Seven pampered teenagers hit the road for a weekend of camping, but a car accident leaves them stranded in the haunted Decamp Woods. And things go from bad to gruesome when a psycho killer begins slaying the friends one by one. Serving up plenty of blood and guts with a side of laughs, this slapstick slasher spoof stars Mike Hart, Jonathon Scott, Thomas Martwick, Christine Paterson and Bethany La Voo. -Netflix synopsis

18 seconds in: A Tromette named Ataria (or something) is pimping the “digitally remastered director’s cut” while licking and fondling herself. She also claims the film was shot with the same camera that created The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Goodie.

2 min: This is going to be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Already: loud rock soundrack. Dude skipping through a forest shooting screaming backpackers. Girl gets leg caught in bear trap, pulls out a machete, and hacks her leg off. Then gets her hand caught and lops that off as well, all while screaming “Are you serious?!” Glorious.

9 min: Is that Jeff reading a Punisher comic?

20 min: Vince the Stereotypical Black Character wanders off by himself to find help. The Skipping Slasher purposely steps in his own trap and now hangs upside down from a rope on a tree. Just got out his Swiss Army Knife scissors…Vince continues to run…

28 min: stirring drinks with a vibrator. A novel idea.

30 min: Disgustingly creepy transvestite just put his cigarette out in his drink, pulled out an ice cube, licked it seductively, rubbed it all over his Sasquatch chest, stuck it in his mouth, sucked on it, spit it back out into his drink and made the googly eyes at Vince. Run, Vince, run! Cue the fire wipe transition!

43 min: Slasher attack! The killer is dressed as a hunter and he’s got some sort of beekeeper’s  mask on. After failing to kill a character by slicing his throat (they then duct taped him, thus making him all better) he attempts again by lopping off the arm of a girl. She then proceeds to beat him with her own severed arm and runs away. If you’re keeping track at a home, we’re now 45 minutes into the movie and there have been no kills (aside from the intro) and an attempted sex scene with no nudity. Not even the Tromette at the beginning showed nipple. This movie can go screw itself.

47 min: Hunter shoves a beer tap into a dudes stomach and then “fishes” for a chick who is running away. He’s got the strongest fishing line ever as he hooks the chick by her mouth and reels her in. Oh, and fugly transvestite is still playing around with Vince. Take notice slasher fans: yet another slasher where the black guy doesn’t die first.

65 min: If I don’t make it to the end of the film, it’s because I slit my own throat. Purposely.

70 min: “I can snap your neck like the hip of an 85 year old nun.”

75 min: The first of our 7 characters dies via decapitation. You read that right. It takes 75 minutes for any of these people to be killed. Travel agent is the killer. Yeah, I just spoiled this garbage for you.

87 min: Transvestite kills our slasher with a six shooter. Wants to “ride” our lone survivor, Vince the Stereotypical Black Character. The end.

This movie is painful to watch. It’s a Troma film done by people who are trying to ape Troma’s style, and doing it poorly. On the brightside, if you watch this film and end up liking it, you’ll know you are a douchebag.

A gore fest from France, this chiller combines horror, sex and environmental disaster. Deadly waste contaminates the milk supply in a small town, and the tainted milk kills three teenage girls who drink it. When more chemical waste accidentally falls on their graves, the girls’ corpses rise from the dead. Now, the zombie sexpots are determined to destroy those responsible for the corrupted milk — along with anyone who gets in the way.

Sounds great! And off we go!

3 min: Flick starts off with a blonde hitchhiker who sprained her knee getting picked up by a truck driver who then takes her to what looks like a wizard’s castle. He then fondles her knee to “make the pain go away”. Now some motorcycle dude is pouring orange juice inside the truck container…

5 min: Hello titties! Ugly French girl is sitting at the kitchen table wearing practically nothing and talking to what looks like her ugly mom. Oops. she just drank some milk and died. Just like that, we cut to her funeral.  Weird…

10min: “Those people are DEAD! What the F*ck is danger to you, HIROSHIMA?!!!!” classy, France. Classy.

18min: Full frontal nudity alert! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Attention Sleepy Cast: what the hell is the Cambodian Wheelbarrow?! There is a frame going on where these two women are going to film this businessman in a compromising situation. He’s just been knocked out with a sleeping pill and the older woman told the hooker to do “everything you know to do with a man” to which the hooker incredulously replies “Even the Cambodian Wheelbarrow”? I must know what this is. Hopefully the movie will explain…

24min: Zombie Alert! These re-animated girls definitely don’t look like “sexpots”. Wait, you mean a horror synopsis is littered with false advertising? No way!

