises for years and I’m glad he’s finally starting to get recognized as one of the great founding father’s of horror. If we think of Hermes primarily as the “messenger god”, I think Lewton represents that aspect well because nearly all horror movie today owe a debt to the visuals, themes, and cinematic inventions created by Lewton. The horror concept that “what you don’t see is more frightening than what you do” is all Val Lewton as it was an economic necessity for him. The fact that he pulled it off and showed that horror didn’t have to have a werewolf, mummy, or vampire running around all the time to be effective changed the genre forever. And like Hermes with fire and the lyre, Lewton invented a staple of the horror genre, the “jump scare”. Hermes turns people into bats. Lewton turns them into cats. And like Hermes helping Perseus fight Medusa, Lewton helped another horror hero, Boris Karloff, fight the failing film career. Val Lewton’s contributions to horror cannot be overstated. They might fly by on the screen so fast that you don’t even see them, but they are there, and for that, he belongs in the pantheon.

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Dionysus – Sam Raimi

Who is he? The Deejay of the gods. Dionysus is the god of wine, partying, drunkenness, ecstasy, and madness. Whenever and wherever Dionysus is, you can bet that good, and often dangerous, times are ahead. Traditionally thought to be the “youngest” god, by both ancient and modern scholars, recent evidence suggests that he’s actually one of the oldest. Therefore, people have been praying to get drunk for longer than even the ancients thought! Dionysus is mainly associated with ivy/grapes and carries a pine cone topped thyrsus while being totally into theatre.

What makes him badass? You’re the god of wine, what do you think? You make people drunk and horny. You’ve got your own retinue of hot, sexually carnivorous female followers called Maenad’s. Because of your unique origin story, of birth and rebirth, the allusions that you like turning water into wine, and the fact that your harem…er..retinue of hot women believed in drinking your blood and eating your flesh,  you bear some striking resemblances to a certain popular Jewish prophet. Also, pine cones kick ass.

On the other hand…. Those hot women that follow you around and do all sort of sexual stuff? They also have the bad habit of ripping people to shreds and eating them. Especially people you like. Just ask Orpheus. Because traditionally you were seen as not truly “Greek” due to the fact that you spent so much of your life in Asia, you don’t really have that connection with the people that other gods such as Apollo and Heracles have. When you get pissed, you’re really pissed. Hades hath no fury like a Dionysus scorned. Just ask the King Lycurgus.

Who is he? Samuel Marshall Raimi. The youngest director in the pantheon.  Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, Army of Darkness, Darkman, A Simple Plan, and The Gift.

What Makes him Badass? The Evil Dead trilogy is matched in horror greatness only by Romero’s in terms of success, popularity, and “untouchableness”. His unique, experimental filmmaking style consisting of creative shot selection, zooming cameras, and general manic visual pizazz was incredibly influential on an entire generation of filmmakers and ushered in an era of fun to the horror genre with 1981′s The Evil Dead that effectively killed the heady, often overly serious tone of important horror films of the 70′s. Able to switch styles with ease, such as with A Simple Plan, and lead major hollywood blockbusters like Spider-Man. Your best friend is Bruce Campbell ,your brother is Ted Raimi, and your partners in crime are Joel and Ethan Coen. Crimewave.

On the other hand… For Love of the Game. The Quick and the Dead. Your reputation took a major hit after Spider-Man 3. Though you haven’t directed a true horror film in many years, your genre production company, Ghost House Pictures, has been at best uneven and at worst horrible, giving some fans pause as to whether or not you’ve “lost it”. All that talk about greenlighting an Evil Dead remake didn’t ingratiate you to the fans, either.

