Frederick Charles Krueger

Who He Is: Certifiable. Dude murdered a bunch of kids after experiencing his own traumatic childhood. Their parents, strangely enough, weren’t too happy about that and burned him to a crisp. Luckily, some dream demons bestowed upon him the power to butcher nubile teens in their sleep via, you guessed it, dreams. After becoming a pop culture icon, Krueger took to his new found celebrity by becoming a really bad comic, often attempting excruciating one-liners on his victims who were more than happy to be killed rather than listen to his “comedy”. Recently, he’s been seen slumming around with Jason Voorhees and living off the royalties of his capitalist ventures in the 80’s…mostly from his Fright Squirter.

What He likes: Fedoras. Christmas colored sweaters. Razor fingered gloves. Videogames. One-liners. Wes Craven. Anybody who lives on Elm Street, preferably between the ages of 15-21. Souls.

What He Doesn’t Like: The Real World, both the show and physical reality. Church. The parents of the Elm Street kids. Hypnocil. Having a burned face.

Freddy Krueger boasts, literally if you ask him, of being the most popular modern horror icon. With 8 films, a television series, and incalculable merchandise under his belt he is easily the wealthiest horror villain. It shows the dedication he has to his craft in that he never tires of slicing and dicing young teens who had nothing to do with his death rather than sit back and enjoy the spoils of retirement. Freddy is probably the most creative killer as well. I mean, who else do you know that would turn a victim into a paper comic book character and then cut him up? He also has an advantage in that everybody has to sleep eventually. If he doesn’t get you in the first movie, he’ll definitely get you in your sequel. Oh, and he can brag about killing Johnny Depp.

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Elliot Spencer

Who He Is: A British military Captain in WWI who freaked out at all the violence and decided to indulge in drugs, booze, and sadomasochistic sex. Eventually it led him to a French made puzzlebox (thanks, France!) that promised him untold pleasures if he solved it. Well he did, and it turned him into the guy to the right. Forgetting his human life, Pinhead now serves as the defacto head Cenobite and institutes extreme punishment on anybody who opens the puzzle box (well, most of them anyway).

What He likes: Pain. Pleasure. Blue lighting. Leather. More Pain. More pleasure. More blue lighting. Nonsensical monologues about pain and pleasure. Scary voice modulaters. Chains. Doing nothing.

What He Doesn’t Like: Rick Bota. Kirsty Cotton. Channard. The Diamond Configuration. Rick Bota. Rick Bota.

Pinhead has a couple things going for him. First, he looks badass. If anybody can make blood, leather, and a head full of nails look good, it’s him. Secondly, he sort of kinda has free reign over hell and the other Cenobites and as such can torture you in any way he wants. Flesh ripped apart via hooked chains? Done. Placed in your own personal hell you must live over and over again? No problem. In fact, he’s sort of like Freddy in that he has access to his own dimension and can do whatever he wants. One problem with Pinhead is that he’s basically the Clint Howard of his own franchise. He rarely gets to star and only shows up for about 38 seconds in each movie. Just enough time for everyone to be like “Cool, it’s Pinhead!” before falling asleep. Still, 90% of being a sweet horror villain is looking the part and Pinhead is aces in that respect.

The Battle!

Does anyone remember a few years back the proposed Michael Myers vs. Pinhead film? Who the hell would want to watch that? A far more interesting matchup would be Freddy vs. Pinhead. Both are incredibly powerful, both enjoy torturing with sharp pointy objects, and both control their own “realms” (the dreamworld and hell, respectively). So how does this go down? Read on…

