5. 18 inch talking Ashley J. Williams Figure.

That’s right bitches. No apartment is complete without an Ash figure. And this one comes with a detachable metal hand which can be replaced by Ash’s mighty chainsaw of Deadite doom. Ash also sports his trusty shotgun and three action phrases.

“Well, hello Mr. Fancy-Pants.”

“Alright you primitive screw heads, listen up. See this? This…is my BOOMSTICK!”

“Groovy”.

Good stuff. And I know what you must be thinking right now. “If Ash is only #5 on the list, how badass must the rest of Steve’s stuff be?” Read on…

4. Spooky.

The Thing What Squeaks! Spooky is chock full of greatness. It’s a little known fact that every time Spooky squeaks, he steals a soul. Commonly believed to be a dog chew toy, Spooky is the cutest little fat rubber skeleton toy you’ll ever see.

3. Generation 1 Ultra Magnus Transformer.

Sure he was pretty much Rodimus Prime’s bitch after the animated TF movie came out, but that doesn’t stop him from being full of awesome. Just think about it. If Magnus hadn’t saved shitty Hot Rod’s ass no less than 78 times in the film, then Rodimus may not have been around to light the Autobots’ darkest hour. Which means that the Earth would have been essentially fucked under Unicron/Galvatron’s rule and society as we know it may not have developed to the point where Bagel-Fuls could be easily produced. Speaking of which…

2. Bagel-Fuls.

A bagel. With cinnamon cream cheese. In Hot Pocket form? Holy shit! Where do I sign up? This is truly a lazy bachelor’s dream come true. A tasty cream cheese bagel with almost none of the work. What Bagel-Fuls lack in action phrases, they make up for in tastiness.

1. Green Power Ranger Toy.

That’s right bitches. Tommy Oliver. Before he was the black Dino Thunder Ranger, the Red Turbo Ranger, the Red Zeo Ranger, or the craptacular White Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger, he was the Green Ranger. Sure he may have lost his Sword of Evil during his first five-part origin arc, but he still had the Dragon Dagger. The Dragon Dagger doubled as a flute which allowed him to call the Dragon Zord, which was totally not a rip off of Mecha-Godzilla. Totally.

Well there you have it. The most bad ass things that I own. They easily surpass anything the rest of you could ever hope to have. As Bender would say, “compare you lives to mine and then kill yourselves.”

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5. Rick Deckard, Blade Runner

Was there anyone more badass in the 80’s than Harrison Ford? Well, Kurt Russell was more badass, but this is supposed to be about Han Solo…no wait, it’s about Indiana Jones…no wait, it’s about John Book…hold your crotch, it’s about Rick Deckard! Yes, the grizzled retiree who would like nothing more than to go to sleep after blowing away some Replicant ass…and tapping some as well. Deckard’s that bounty hunter who is pissed that he’s so awesome and keeps getting called up to save everyone’s ass. Though he’s lost a step or two in the disgusting cesspool that earth has become, he’ll still waste a Replicant and look badass doing it…speaking of ass, Deckard is currently tapping Sean Young in a little cottage in the countryside.

4. Brisco County, Jr., The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.

The one bounty hunter on this list who won’t shoot your ass just because. If this list were weighted for personality, Brisco would be in first place. Dude’s just awesome. In fact, you could argue that Brisco is the most talented of all the bounty hunters on this list. He just uses his mind (with some timely help from Comet) to kick everyone’s ass. Who needs to shoot 5 guys in a standoff when you can just drop to the ground and let them all shoot each other in the crossfire? Brisco can’t be stopped! I take that back. Fox killed Brisco when they canceled the show. Ah well. I’m sure somewhere, Brisco is laying around with Dixie trying to figure out what the hell The Orb is…and rounding up those other four Bly gang members.

3. Samus Aran, Metroid series

Now, I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time believing that a woman Nintendo says looks like this can fit inside that Power Suit. I mean, it’s got to have a special function just to counteract the gravitational pull on her massive digital breasts, right? You wouldn’t think it would be easy to fit all of that inside a suit and still be able to move around. Still, when you can turn yourself into a ball and roll around, maybe it doesn’t matter. The lone female on our list, Samus Aran faces down a lot of gross monsters that want to jump on he face…I don’t like where I’m going with this analogy so I’m going to stop. Samus has the unique status of being the star of a critically acclaimed video game franchise. Meaning you can play with her all day. Wait a minute…that didn’t come out right. Oh forget it…moving on…