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So why this god? Dionysus was the only god that gave me trouble in picking his directorial equivalent. Being the “youngest” god, I wanted a name from the 80′s onward that represented the best of the “younger” generation. Many names came to mind. Do I go with Stuart Gordon? Do I think outside the box and go with somebody like Dan O’Bannon? Maybe a Peter Jackson? How bout really new school and toss in a dark horse like Brad Anderson? God forbid, Eli Roth? In the end it came down to the simple reason that Sam Raimi opened the doors for all of these guys. A lot of people forget that when Evil Dead came out in 1981, it was pretty revolutionary for its time. It really changed the tone, atmosphere, humor, gore and direction that horror would take for the next decade, influencing all of the filmmakers mentioned earlier (with the exception of Brad Anderson, but that was a case of  “he ain’t ready quite yet”) as well as thousands of shitty filmmakers like myself who grew up idolizing his  style. In effect, Raimi was H.G. Lewis, only good. Raimi’s unique sense of “let’s stop being so damn serious and just have some f*cking fun with our horror” echoes what Dionysus is all about. Creativity and fun are his hallmarks (haven’t even mentioned all of his TV stuff, like Hercules, Xena, American Gothic, that are, primarily, fun) and like Dionysus, his visual style is manic craziness that drives fans wild. Everybody is waiting to see if Drag Me To Hell will be his triumphant “rebirth” or if he is going to flame out the way Romero, Carpenter, and Hooper have, but one thing is for sure, horror history would have been much different without Sam Raimi leading the charge to change and for that, he is our Dionysus.

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Hestia – Nobuo Nakagawa

Who is she? The goddess of the hearth. Hestia keeps the fire going… and that’s pretty much it.

What makes her badass? Every single person worships you because fire is pretty important and thus,  eating. One of the only gods in history that is immune to Aphrodite’s lustful magic. You think the other gods are petty and retarded and would much rather have nothing to do with them than deal with their shit.

On the other hand…. Nobody knows who you are anymore.  Because all you do every day is sit in front of a fire to make sure it doesn’t go out, you have the worst social life of any deity. There are no cool stories about you and you voluntarily gave up your spot on Olympus for a drunkard, meaning you don’t even get to hang out with your brothers and sisters. Because of that, you’re the most forgotten god, but you like it that way.

Who is he? Nobuo Nakagawa. The greatest horror director you’ve never heard of: The Ghosts of Kasane Swamp (1957), The Lady Vampire (1959), The Ghost of Yatsuya (1959), Jigoku (1960), Snake Woman’s Curse (1968)

What Makes him Badass? Nakagawa’s influence on the look, atmosphere, and style of Asian horror, particluarly Japanese horror, is the most underappreciated thing ever. Everyone from Masaki Kobayashi to Hideo Nakata to Takashi Miike owe a debt to Nakagawa (or royalty payments to his estate) because Asian horror cinema, effectively, begins with Nakagawa. Considering how popular Asian horror is, that’s quite a legacy to lay claim to….

On the other hand… or maybe not. Possibly one of the gravest injustices in horror is the fact that only 12 people know his name and of those 12, only 3.8 appreciate his contribution to the genre. Much like Hestia, he is the great horror god that is forgotten about. His films aren’t as sexy as the other filmmakers on this list, which is probably why nobody remembers him. Nakagawa is destined to be underappreciated, sitting by himself with his ghostly folk tales.

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So why this god? You’re going to see a, what I think anyway, is a terrible fact of the horror genre: the lack of great women filmmakers. There are definitely some quality female filmmakers around, but the sad reality is that the horror genre is a genre dominated by men, made by men, and much too often designed for men. Thus, the female goddesses on this list are all going to have males attached to them for the simple fact that there just aren’t female horror filmmakers that are in the same league or category as the males on this list. It’s unfortunate but that’s the reality. Nakagawa fits Hestia almost perfectly precisely because Hestia is the goddess nobody can ever remember when they are naming the 12 Olympians and Nakagawa is the director nobody can remember when they are making a “best” list. Though many of his horror films are certainly not amazing works, the conventions he established 50 years ago are still employed liberally by the Asian films and filmmakers out today. Frankly, there would be no Asian horror cinema as we have come to know it without Nakagawa, which makes his disappearance from the ranks of the greats all the more sad. But he is honored here! Jigoku is, undoubtedly, his masterpiece and demands to be seen by any self-described fan of horror, Asian or otherwise.