After Jason Voorhees kicks Freddy’s severed head into Crystal Lake, Freddy slowly makes his way towards the pier and his severed body parts. With a little help from those friendly dream demons, he reconstitutes himself wherein he immediately goes back and re-drowns Jason now that there is no big breasted teen to meddle in his affairs. Realizing that he can now co-exist in the real world and the dream world, he takes a vacation to England where he comes upon a strange homeless man who offers him the puzzlebox. Once solved, Pinhead and his Cenobites show up. Pinhead declares that Freddy must “COME WITH US!” to which Freddy quips, “You’re a pin in the ass”. The battle commences. Freddy tries to physically beat Pinhead down, which isn’t too hard since he just stands around. Pinhead responds by shooting chains from the shadows to hold Freddy in place. Frustrated, Freddy attempts to enter the dreamworld only to discover that Cenobites don’t sleep. Shit. Pinhead walks over and turns Freddy’s physical self into a Cenobite. That fedora’s now leather, baby! At the complete control of Pinhead, Freddy now must either serve him as a Cenobite in hell, or go to the dream world, in which Pinhead has now manipulated it to be his own personal hell: replaying his death by parental torching over and over again.

Pinhead wins by sleepless default!

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Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment in support of your fighter.

p.s. If you guys would like to see more of these kinds of fun matchups, give me some feedback. If you think this is the work of a nerd with far too much time on his hands, well, tell me that as well

Filed under: Monster Battle Royale | 5 Comments »

The Stuff

What It Is: A delicious, gelatinous gloop that bubbles up from the center of the earth and turns whoever eats it into mindless zombies.

What It likes: Capitalism. People who eat it.

What It Doesn’t Like: Suspicious kids. Ice Cream CEO’s. Paul Sorvino.

The Stuff is a much more savvy and sneakier menace to humanity. Rather than go the “brute strength” route, The Stuff’s goal is to slowly and unsuspectingly enslave the human race through seemingly innocent means: as a delicious snack. In fact, one could argue that The Stuff didn’t become truly evil until it got into the hands of greedy capitalists, but hey, it’s not how you start the race, but how you finish The Stuff just wants peace and quiet. If it weren’t for some meddling humans, it would be perfectly happy to live in the bodies of mindless human carcasses. Though it prefers a peaceful takeover, when pissed off, The Stuff can unleash some gooey hell. Just ask Chocolate Chip Charlie.

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The Blob

What It Is: An apparently not so delicious gelatinous gloop that crash lands in a meteorite from the center of our galaxy to eat.

What It likes: Old men with sticks. Eating. Growing. Eating people trapped in small places. A crazy ass reverend that keeps it in a jar .

What It Doesn’t Like: Steve McQueen. Cold temperatures.

The Blob is like a fat guy at a buffet bar. It doesn’t care what people think of it. All it wants to do is keep eating and expanding. The Blob isn’t articulate or caring enough to negotiate and exploit the subtle nuances and minutiae of the American capitalist corporate machine. If The Stuff is the brain, The Blob is the muscle…or so much as a gooey, gelatinous mass can be. The Blob has shown that it can be quite dexterous and agile when it needs to be; moving at surprising speed. As it gains mass, it becomes far more difficult to defeat and it has a habit of really grossing out the people who see it and the people it eats.

The Battle!

Unfortunately for The Blob, being stupid is its biggest hindrance. The Stuff is nothing if not intelligent and calculating. Once The Stuff had complete control over the minds of humanity, it would immediately realize that The Blob was just a pile of really pissed off Jello. If it had the time it would probably send millions of mindless capitalist workers to turn the Grand Canyon into some sort of deep freeze and lead the The Blob into it with a package of hot dogs, or Kevin Dillon. But since The Blob can grow at an exponential rate, The Stuff probably wouldn’t have time to do that. Instead, it would either “Do What the Humans Do!” and blow fire extinguishers on it or laugh hysterically at it as it blows some snow machines into it. Of course, Global Warming would eventually unleash The Blob again, in which case The Blob would eat some of The Stuff and immediately become packaged, marketed, and sold as a delicious new treat named Blob-O.

The Stuff wins!

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Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment in support of your fighter.

p.s. If you guys would like to see more of these kinds of fun matchups, give me some feedback. If you think this is the work of a nerd with far too much time on his hands, well, tell me that as well

Filed under: Fun Stuff, Monster Battle Royale | 6 Comments »