2. Joe, Monco, Blondie, Sergio Leone’s Dollars Trilogy

I wonder what would happen if Brisco had to hunt down TMWNN? Clint Eastwood isn’t so much a bounty hunter as he is a bounty slaughterer. There is no such thing as “Dead or Alive”. It’s always “Dead”. I get this image of Bruce Campbell walking up, planning some really smart way to win the fight, only to be shot through the head and Clint saying something like “You left your smarts on the ground, son”. He’d then smoke a really thin cigarette, break the 4th wall, and demand a closeup of his face. Come to think of it, maybe Fox didn’t kill Brisco; maybe Clint did. In any event, this is just one guy you don’t want to come across next time you’re in a two horse town. Actually, I don’t really like the look Clint is giving me from the photo above, so I’m just going to slowly back up now…

1. Boba Fett, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi

Arguably the coolest character in anything ever. Boba Fett is the preeminent badass of bounty hunterdom. This guy will get you. You know you’re beyond cool when even Darth Vader respects you. In fact, I have inside sources within the Galactic Empire that have told me Vader often laments his decision to be Palpatine’s apprentice. He could have easily lived the Tatooine Dream with Padme by doing some part time bounty hunting for Jabba instead of being deep fat fried in some lava by his best friend. And for those of you who are not total nerds and are screaming “he gotten eaten by the mouth in the sand”, he got out. I’m not telling you how, go read the book. Anyway, Boba Fett is the bee’s knees and even though Jabba…er..I mean, George Lucas, tried to butcher the character by making him a clone and a whiny little bitch kid, his awesomeness runs so deep that it doesn’t matter to anybody. Boba Fett: Best. Bounty Hunter. Ever.

Disagree with the list? Did I leave someone out? post a comment and tell me how dumb I am!

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I don’t think I’ve seen enough new films this year to do a top (or bottom) 10.  I will say though that by far the two most disappointing films of the year were Transformers and Spidey 3.  That doesn’t mean they were the worst, just that what the were vs. what I had hoped for was a pretty lopsided battle.  Fido also get’s an honorable mention in this category.

 As far as the best movies go, Live Free or Die Hard and 30 Days of Night were tops for me as far as “big” movies go with the best low budget flicks being Flight of the Living Dead and For Sale by Owner.

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It’s that time. Everybody is coming out with their obligatory “Top 10″ list so I might as well be part of the crowd. There really wasn’t any specific criteria for my list other than these were the films that I really liked. I’m not trying to find the best movies, just the ones that I really enjoyed the most. And yes, it is possible for me to really like bad movies Without further ado…

Yes, I really liked this movie. For all of its faults, Spidey 3 managed to hit most of the right chords for me. I really liked the humor, action, and characters. Could it have been better? Sure. We reviewed this film back on Splattercast 29 and if I remember correctly, most of the guys were telling me how retarded it was for me to defend this movie. It could lose a plot or two (or three…), but that doesn’t diminish the fact that I had a real good time watching this.

Another summer blockbuster that really delivered for me. I was really expecting this movie to suck but when I came out of the theatre, I was all smiles. Although the title blows, the film had some great action set pieces (loved Willis battling that fighter jet!) and other than an obnoxiously out of place cameo by Kevin Smith, I dug the story. It didn’t hurt that Mary Elizabeth Winstead was in it. Some people lament the fact that John McClane has become basically a superhero and not an “average dude”. That doesn’t really bother me. I love the character and the crazier the scenario, the better as far as I’m concerned.

300 was an orgy of cool. This is like the total “guy” movie. Monsters, fighting, naked Spartan women, bloodshed, and crazy special effects. Zack Snyder mostly delivered on what I wanted to see and since I have a hard-on for not only the Battle of Thermopylae, but also the Classics in general, this flick hit the spot. I imagine this is what we at Deadlantern.com would do if we were threatened by another podcast. We’d take off our shirts, pick up our spears, and mow their asses down. We’d do that, right guys? Would that make Frank from the Sleepy Cast Xerxes?

Hatchet seems to be a love it or hate it film. I’m in the former category. We actually reviewed this for Splattercast #59 so you’ll hear more about my thoughts on the film soon. It’s full of great kills, acting, and characters. Perhaps the humor doesn’t balance with the horror as well as many might hope for, but I really dug everything about it. Surprising for me, since I usually hate anything that is hyped as being great.

