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Movie Review

The Blob

Directed by Irvin S. Yeaworth Jr. (1958)
Reviewed by Steve, added on Oct 6 2006

Steve McQueen is a badass and he’ll kill your children and the family dog in the blink of an eye if you breathe in his general direction without asking for permission first.

The Blob is the most original horror movie monster ever created. Kiss my ass if you don’t agree. The Blob differs from most movie monsters by not being evil. It’s just a mass of tissue which seems driven more by instinct than bloodlust. It seems near mindless, doing nothing but searching for food and looking disgusting. In a time where horror was regulated to bad make-up and rubber Halloween masks, the Blob was something that no one at the time had ever seen before, and really hasn’t seen since. What other movies have this type of villain? The Blob remake? The Raft story from Creepshow 2? MaT suggested the Horta from Star Trek. What a nerd.

I’ll go ahead and sum up this review right now. I love this movie. This is my all time favorite “classic” horror movie.

The story is simple. Actually its pretty bare bones. Steve “Super Badass” McQueen is out with his girl when a meteorite crashes on a farm. McQueen, sensing danger and anxious to kick some ass, goes to investigate. They find a farmer with a strange goo covering his hand. The goo of course came from the meteor. Steve McQueen doesn’t like the farmer since to kill the Blob now, he’d also have to kill the farmer which means he could possibly get blood in his hair. Don’t fuck with McQueen’s hair. So Steve decides to take the farmer to the doctor so that the doctor can get the Blob off the farmer’s hand so then McQueen can kill it. The doctor sends McQueen back to the farm to find out what he can while the doctor treats the farmer. This is totally cool with McQueen since he obviously figures he can go out and kill other lesser blobs that may be at the farm until the doctor readies the main event. Not finding any other blobs, McQueen decides to punch a pregnant woman in the stomach just because she didn’t lower her head before crossing his line of sight. Maybe that part just happened in my head. I can’t tell anymore.

Anyways, McQueen goes back to the doctor only to find that the doctor was a pussy and got eaten by the Blob. McQueen knows that he can kill the Blob right then and there just by yelling at it loudly because he’s such a badass but decides to pretend like he’s scared so as not to make his girlfriend feel like crap for really being scared. McQueen then goes to the police, this obviously being part of his master plan to send the officers to their deaths and fatten up the Blob so McQueen looks even cooler when he finally decides to kill the Blob with his ice breath.

If you haven’t caught on by now, I’m just pulling all of this out of my ass. This is a great movie. While it looks ridiculous now, the Blob is the kind of thing that years ago would have been one of the scariest things you could ever encounter. Even the idea of it now is frightening. Imagine being engulfed in slime. Imagine that slime burning your skin and melting your innards. Imagine trying to scream while inside it only to have your lungs filled with this monster.

You owe it to yourself to watch this movie. It’s so good it makes me hate it’s remake and I don’t even know why. There’s not even anything wrong with the remake. I think the problem with the remake is that it doesn’t have Steve McQueen in it.

I just wrote a whole review that has almost nothing to do with the actual movie.

Beware of the Blob, it creeps and leaps…bitches.

9 / 10

Comments from Steve...
I take back what I said about there not being anything wrong with the remake. Upon further review, it is indeed boring.

Comments from Steve...
This review is more or less a joke. It's just up so I have something really goofy to contrast my "real" review of the remake against when I do it later.

However I stand by the 9/10 score. The Blob is a great movie.

Comments from MaT...

I stand by that 9/10 as well. The Blob is just damn fantastic. And I always check under my bed at night to make sure Steve McQueen isn't there, ready to kill me at a moments notice.

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