Directed by Francis Lawrence
Reviewed by MaT, added on Feb 17 2005
I don't even know where to begin. I was actually excited about seeing this even though in the back of my mind I knew it was going to suck. And suck it does...hard. John Constantine (Keanu "Whoa" Reeves) is a pissed off supernatural detective. He's pissed off because he just found out that he has terminal cancer, he's pissed off because he has to fight demons all the time, and he's pissed off that he's gotta spend eternity in Hell for killing himself. Too get back into God's good graces, he's dispatching all sorts of nasty Hell critters in an attempt to "buy God's love". Obviously, that isn't going to work and, predictably, within the first few minutes you'll be saying to yourself "Gee, I'll just bet he's gonna have to sacrifice himself for someone else to get into Heaven".
I laughed out loud numerous times while watching this trainwreck. The acting is atrocious, especially from Reeves, who's motivation for the part seems to be "Grouchy Neo". The plot itself is ridiculous. The pace of the film is so boring that not even the flashy CGI can draw anything more than a yawn. The characters are flat and generic and the overly complex plot structure doesn't leave much time to get to know any of them. The writing itself is some of the worst in a big budget movie I have seen since Van Helsing. Speaking of Van Helsing, I think he left one of his nifty Semi-Automatic Cross gun's laying around Constantine's pad because Reeves goes Neo on a bunch of retarded demons with it.
If what you have read so far doesn't make you run screaming for the nearest church confessional, then this will: Gavin Rossdale plays one of the main charaters. You read that right. The current occupier of Gwen Stefani's crotch graces us with his rock star prescence. I want to come back down from this cloud...and smash my head in with a hammer. Maybe that will take away my memories of this piece of crap.
A terrible Keanu Reeves, bad characters, a lame plot, worthless directing, bad editing, confusing storyline, crappy soundtrack, pointless CGI fight scenes, plot holes the size of Rosie O'Donnel, bad costumes, and long, boring stretches of dialogue all add up to one of the top contenders for worst film of 2005. Only people stupid enough to be amazed by computer generated swarms of locusts will be impressed by this.