Next up, we finally begin the count down of the 12 Olympians that are generally accepted by the pop culture: Zeus, Hera, Ares, Athena, Hephaistos, Poseidon, Artemis, Aphrodite, Demeter, Apollo, Hermes, and Dionysus.

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Heracles – Roger Corman

Who is he? Because of the Romans, most people in the west know him better as Hercules. The greatest of all Greek heroes, Heracles is most famous for his 12 Labors which generally involved him kicking monster ass. Whereas the Olympian gods and goddesses were seen as divorced spiritually from the Greeks, Heracles was seen as the populist hero of the people and the common Greek citizen revered him as one of their own since he was not, technically, a god but half human. You might be asking “Why the hell are you including Heracles in the Pantheon if he isn’t a god?” Ah! Precisely because, upon his death, the gods brought him to Mt. Olympus to live out the rest of his days as, you guessed it, a god.

What makes him badass? Pretty much everything. Aside from the fact that you are so freaking awesome that the Olympians are like “We’re gonna make you one of us”, you also get the benefit of being an international icon 2500 years later. Your exploits, such as killing the hydra, are literally the stuff legends are made of people everywhere still love and worship you. Even the Egyptians made temples for you.  Not only do you have an insane sex drive, but you’re pretty much the Johnny Depp of the ancient world meaning anybody you want will bow to your every whim and desire with gusto. The continuing royalty payments from Kevin Sorbo, Disney, and every other company on earth that uses your image and likeness makes you richer than daddy Zeus.

On the other hand…. Hera hates you, like the time she drove you insane and made you slaughter your children, and is constantly plotting your demise. Your “Pound with fists first, ask questions afterward” approach doesn’t always lead to the best outcomes. With great sexual prowess comes a great many problems, namely: temptation, children, and chaffing. Am I right fellas?

Who is he? Roger Corman. Arguably the most important person in the history of independent horror, sci-fi, and exploitation cinema. Single handedly turned low budget filmmaking into an art form. Directed and/or Produced hundreds of horror and sci-fi films by expanding and improving upon Sam Z. Arkoff’s low budget formula. A pioneer in everything from nudity to violence to civil rights to special fx to artistic control of films to production design to (insert label here). Has influenced an incalculable number of films and filmmakers over the past 40 years and continues as a prolific producer to this day.

What Makes him Badass? He’s Roger Corman. A Bucket of Blood, Little Shop of Horrors, Death Race 2000, the Poe adaptations, The Intruder, Women in Cages, among others. Not overly impressed by the canon? How about his ability to identfiy and cultivate talent? Francis Ford Coppola, Martin Scorsese, James Cameron, Joe Dante, Peter Bogdanovich, Jack Nicholson, Dennis Hopper, and so many more. Corman, like Heracles, is pretty much awesome in everything that he does. He even boasts that he’s never lost money on any film he has ever produced. Because of everything he has done for numerous genres, including horror, he’ll be  slurped/worshipped by the intellectual cineastes forever.

On the other hand… It can be argued convincingly that 94.89% of everything he has produced and/or directed is complete horeshit. Though a hero to low budget filmmakers everywhere and subsequently deified by people like Scorsese and Coppola, just like Heracles’ arc, Corman is incredibly underappreciated for his contributions outside of a small subset of film enthusiasts. Unlike Heracles, Corman will probably never be a household name.

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So why this god? Roger Corman is defined, like Heracles, by trials and tribulations. From personal experience, I’d argue that shooting a low budget movie is harder than slaying a hydra. And believe me, I slay hydras for fun on the weekends whereas I can only do a movie every few years. I also think that both are very similar in how they impacted their respective worlds. Corman was just a dude trying to make some movies. He had a very workmanlike attitude and people’s choice sort of charisma to him. He wasn’t a Hitchcock or a Polanski, attempting to make these high brow films for high brow audiences. Instead, he just went to battle everyday and eventually, his exploits and contributions elevated him to a higher status few people of his caliber get to receieve. Heracles was deified not because he was supposed to but because the people demanded it and the ancient writers gave them what they wanted. And like Heracles, Corman has left a legacy that continues unabated to this day. Every low budget filmmaker owes a debt to Roger Corman just like every Greek and Roman soldier that found courage in battle owed a debt to Heracles. And we as horror fans welcome Mr. Corman with open arms to the Pantheon. Because he’s totally badass.