My inner liberal finally shows! Whatever you may think about Michael Moore and his past films, Sicko is probably his finest two hours in more ways than one. First, he basically stops his “It’s George Bush’s fault” shtick and focuses on the issue rather than the political aspect of it. He also makes the wise decision to take himself out of most of the film and just focus on the people in our country screwed by the health “care” system. It’s a powerful piece of filmmaking. Unfortunately, nobody watched it. Which is sad because this is a far more interesting film than Fahrenheit 9/11. It’ll make you sad and pissed off.

I just caught this on DVD the other day and once again Cronenberg just floored me with his greatness. He’s probably one of the most least appreciated directors going right now. He’s like Midas, everything he touches turns to cinematic gold. All of the performances in the film are award worthy, especially Viggo, who seems to be trying his hardest to shed the Aragorn out of his life. David Cronenberg continues to make magic and Eastern Promises is his latest

Who says remakes suck? 3:10 to Yuma is proof positive that as long as you have a talented director and some great actors, you can do it. Christian Bale and Russell Crow are just spectacular in their roles and it’s always nice to see a big budget western back on the big screen. The ending is just killer and picture perfect. It’s everything you want in a western and I’m hoping it garners some awards later this year.

Normally, Danny Boyle isn’t someone I get excited about. I think Trainspotting is overrated, I despise The Beach, and 28 Days Later is good until the nonsense with the military dudes. However, Sunshine is just fantastic. The story centers around a group of scientists trying to restart our dying sun with a giant thermonuclear bomb. This is humanity’s last chance as the first mission mysteriously disappeared. Bad things start happening when they find the lost ship, which has reappeared mysteriously. Sunshine is Event Horizon only good. That may be blasphemy to a lot of people, and I don’t mean to say that EH sucks or anything (though it certainly hasn’t aged well), but Sunshine is a far more interesting film. As with most of Boyle’s films, the last act starts to fly apart, but the film as a whole is kickass.

Grindhouse came and went with a whimper more than likely bruising the egos of Tarantino and Rodriguez. I didn’t care for Planet Terror (tried way too hard to be cool) and though the trailers were funny, the only thing that really stuck out to me was Death Proof. I think we discussed this on a past Splattercast, but from the first shot of the film, you know you’re in the hands of a master filmmaker. Tarantino just runs loops around Rodriguez. A lot of the people hated the “boredom” and constant chick dialogue, but if you are one of those people, then you kinda missed the point of what the film was trying to do. Kurt Russell as Stuntman Mike is an instant cult icon and the second best villian of the year in cinema. This film also features Mary Elizabeth Winstead…

Very rarely does a film just totally blow me away. No Country For Old Men did just that. This is the kind of movie that makes people love cinema. It’s just so damn great on every level. All of the acting is perfect and Javier Bardem plays the scariest mo-fo to grace the silver screen in years. You can listen to us slurp this movie on Splattercast 56. If Bardem doesn’t win an Oscar for his performance then it will be one of the biggest travesties in Oscar history. This is also a film that forces you to think. After you leave the theatre, it’s images, story, and subtext will stay with you and that’s probably the highest compliment a film can ever get. The Coen Brothers finally stopped making shitty films and got back to their roots, let’s hope they stay there.

And there you have it, my favorite films of the past year. One honorable mention: The Prestige. Technically, this came out in 2006, but I didn’t see it until this past year when it was released on DVD. In terms of pure enjoyment, this would probably rival No Country. I didn’t include it in the list, but probably should have. It’s got a “Wow” factor that is hard to top. It would probably be #2 on my list if it were included.

Happy New Year!

Filed under: Commentary, Fun Stuff, Top 5... | 9 Comments »

I’ve seen a lot of truly terrible films in my life. So many that I’ve forgotten more than I can actually remember, which is probably a great thing otherwise I might be institutionalized by now. Anyways, here are the 5 lousiest films I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching that immediately spring to mind.

5. Demon Child: 666: The movie that was the immediate inspiration to make The Grand Horror. Steve, my friend Amy and I all watched this one night in Grand Island and I swear our lives have never been the same. This is such a god awful piece of trash. We couldn’t fathom how such a pile of steaming crap could find a distributor dumb enough to put their name on it and actually release it, let alone release it to a major chain like Blockbuster. Our goal was to make The Grand Horror better than this film (so much so that we namedrop it in the closing credits) and get our movie into Blockbuster just to prove we could. We made the superior film, but where the hell are you Lion’s Gate?