27min: The zombies break into a house, rip a woman’s clothes off, and then a zombie stabs her in the eye with her high heels.

34min: I have no idea what the hell is happening in this movie. Some corporation is trying to cover up their toxic waste. The secretary wants to screw the chemist. The chemist is screwing his boss’s wife. The zombie girls have disappeared. This movies sucks.

42min: A zombie just bit off a penis. It was very obviously a hot dog.

45min: the secretary finally shows the goods and goes full frontal, sex and shower. If you close your eyes, spin around 100 times, and then open them…she’s sorta attractive. Oh, zombie girls hide in a swimming pool and then kill a guy as secretary showers, oblivious to his screams.

56min: This movie is so booooooorrrrrrriiiiiiinnnnnnggggggg. There has been barely any zombies in this movie. Only a couple scenes. Hardly any gore. It’s mostly just a corporate suspense thriller full of sex-tape blackmail and intrigue. God damn you France. Damn you….

61min: zombie girls gag a prostitute, throw her on a bed, cut her clothes off with a sword (!)…then they strip off all of their clothes and start rubbinger her down. Lesbian zombie sex. Hot!

63min: Zombie just shoved the sword right up the whore’s vagina. Not hot.

66min: What the hell happened? The movie just started getting interesting. So this dude who got the chemical on his hand, which has been deteriorating throughout the film, places his crazy ass pregnant wife into the shower. Obligatory pregnant shower scene…then she looks down and there is a hole in her stomach. She starts screaming while caressing her dead baby as blood flows everywhere. The chemical on her husband’s hand apparently ate through her stomach (and unborn child)

73min: What? Calling this an abrupt ending would be an understatement. The secretary makes off with the casH (don’t ask, it’s complicated). The zombies, who have been hanging out in church, kill the original dude who poured the orange juice into the milk truck. Then they catch a cab (really), swerve from a police roadblock and flip out. Then a guy tosses a molotav cocktail into the car where it bursts into flames, killing the secretary and all of the zombies. The end.

French horror films: sorta makes you nostalgic for those Nazis.

*ba-dum CHING!*

It’s been a long and arduous journey for lawyer Will Spanner, whose sideline job has him doing battle with ghoulish creatures of the night. But his enemies have saved their best salvo for last, as they force him to face his toughest nemesis on what can only be dubbed Judgment Day. Is Spanner up to the gruesome task? Or is a mere human like him unable to stop the forces of evil?

Sign me up! No more talk. Give me some Spanner action! That didn’t come out right….

3 min: it took 3 minutes to get to the titties! remarkable… wo-ho! and bush!

4 min: the vampire is seductively using a straw to drip milk all over this chicks nipples. This is some hot shit

6 min: worst pair of vampire teeth I’ve ever seen. It looks like the filmmakers picked them up out of a quarter vending machine at a super market. Random shot of a snake coiling around a cross necklace…cut to Will Spanner, looking concerned…

9 min: HELLO. Full frontal and outta the shower…as a mysterious eye watches through a crack in the wall…(turns out it is a telescope)

12 min: wait…she’s rubbing a police light on his crotch….As the police close in, we get a random crazy blue tinted sex scene. These are the slowest police ever.

19 min: How can Will Spanner of all people not know that that odd bite markon the dead-then-alive girl’s neck is a vampire bite? A character just said “It could be a killer bee bite. I hear they’ve made it up this far”. Ah to relive the 90′s again

22 min: slow motion bare ass montage! Eisenstein would have been proud

24 min: Thus begins another sex scene. A couple things..one: the director has a fetish for extreme female ass crack closeups. Two: women with fake breasts are NOT attractive. Play with what your momma gave ya, ladies

29 min: In best Wayne Brady voice: “Is Will Spanner gonna have to stake a bitch?”

40 min: So get this. Spanner comes home to a wife who suspects him of cheating and freaks out on him. He throws her ass down and then goes to his mother’s grave where he then smashes mud all over his face and yells out “GIVE ME THE STRENGTH!!!!” in the most melodramatic, poorly overacted scene you will ever see. And in typical Spanner style, he then comes home and boinks his old lady. Will Spanner: The definition of cool (he’s tickling her nipples with his tie! How badass is that!)

