rick deckard

Top 5…Bounty Hunters!


5. Rick Deckard, Blade Runner

Was there anyone more badass in the 80’s than Harrison Ford? Well, Kurt Russell was more badass, but this is supposed to be about Han Solo…no wait, it’s about Indiana Jones…no wait, it’s about John Book…hold your crotch, it’s about Rick Deckard! Yes, the grizzled retiree who would like nothing more than to go to sleep after blowing away some Replicant ass…and tapping some as well. Deckard’s that bounty hunter who is pissed that he’s so awesome and keeps getting called up to save everyone’s ass. Though he’s lost a step or two in the disgusting cesspool that earth has become, he’ll still waste a Replicant and look badass doing it…speaking of ass, Deckard is currently tapping Sean Young in a little cottage in the countryside.


4. Brisco County, Jr., The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.

The one bounty hunter on this list who won’t shoot your ass just because. If this list were weighted for personality, Brisco would be in first place. Dude’s just awesome. In fact, you could argue that Brisco is the most talented of all the bounty hunters on this list. He just uses his mind (with some timely help from Comet) to kick everyone’s ass. Who needs to shoot 5 guys in a standoff when you can just drop to the ground and let them all shoot each other in the crossfire? Brisco can’t be stopped! I take that back. Fox killed Brisco when they canceled the show. Ah well. I’m sure somewhere, Brisco is laying around with Dixie trying to figure out what the hell The Orb is…and rounding up those other four Bly gang members.


3. Samus Aran, Metroid series

Now, I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time believing that a woman Nintendo says looks like this can fit inside that Power Suit. I mean, it’s got to have a special function just to counteract the gravitational pull on her massive digital breasts, right? You wouldn’t think it would be easy to fit all of that inside a suit and still be able to move around. Still, when you can turn yourself into a ball and roll around, maybe it doesn’t matter. The lone female on our list, Samus Aran faces down a lot of gross monsters that want to jump on he face…I don’t like where I’m going with this analogy so I’m going to stop. Samus has the unique status of being the star of a critically acclaimed video game franchise. Meaning you can play with her all day. Wait a minute…that didn’t come out right. Oh forget it…moving on


2. Joe, Monco, Blondie, Sergio Leone’s Dollars Trilogy

I wonder what would happen if Brisco had to hunt down TMWNN? Clint Eastwood isn’t so much a bounty hunter as he is a bounty slaughterer. There is no such thing as “Dead or Alive”. It’s always “Dead”. I get this image of Bruce Campbell walking up, planning some really smart way to win the fight, only to be shot through the head and Clint saying something like “You left your smarts on the ground, son”. He’d then smoke a really thin cigarette, break the 4th wall, and demand a closeup of his face. Come to think of it, maybe Fox didn’t kill Brisco; maybe Clint did. In any event, this is just one guy you don’t want to come across next time you’re in a two horse town. Actually, I don’t really like the look Clint is giving me from the photo above, so I’m just going to slowly back up now…


1. Boba Fett, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi

Arguably the coolest character in anything ever. Boba Fett is the preeminent badass of bounty hunterdom. This guy will get you. You know you’re beyond cool when even Darth Vader respects you. In fact, I have inside sources within the Galactic Empire that have told me Vader often laments his decision to be Palpatine’s apprentice. He could have easily lived the Tatooine Dream with Padme by doing some part time bounty hunting for Jabba instead of being deep fat fried in some lava by his best friend. And for those of you who are not total nerds and are screaming “he gotten eaten by the mouth in the sand”, he got out. I’m not telling you how, go read the book. Anyway, Boba Fett is the bee’s knees and even though Jabba…er..I mean, George Lucas, tried to butcher the character by making him a clone and a whiny little bitch kid, his awesomeness runs so deep that it doesn’t matter to anybody. Boba Fett: Best. Bounty Hunter. Ever.

Disagree with the list? Did I leave someone out? post a comment and tell me how dumb I am!