Plus, you know it was good to be a director/producer of low budget movies in the 60′s. The fellas know I’m right on this one so I don’t even need to ask.

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Hades – George A. Romero

Who is he? Also known by his Greek name of Pluto, Hades was the  god of the underworld. He ruled the land of the dead and is the brother of Zeus and Poseidon. Not only did he watch over the dead but he also was the god of precious metals since they came out of the ground, where he was said to dwell. Hades rarely left the underworld, though on one famous occasion he kidnapped Persephone which ultimately led to us having winter.

What makes him badass? He wears a hat that makes him invisible. He’s gloomy and pissy; as would you if you got stuck ruling the land of the dead while your brothers get the sky and ocean. Then again, for horror fans, this is pretty much the most kickass place you could rule. And you get to humble Achilles, which is always nice. Your pet is a giant three-headed dog. You get to bang Persephone four months out of the year. Has a great garden of spectral Asphodel which, from what I’ve heard, there is one living in a box buried underneath the Abbot Library.

On the other hand…. Nobody worships you because nobody likes you. For the ancient Greeks, heading to Hades wasn’t a very popular option. Judaism and Christianity would later define Hades in better, and not so better, terms (Heaven, Hell, *cough*Purgatory*cough*), but really, there wasn’t a whole lot to like in Hades. Sure, heroes got to hang out in the Elysian Fields, but for you and me? We’ll just float around, wisp like; ghosts wandering around. Which explains why most people drank from the Lethe to cope with the awfulness of it. Oh, and you aren’t really an Olympian, no matter what Disney says. So no Mt. Olympus for you.

Who is he? George Andrew Romero. Acclaimed horror film director of such classics as Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, and Creepshow. Beloved icon. Single handedly brought the idea of the flesh eating undead zombie into the popular consciousness, making him, essentially, the god that gave us everything from Return of the Living Dead to Resident Evil to World War Z to (insert zombie media here).

What Makes him Badass? Aside from setting the “rules” for zombies in stone with what is the most beloved and iconic horror trilogy of all time (no, Land of the Dead doesn’t count). How about the fact that he looks like your grandpa and wears ridiculously oversized black glasses? He also was a major factor  in a little known fx artist named Tom Savini making it big. He has some quality non zombie output like Martin and The Crazies and Creepshow is the cat’s pajamas. But yeah, he made zombies what they are today and because he did it so perfectly, there’s been pretty much no innovation needed since. And zombies are still as popular as ever.

On the other hand… Knight Riders, Monkey Shines, The Dark Half, Land of the Dead. Outside of Creepshow, Grandpa Romero has been far less successful at creating watchable films. He’s also losing much of his original luster and sheen by the needless of the Dead sequels which threaten to water down his legacy and turn him into a laughingstock. He is past his prime and it is showing, unfortunately. Oh and he loses points for the most unispired top 10 movies of all-time list ever done by a director (google it sometime).

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So why this god? In most aspects, George Romero seems to be the antithesis of the greek deity Hades. Hades was always in a foul mood, whereas Romero is usually pretty upbeat and cheerful. Hades refused to let his dead escape while Romero is more than happy to let his dead roam the world and munch on the living. And those of you, like me, who are true sticklers for ancient history will rightfully point out that Hades was not one of the classically defined 12 Olympians and therefore not in the Pantheon because nobody intelligent wanted to worship the king of the dead. But this is my damn feature and I’ll do what I want! Plus, Hades being the brother of Zeus and Poseidon, it just feels right to include him in here. Romero has left one of the biggest imprints of anybody in the history of horror and because his whole shtick has been about the dead, Hades seems like the most logical deity to assign him. And when we eventually get to Zeus and Poseidon, an argument can certainly be made that he should be their rightful brother.

So pour a libation for George Romero: King of the Underworld.

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