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Movie Review

Zombie Planet

Directed yb George Bonilla (2004)
Reviewed by Steve, added on Dec 15 2007

Look close at that cover art picture. Doesn’t that just scream “cutter” to you? I imagine writer/director George Bonilla has the same recurring dream that I have. You wake up one morning. Zombies are everywhere. Bravely you head out into an uncertain world, searching for a safe place that may not exist, with nothing but a machete and some smartass one-liners as your companions.

But first, you have to go to Hot Topic and get a badass outfit.

Seriously, this guy has a black coat, black shirt, black pants, and black biker/skater safety pads. He also has long black hair and he suffers from a disease that prevents him from every standing face to face with someone. Before he can speak to anyone he has to turn so that his side is towards them. Then he leans his head forward and turns it so that his head is sideways at a 45 degree angle compared to the rest of his body. Only then can the man known only as “Kane” carry a conversation. Kane nearly rivals HTC from The Quick and the Undead in terms of shear clichéd-ness.

So what passes for a story here is this: years ago a diet drug designed to eliminate carb cravings hits the market. Millions take it. And a year later all those using this miracle drug inexplicably become zombies. The wealthy live in walled cities while the poor live outside among the zombies, bartering what junk they can find in order to get supplies from the rich. In one such area lives a small band of survivors who are being terrorized by a warlord named Adam. Randomly one night, Kane wonders into the small group’s home. He spends the rest of the movie battling zombies as well as Adam’s henchmen. Oh yeah, Kane has a mysterious past too. But almost none of it is revealed.

This movie is like the zombie version of a game of Mad Libs. The question was presented as this, “A zombie virus is caused by ______” and then someone yelled “diet drug” before someone else could say anything. Then someone said, “and the zombies ______”, followed by another person proudly yelling, “know kung-fu!”. Finally ending with, “complicating matters is a(n) _______ which our hero must also face” with the last person exclaiming, “evil warlord”. Then George Bonilla wiped his ass with the script and began filming. There is not one shred of originality anywhere in this movie. If all of the zombie movies in the history of the planet had a wild orgy, Zombie Planet would be the bastard child of them all. If you’re trying to come up with ways to make that sound good, you should hurt yourself.

The story is laughably 2-D, the characters are annoying, the acting is terrible, and I could create better looking zombies with the $1.25 Halloween make-up I got on clearance this year. Even for zombie fans, this is one movie to avoid. But if for some reason you just can’t get enough of Kane and his super cutter moping powers, fear not, his super secret mysterious past is set to be revealed in Zombie Planet 2: Adam’s Revenge. Trust me, I really wish I was kidding.

2 / 10

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