45 min: Ok, another sex scene in a car with a chick whose implants look like 2 softballs attached to her chest. She’s banging the head vampire dude and I don’t know why, but now she’s suspended above some fire with a naked dude laying next to her with a snake on his chest. Anyways, turns out the lead vampire is going to get all the blood in the city…or something. I’m still wrapping my brain around that tie nipple tickle (oooh…say that 3 times fast) move. I’ve gotta try that…

56 min: Spanner is doinkin his wife again. In slow motion this time as her hair blows in the wind (even though they are inside his house with the windows shut)

62 min: greatest interaction in the history of movies:

Lead Vampire: I have a feeling about those policemen who were here yesterday..

Servant: what is your feeling, sire?

Lead Vampire: Like a schoolboy, in the throes of his first hormonal surge, their suspicions have been aroused to the point where they cannot pull out.

Greatest. Line. Ever.

65 min: S&M! Samurai sword decapitation! More sex!

67 min: Oh no! the lead vampire, in the form of a rubber hand puppet bat has just materialized in Spanner’s bedroom and is groping the shit out of his sleeping wife’s breasts! Oh my god he just bit her and she’s rubbing the blood on her self and masturbating!!!!

71 min: “he’s a major fundraiser for the Republican party”- this describes the dude being dominated by the S&M hooker.

82 min: Spanner squares off against Dracula who morphs into a terrible mid 90′s low budget CGI bat/hand puppet combo. He flies around Spanner in a circle a few times before he gets knocked into a wall. He then turns back into Fabio-lite and goes Ninja on Spanner’s ass. They fight over the stake, which Spanner stabs Dracula with. Spanner also is stabbed in the process. Lamest fight ever.

88 min: Spanner is dead. Dracula shows up to get his wife. She re-shoves the stake into his heart, killing him. The end.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say “I don’t recommend this movie”. Until next time…

Industrial metal band Gothic Vampires from Hell is just starting out in the business. In their quest for a recording contract, they encounter Annastasia and Jasmine , the mysterious owners of Gotham Records. For the band, vampirism is a persona; for these two seductive beauties, it’s a way of life! The film’s soundtrack throbs with the biggest names in Goth music, including New Skin, Fear Cult and Razed in Black.

Sweet! I have no idea who any of those bands are, but I’m sure they are going to play some killer tunes! And away we go…

O min: Dude…the opening is all in terrible CG, skeletons dancing (!), and the title of the movie is actually Gothic Vampires From Hell: Battle of the Bands. I can’t wait!

2 min: Oh. My. God. There is going to be no way I can convey how ridiculous these actors look.

5 min: “Pretty good isn’t going to win the battle of the bands! I’d sell my soul to make it happen!” (oh, and the dude whose neck was just spewing gore…you could totally see the tube)

10 min: Edgar’s Ravens. That’s one of the band names. I’m serious.

15min: This movie is like a Marilyn Manson video as shot by 12 year olds. At least most of the girls are pretty hot, so it has that going for it.

17min: Jiggly boobs!

24 min: Vampire attack. I’m at a complete loss for words. This movie has to be seen to be believed.

30 min: ok. There are plenty of hot-to-partially hot women in this movie. None of them are getting naked and I don’t know why. The only nudity so far has been intercut footage of what looks like an actual goth bar of a fat chick getting spanked by a fat guy. It also looks like the director edited this turd with windows moviemaker as all of the music video cut scenes have retarded filters on them.

34 min: oh that’s just bullshit! sex scene, girl takes off her bra, cut away before we see her tits…Here comes another sex scene (intercut with shots from Nosferatu..what the hell?!) with the main vampiress…she doesn’t drop her top either. Unbelievable.

40 min: There hasn’t been a cymbal crash in this song, but the drummer is going wild on them! The plot has just been revealed. The vampiress and her two minions want to turn the lead singer of Gothic Vampires From Hell into their new Vampire master because he has a dreamy voice

45 min: wait, what? Out of nowhere, there is a nude CGI woman, engulfed in flames, dancing on the screen as a vampire chick licks her fangs seductively…i’m interested to see where this leads…

46 min: Oh GOD NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

48 min:MY EEEEYYYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

50 min: *MaT weeps in a corner*

55 min: So you know how I was saying that none of the hot girls were getting naked in this movie? Well in walks this fat goth chick and her 80 pound pair of titties. Off comes the top, cue nasty groping and MaT vomiting. Oh that’s not all, the hideous goth monstrosity then spreads her legs and starts rubbing herself before being eaten by the skinny one.

63 min: Did I mention that the screaming in this movie is dubbed with one of those electronic Halloween toys that you press a button on?

