Directed by Ray Patterson (1986)
Reviewed by Steve, added on Dec 6 2006
NOTE: I almost posted a review of The Care Bears Movie instead of this just to see what MaT’s response would have been.
Does anyone besides me remember the Gobots? Odds are if you weren’t on welfare the answer is no. Well I wasn’t on welfare (I probably should have been though), but I had a fair share of these little bastards. Essentially Gobots were the poor kid’s Transformer. You asked for a good guy Transformer car and you got the Gobots Turbo figure. Ah to be poor and have needs.
The Gobots have my vote for worst toys ever. The main Renegade (Gobots version of the Decepticons) is a robot named Cykill. Cykill turns into a motorcycle. Well he doesn’t really turn into it so much as he bends down and assumes the doggy style position while holding one wheel in his hands and the other with his ankles. When he “turns” back into robot mode, he just stands up and both wheels float up to his shoulders. It only gets worse from there. And little of the craptastic-ness of it all is lost in the movie.
The Rock Lords were characters created specifically for this movie and they are terrible. They’re robots who turn into (!) rocks. Again, they don’t really turn into them so much as they curl up into little balls to and either sit there to be disguised or roll down hills to escape. Now there are also evil Rock Lords. They also turn into rocks and do so to either hide or escape. A question I’ve always wondered is this: is you’re a rock lord and you know that your enemies turn into rocks and nothing else, wouldn’t you just go around smashing every rock you see until you hit pay dirt? How does being in disguise help if the bad guys know your disguise? Oh well. The good Rock Lords actually create a robot rock lord called Nugget who falls down all the time. They should have built him with a blue boxing helmet and wheelchair.
Anyways, Nugget goes and seeks help from the Guardians (Gobot Autobots). The Guardians agree and leave for Rock world or whatever the hell it’s called. Of course the Renegades follow and align themselves with the evil Rock Lords in order to destroy the Guardians and then back stab the evil Rock Lords and steal their super weapons. But this is a rated G, 80s animated adventure so of course good triumphs over evil and we’re all left wondering what ideas got rejected before this show’s creators decided that rocks and a powered scooter were good alternate forms for some of this movie’s heroes.
I’ll just sum up everything now in a few quick sentences. Gobots: Battle of the Rock Lords has some of the crappiest animation outside of a PBS show and some of the dumbest characters ever to be recorded onto VHS film. Little more than bargain basement Transformers that Bumblebee could probably beat up. The only reason anyone should probably ever view this movie is if you don’t own a copy of the 20th anniversary edition of Transformers: The Movie (which would make an awesome Christmas present for me).
The VHS cover box for this movie proudly proclaims, “Battle of the Rock Lords is a Gobots lover’s dream come true!”
I hope this was everything all four of you hoped for and more.
Comments from MaT...
My response would have been "There's something subversive going on with those Care Bears..."