4. Curse of the Cannibal Confederates: Troma films are bad. That’s part of their whole shtick. Sure, they’re enjoyable enough, but no one can mistake them for quality. You know your movie really has to suck when Lloyd Kaufman calls it one of the worst in Troma’s library…and that library of suckitude is massive. I watched this at my friend Jeremy’s one weekend we had some down time from filming The Grand Horror (I just noticed a pattern starting to emerge here. All these atrocious films seem to have some connection to our film…). I was the only person watching it. I was also the only person sticking pins through my nipples in order to stay awake. Not that it mattered, because this movie is so poorly lit that you can’t see anything. On second thought, I just like sticking pins in my nipples…

3. Van Helsing: Oh. My. God. When I go to a theatre and plunk down seven bucks (maybe more, maybe less) I sit through the film. Afterall, I’ve spent that money, I might as well stick through to the end no matter how bad the film is. In fact, I never have any inkling to leave a theatre when I’m watching a bad movie. I know a lot of people get up and walk out on movies, but honestly, I’ve never had that feeling or desire, and couldn’t quite understand the phenomenon…until I watched this film. Watching Van Helsing felt as if, while sitting in my theatre seat, a giant dildo suddenly thrust up repeatedly into my unexpected ass. I felt completely violated while watching Stephen Sommers piss on everything I hold sacred in terms of Universal horror. I literally wanted to get up, leave, and demand my money back. I didn’t, cuz I just don’t do that, but now I know exactly what it feels like to want to.
2. Dead Clowns: If you want a full rundown of the glorious implosion that is Dead Clowns, click the link and listen to Splattercast 41. This film makes 666 Demon Child look like the Jesus Christ of horror movies. Steve Sessions should not be allowed near any camera ever again. I would trust Jeff’s 19 month old child to make a better horror film with a Sesame Street kids camera over Steve Sessions with the best cinematographer in Hollywood and a 100 million dollar budget. This is the most inept, piece of low-budget junk I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life. And it isn’t just me who thinks that. Everybody else thinks this as well. Dead Clowns is a blight on humanity, let alone cinema. It’s so awful that they’d have to rewrite the Geneva Conventions to include it as torture to view it. In fact, forget water-boarding, just play this on a continuous 24 hour loop at Guantanamo and we should be able to get all the information we need. This movie is disgusting.

1. Rob Shittie’s Halloween: Before I tear into this, I should point out that I hold John Carpenter’s to be a god amongst horror films. In fact, if I could, I’d build a temenos and worship it every single day. Now you might be saying “How can Zombie’s filmpossibly be worse than something like Dead Clowns?” I’ll tell you how: Dead Clowns has a built in excuse. It’s just the worst of many no-budget films. In ten years, nobody will ever know that it existed let alone watch it. Rob Zombie decided to not only remake a perfect film, but craft the worst remake of all-time. I don’t even think I have the words to describe how much I hate this movie. Every. Part. Of. It. It has the distinction of being the second film I’ve wanted to walk out on. And I would have this time (I was by myself, no girlfriend with me this time) if I hadn’t forced myself to stick through to the end in order to discuss it on the Splattercast. And you know what the sad thing is? In ten years, people are going to be watching this pile of feces instead of John Carpenter’s version. Rob Zombie single handedly destroyed the future audience for one of the greatest films ever made. Danielle Harris’ breasts cannot distract from the fact that this is the worst film ever created and the most unnecessary movie ever. And if I ever meet Rob Zombie, he’s going to hear about it.

Filed under: Fun Stuff, Top 5... | 10 Comments »

Like the other fellas, I’m going to list five of my favorite movies. Unlike them, I’m going to cop out and not rank them. It’s hard enough to choose just five, and then to rank them is even harder. Braden made a great comment, saying that if you asked him to rank his top five again at some other point in time, that his list might be different. I totally agree; if you ask me a year from now, or maybe even next week, to list my top five again, my list may very well be different.

Here are five of my favorites…

Evil Dead 2 (1987) - Too obvious? What can I say, ED2 is one of my all-time favorites. It stands up to repeat viewings better than many other horror movies because it’s just so damned much fun.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 (1987) - I remember seeing posters for ANOES3 at the theater in the Conestoga Mall when I was just a little kid (side note: could those ANOES posters possibly be any more awesome?) and I had an instant infatuation with this movie. You could argue that the first ANOES was scarier, but part 3 defined Freddy for me.

Hellraiser 2 (1988) - Sure, the first Hellraiser movie is ok, but the sequel far surpasses it. The skinless Julia lingering in the apartment is such an amazing image.