68 min: I don’t know how to describe what I just witnessed.  Speed cutting combined with CG blood bubbles…oh wait, they just found the “Old Master” in his pink coffin…gotta go!

71 min: Oh snap! She just went Mola Ram on that bitches heart!

75 min: To sum up, they won the battle of the bands and now the lead singer is the master vampire after double crossing the vampiress. And this movie wouldn’t be complete without ending on one last musical number, with a montage re-playing every death/blood/gore scene in the movie. That pads the running time, see? Oh..and the final shot is of the fat girl being whipped again.

Unbelievable.

You may be wondering why I’m watching this? Well, I’m uploading all 4 tapes of Outpost Doom scenes we shot this past weekend and I need something to kill my time. Tiki is from 2006 and is directed by Ron Ford, who seems to bathe in crappy horror projects (he’s got Witchcraft XI on his resume). I’m anticipating some really awful stop motion puppetry and boobies. Will I get what I demand? And away we go!

2 min: Crazy dude has stuffed a redhead inside a sack and duct taped her mouth shut. We find out that her father owns an evil corporate cruiseliner outfit that put him (the “little guy”) out of business to line his pockets with greed. It’s payback time!

4 min: Tiki man slices off the dude’s fingers. Suspiciously, there is plastic all over the floors just like The Grand Horror…

5 min: Eyeball gouged out, throat slit…body falls perfectly onto the plastic. I’m having ‘Nam like flashbacks…

10 min: “Untie my frickin hands! C’mon, I’m not goddamned Hannibal Lecter!”

14 min: How ironic. The main character is going to college to be an actress. Maybe the director was trying to give some not-so-subtle advice.

20 min: I don’t know how it’s possible, but I think I’d rather be watching The Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher…

22 min: Boobies! Courtesy of the nasty, manish lead actress

28 min: Theatre kids are all bonkers. Take it from me. If you’ve ever been around a group of pretentious theatre majors you’ll know what I’m talking about. Anyway, this film is all told in flashback via one of the actresses who is now in an asylum. They play a trick on Amy and get her to show up at her instructors house in the middle of the night, looking to score. Once everybody starts laughing at her, she has a seizure on his front lawn. Oh yeah, she had been cast in the lead role of Pygmalion…

40 min: The Tiki Man is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s literally just a piece of wood they are bouncing up and down. It didn’t even kill the last person. The guy just fell over on his own pitch fork.

41 min: They’ve got the Tiki Man attached to a wire and the actor is flailing around, acting like it is strangling him. This is some of the dumbest shit since 666 Demon Child

45 min: “Beads injected into her brain?!!!!! This sounds bad to me!!!!!”

53 min: Whoa! lesbian threesome out of nowhere! Only one girl takes off her top. lame.

56 min: Worst. Car off a cliff. Scene. Ever.

58 min: Tiki Man beats the big girl to death with her own shoes. Seriously.

68 min: Tiki Man ripps off the top of crazy girls’ skull. Then the main character wakes up from her coma, causing the Tiki Man to lose its power. Sigh…

76 min: Tiki Man scalps crazy girl. The End.

80 min: Catering by : Yo’ Dog Catering. Filmed on location in Spokane, Washington (that town must be proud)

Final Thoughts: Just an awful, awful movie. I’d rather have my wang puréed and then be forced to drink it then to ever watch this travesty of lost time ever again.

0 min: Old creepy dude photographs a half-naked chick in red hot pants while thinking to himself “She wants me to do it to her”. Christ, we aren’t even a minute into this crap!

2 min: Death by strangulation! The audio is dubbed, poorly. The girl sounds like a phone sex operator as she is being strangled. Not that I would know what a phone sex operator sounds like or anything…

4 min: Steckler’s directorial pseudonym for this movie: Wolfgang Schmidt

5 min: Playboy Alert! Marilyn Monroe pictorials filmed in loving detail

7 min: Titties! The woman’s apartment not only has a movie poster of Douglas Fairbanks’ The Thief of Baghdad on her wall, but also a giant hot dog. The set design is impeccable!

8 min: “Nice little shot of my BUTTAX!” seriously, that’s how she pronounced it. By the way, there is no actual dialog in this movie. It’s all voiceover and really awful dubbing in post production.

13 min: Awesome. The bookstore has a poster for Robert Lippert’s Last of the Wild Horses. Lippert was a prolific producer of horror in the 50′s and 60′s and made stuff like The Fly, The Last Man on Earth, and The Earth Dies Screaming. Classy!

14 min: Flick-O-Rama Arcade: Marital Aids, Color Film, Pinballs, 25 cent Movies (on the marquee)

17 min: The Skid Row Slasher strikes! Homeless man bleeds bright red paint from his throat!

20 min: even more movie posters on the walls for inexplicable reasons: Teenage Massage Parlor, Paranoia (I can’t tell, but I think it is for the 1969 Umberto Lenzi sex flick Orgasmo) and Teenage Hustler.

23 min: Titties! Random out of nowhere shower scene!

24 min: Girl dries off in a Kiss towel, then after the strangler snuffs her out with a pillow, we get a dramatic zoom in closeup on a Kiss record! Gene Simmons, what does it all mean????!!!!

32 min: First attractive woman in the entire film appears. Gets naked. Strangler’s motivation revealed: His wife Marcia cheated on him with a bunch of dudes, now he’s trying to find someone to replace her who is “pure”. Unfortunately, every girl he photographs gets buck ass naked and he kills them. Oh yeah, and the Slasher is the chick he likes who runs the bookstore.

42 min: Ginormous Titties during nude roller skating!

45 min: Slasher takes out another homeless man (that’s her modus operandi)

50 min: Dear lord, only 20 more minutes of this hell….

53 min: Disgusting 70′s titties and bush!

56 min: Even more titties!

59 min: The sexual tension between the Strangler and the Slasher rivals that of Bogie and Bergman!

71 min: Strangler kills Slasher but Slasher stabs Strangler.  Strangler makes it outside before falling dead in front of a Deep Throat poster as Steckler dramatically pans to a marquee of a porn theatre showing Deep Throat, Behind the Green Door, and The Devil In Miss Jones. The End.

Final Thoughts: I’m pretty sure this is the film God showed the Jews before they committed suicide en masse at Masada. I just saved you 71 minutes of your life. You can send any thank you notes to splattercast@deadlantern.com

23min: Linnea Quigley rubs her asscrack and her breasts while taking a shower. She looks like she’s really enjoying it.

25min: ACK! The wife has a total case of Reche Caldwell Eyes!

26min: “If she were a dog, I’d have her spade”

30min: mental note- if a man with a pumpkin for a head charges me, hold up a makeshift wooden cross and hit his ass with a scythe

31min: John Carradine stock footage alert! I wish I had DVD commentary to find out what movie the footage is from…if anyone knows, e-mail me.

33min: Carradine from a different movie resurrects Jack-O who proceeds to use his scythe on 2 necks and 1 face. He also gets this rad back lighting and fog that accompanies him everywhere he goes. Totally rad.

37min: Reche Caldwell Eyes!

40min: Cameron Mitchell sighting. You may remember him as Vance in The Toolbox Murders (1978)

42min: Brinke Stevens sighting. She’s playing an actress in a film they are watching on TV called “The Coven”

44min: Ok, the rich conservative couple who hate trick or treaters (“You want something from me, you pay for it!…Little Parasites”) are awesome.

48min: For the love of god woman, enough with the Reche Caldwell Eyes!

49min: This movie just taught me that since I’m a “bleeding heart liberal”, I am stealing Jeff’s air.

51min: It took nearly 20 minutes, but we finally have another death scene. Scythe to the belly crosscut with images of toast being cut up. How very Godardian.

53min: Death by toaster. Somebody remind me to slap Jeff the next time I see him.

56min: BOOBS!

59min: Earlier in the film, they mentioned that Jack-O takes peoples eyes. Before this movie is over I better see him rip the eyes out of the wife’s head. Is this chick a BEM, or something?

65min: Death by decapitation!

67min: Characters are dropping like flies now. Neck slice combined with extreme closeup of blurry Jack-O head and a beagle. Why is it taking so long for this movie to end? And why does Jack-O feel the need to walk up to people menacingly yet not kill them? He always walks away and waits another 10 minutes before offing anybody. It’s stupid.

72min: The family prophecy says only the 5th male descendant after the original destroyer of Jack-O can re-kill Jack-O. Somebody remind me to punch Jeff the next time I see him.

78min: Scythe to the gut!

80min: Jack-O blows up…or something like that. I was under the impression that it was the little kid who was the 5th male descendant, however it is his father that shoves Jack-O onto the wooden cross?

84min: The End. Video credit montage. Rebecca Wicks and her Reche Caldwell Eyes didn’t die and now I’m angry. This movie can go to hell.