Event Horizon (1997) - I saw this in the theater with my girlfriend (now my wife) back when we were in high school, so there’s a bit of nostalgia. Beyond that, though, I think EH is the scariest melding of sci-fi and horror I’ve ever seen. Yes, even scarier than Alien.

Re-Animator (1985) - Is it a zombie movie? Is it a mad scientist movie? Is it a dark comedy? Is it a gore flick? It’s all of that and more. Jeffrey Combs creates one of the most memorable anti-heroes in all of moviedom with his portrayal of Dr. Herbert West.

So there are my five unranked favorites. Leave a comment, let me know what you think of my choices.

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If you were to ask me this question again in a year I’d probably end up giving you a different answer, but here it goes:

5. Friday the 13th

4. The Exorcist

3. Night of the Living Dead

2. The Ring

1. John Carpenter’s The Thing

Filed under: Movies, Top 5... | 2 Comments »

As was mentioned on the last Splattercast in regards to the Sleepy Cast asking for submissions for everyone’s 5 favorite horror films, it might be fun for all of us here at Deadlantern to post our favorite horror films leading up to Halloween. Understandably, it’s incredibly difficult to solidify 5, and only 5, films that we would consider our favorites. But in the interest of good fun, here’s my list:

5. The Last Man on Earth (1964): My favorite Vincent Price film and one of the most underappreciated and influential modern horror films of all-time in my opinion.

4. The Fly (1986): Cronenberg created the most horrifying love story I’ve ever seen. This movie still kicks my ass every time I watch it. No film has ever combined love and horror more grotesquely and effectively on screen.

3. The Mummy (1932): I love everything about this movie. It’s my favorite Universal horror film and my favorite Universal monster. I got to see this on the big screen this past summer and it was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had at the theatre.

2. The Thing (1982): I don’t remember the experience, but my mom took me to see this when I was less than a year old. I consider this a perfect horror film. Paranoia, fear, horror and suspense have never been duplicated as well as they have in this film (with the possible exception of Siegel’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers).

1. Halloween (1978): This is it for me. The one film horror film that has never been surpassed for me. I can’t even describe adequately how much of an impact this movie had on my life and how I view horror films. The music, mood, atmosphere, villain, heroine, director….everything…are the be all end all as far as I’m concerned. The only reason it gets the nod over The Thing is because of the impact it had on me, otherwise they are on equal hallowed ground.

Look for the other guy’s to post their lists in the coming days.

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While you’re cruising around the internets and sumbitting your Uwe Boll questions and what not for the once in a lifetime Splattercast #50, make sure you stop by my Sleepycast buddies’ Myspace page and message them letting them know your top five favorite horror movies. Or you can email them at sleepycast1@yahoo.com (I think that’s their email address). It’s only their 15th episode, but 15 is still a special number, right? Just not as special as 50

For the record my top 5 are:
1. The Exorcist
2. Dawn of the Dead (original)
3. The Blob (original)
4. John Carpenter’s The Thing
5. Dolls

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Sam Raimi. Hearing his name brings glee to all horror fans. From his low-budget horror roots with stuff like Evil Dead to Sharon Stone westerns all the way to $300 million dollar Hollywood fair like Spider-Man, he’s put out quite the eclectic filmography. So what are his 5 best movies? Below is my list, feel free to post yours in the comment section.

1. A Simple Plan: This film is just fantastic. It’s a near perfect character piece that proved Raimi could be more than just flash and style. His most mature, creepy work.
2. Spider-Man 2: Arguably, the best comic book film of all-time. Filled with great performances, scenes, and battles. You could watch this a hundred times and never get tired of seeing it.
3. Evil Dead 2: The best film of the trilogy, it improved on everything in the original while not descending too far into slapstick like Army of Darkness.
4. Crimewave: Raimi disowns this film, but it’s absolutely kick ass. After a slow opening 20 minutes, the film goes absolutely nuts in terms of story, imagery, and style. This is Raimi at his most creative with a camera. It’s funny as hell to boot. It doesn’t hurt that Raimi co-wrote it with the Coen Brothers and features Bruce Campbell as a sleazy ladies man.
5. The Gift: A very underrated film filled with excellent performances and a subtle depth. Some people cry foul over its apparent lack of originality, but I enjoyed it more than Darkman, which just missed my list. It’s unfortunate that the film is known more for Katie Holmes being topless than for the film itself.

So, what’s your top 5 Sam Raimi films?

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